Reflections
by Baby Velociraptor
Summary: "It's Amu, she left a suicide note." Ikuto saved her that night, barely knowing her. When her parents kick her out, she stays with his family, with Utau. Everyone's asking questions about what happened, except her. He just wants to understand why. The scars on her arms tell a story, a story that's she's never told. "Take off the mask, and let me see you." He said.
1. Chapter 1

Long chapter is really fucking long. O_O Anyways, I hope you enjoy and I hope this is okay. It's kind of from personal experience, because it's easier to write what you know. So, here you are, dear readers.

I don't own Shugo Chara!

Chapter one~

Kukai started hitting the front door as hard as he could. There was no doubt his girlfriend and her family was going to be pissed, but that didn't matter right now. He was panting and bracing himself on his knees when the door was flung open. He looked up to see Tsukiyomi Ikuto standing there in his pajamas. Utau was behind him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ikuto yelled. "It's fucking three in the morning."

"It's Amu," he panted. Souko and Aruto came down the stairs, going pale. There were tear stains on Kukai's face. "She's gone."

"What are you talking about?" Ikuto asked. He knew Amu was Kukai's sister, but that was all he knew. "She's probably just out with the kiddy king." Tadase was her boyfriend, and the two of them hardly left the others side.

"You don't u-understand." He said, collapsing to his knees. He handed him a sheet of paper. "She left a suicide note."

Ikuto was the first to move. "Then don't just stay there. Get up and let's go." He grabbed his best friend's shirt and yanked him up. "If that's the case, we have to hurry." He rushed to his car after his father tossed him his keys. His sister rushed after them and dove into the back seat of the car. Souko grabbed the home phone and dialed 911.

"Where would she have gone?" Ikuto asked, stabbing his key into the ignition.

"She could have gone to the old bridge outside of town. The one that's abandoned. She used to go there a lot." Utau said, shaking and clutching her seat. She knew her best friend was depressed, but she'd never dreamed it would come to this.

"Alright," Ikuto said, slamming his foot to the gas.

The town was quiet, and empty. His car raced silently down the empty streets to the east side of town. He knew what bridge they were talking about. He goes out there with friends a lot and dives off the bridge. The water was always cold and deep, really deep. That was exactly the problem. He knew Amu couldn't swim from the summer before.

He turned onto a gravel road that led down to the abandoned bridge. There were rumors about it of course. Many people said someone died here and it was haunted. His headlights shined across someone's car.

"That's her car," Kukai said. As he pulled closer, he saw a figure on the bridge. "Found her," he breathed.

She was sitting on the bridge, on the railing of it and staring down. She heard them get out of the car, and then her brother's voice cut through the air. "Amu," She slid closer to the edge. He wasn't stopping her. "Stop please!" She sucked in a breath, close to the edge of tears.

She'd made up her mind already. Instead of saying anything, she jumped.

XXX

Ikuto watched as she jumped, and heard Utau scream. His slid his shirt off and raced forward, diving right off the bridge. Just let me get to her. She broke the water's surface first and he crashed under seconds after her. It was a high drop. She'd be far under within seconds if he didn't make good use of time.

He knew damn well she'd have a panic attack under the water. He swam deeper. Goddamn it all to hell, I can't fucking see anything. The water was nearly black at three in the morning. Ikuto stretched his arms, trying to feel around for her. His fingers went through strands of hair. Found you. Having no choice, he grabbed her hair and pulled her up, and then took him up in his arms.

He was gasping for air when he came back up. Damn, it was cold tonight. It was November. He waded to the sure, and stepped carefully over the rocks. "Ow," he said. In his mad dash out his front door, he hadn't bothered with shoes. Utau and Kukai were waiting as the blue haired teenage laid her down on the ground. She needed CPR, he realized.

I've never been so glad I learned this.

"Call 911 and let them know where we are." He said roughly and started the compressions on her chest. Had it been any other situation, he would have stared at her chest. It wasn't another situation though. She was about to die, and he was doing his damdest to not let that happen. He bent down and gave the two short breaths. She wasn't breathing normally yet. "Fuck," he grunted and started the compressions again. He kept pumping her chest, thirty times and then the two breaths.

She coughed and rolled to her side after one short breath. She started to breathe as he leaned down for the second breath. He leaned back and let her cough. She sat up slowly, her pink hair hanging down in wet tendrils. Then she looked over and saw a shirtless Ikuto. Her face turned red.

"Are you alright?" he asked seriously.

She'd never know Tsukiyomi Ikuto to be serious a day in his life. "Y-yeah." Her teeth were chattering from the iciness of the water. He grabbed the hoodie that Utau had brought him from his car. After taking a long look at her and seeing her teeth chatter and seeing her shaking from the cold, he draped it over her shoulders. "Thanks." She said quietly and looked away.

He pulled up her hair and reached down for the hair tie on her wrist. His breath came out harsh when he saw multitudes of scars. How long had this been going on? Ikuto didn't say anything as she tugged the rubber band off for him. He pulled her hair up and tied it to keep the cold hair off of her wet skin. "Don't scare us like that." He said roughly, and sat beside her. She only looked away, not saying a word. "Whatever made you jump off that bridge wasn't worth it, Amu. Got that?" he said.

Sirens and red and blue lights filled the night. Kukai was at the top of the hill, and talking to the police on the bridge. Her parents were waiting in their car to follow the ambulance to the hospital. 13 year old Ami was sitting in the back seat with her small hands pressed to the glass, wondering if her sister was okay.

Amu started to cry. Ikuto looked over horrified. What the hell do I do? How do I comfort her? He sighed. He never comforted girls, not even the girls he broke up with after short relationships.

In front of them Utau looked at her brother's terrified expression and hung her head. She looked at Amu, and to the top of the hill. Her eyes met her mother's, who was standing next to Aruto. They were rushing down the hill. Paramedics were behind them.

"Amu, Ikuto," Souko called out, draping a blanket around her son who was beside the sobbing girl. The middle-aged woman took this as her cue to help her, because she knew her son was hopeless in helping her. "Amu-chan," she knelt down in front of her and .

Aruto pulled his son off the ground and watched the shaking girl.

"They're going to kill me," she sobbed and clung to the woman who was her second mother. Souko rubbed her back and let her cry. "I can't go back there!" she wailed. That was when Utau came over and gripped her friend's arms, turning her to look at her.

"You can stay with us," she said. "Mom and Dad already know about everything." Later on, she knew this already, Amu was going to be so pissed that she had told. Right now she didn't even notice. "It'll be okay." She whispered.

Ikuto watched, confused and dazed. Who was going to kill her? What was going on? He looked at Amu, and saw the red and blue lights flashing across her face and reflecting in her eyes.

XXX

Kukai, Utau and Ikuto stood in the hospital impatiently. They hadn't released her yet. It had already been determined that she wouldn't go to a mental hospital, but her parents had made a huge scene. They made it clear. They're not taking her home. They kicked her out. The same words kept going through Ikuto's mind over and over again. How could they do that?

Kukai wasn't surprised though, not at all. He was still angry over it though. Their parents had stormed out of the hospital with their "golden child" Ami. Amu was left in the hospital room resting.

"Mom, Dad," Utau said, rushing up to them as they came out of Amu's hospital room.

Her father cut her off with one of his calming smiles. "Don't worry, Utau. She's staying with us." Ikuto heard that and his sister's sigh of relief. "Any objections?" He asked Ikuto.

He shook his head. "After that she needs a place to stay. Utau's her best friend, so it's probably for the best." Aruto clapped him on the shoulder.

"You did well," he said quietly and looked at him. "If it weren't for you, she'd be gone. She can't swim."

"I remember," Ikuto said, brushing off the praise. He didn't need to be praised for his actions. Even if he was an asshole at school, he did what he did to save Amu, not get credit. "Last summer, she freaked out at the lake."

"Well," Souko said, sliding off her long winter coat. "She's okay. She'll have to have counseling but physically she's fine."

Ikuto wondered what was wrong mentally though. She always seemed happy at school, and she always seemed really happy when the kiddy king was around. Speaking of him, where was he?

"Where's Tadase?" he asked. "Shouldn't he be here? He's her boyfriend."

Two cold looks turned to him. Utau and Kukai were giving him an icy look. "Don't mention his name around her, got that?" Utau seethed. He actually stepped backwards. Obviously, he'd struck a real chord. "He was cheating," She said after that. That surprised him a lot. She found out yesterday.

"You don't think that's why she tried to kill herself, do you?" he found himself asking the question he thought everyone else was thinking. He was wrong about that though.

"That's not why at all," Utau said crisply, and turned away.

Her brother got the message loud and clear. Don't ask questions, because he wouldn't like the answers.

XXX

When Amu woke up, she shot up out of the hospital bed. The memories from last night rushed back to her. She flinched and remembered her parents coming in and yelling. 'We're so ashamed!' 'Why are you causing us trouble?' 'Why can't you be more like Ami?' The last one was always the one that got her the most.

"Good morning," she jumped off of the bed at the voice. "Sorry," she looked over and saw Ikuto. Her brother was asleep when his girlfriend in his lap. She remembered him from last night. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I just jumped off of a bridge," she said dryly. His eyebrow quirked and he slid the blanket he had off of him.

"I see. At least you remember what happened." He said, and watched her bring her legs up to her chest.

"I guess," She shrugged.

"You're living with us now," he said, hoping he'd get a reaction out of her. Her head whipped towards him. "Yeah. You're living with us now."

"Says who?"

"My parents," he told her. Her shoulders slumped. She really wasn't going home. "Do you want to go home?" he asked, hoping to get an answer so he'd know a little about her. She shrugged like she didn't care. "We have school tomorrow," he said.

"Okay," Her reply was quiet.

She wasn't going to give him any answers at all, he realized.

XXX

The next day

Everyone was staring at her as she made her way to her locker. Their eyes dropped to her bandaged arm. Utau had bandaged all the way up her arm when she accidently reopened the wounds. Ikuto almost had a heart attack when he walked into his bathroom-merely wanting a shower-and saw Amu's forearm covered in scarlet. She learned that Ikuto really, really didn't like blood.

Her messenger bag's strap was across her chest, and her bandaged arm dangling at her side while she opened her locker. There were rumors already circulating. Whatever. Then Saaya came up to her. She really didn't have the patience for this today, but contained herself while shoving her books in her locker. I'd like to just shove myself in here to get away from her. She doubted that would work though.

"Did Ikuto save you last night?" she asked, in that damn accusing tone. She nodded grudgingly, stretching to put a notebook on the stop shelf. "Did his parents really take you in?" Oh, how did I know that one was coming? Amu was laughing in her head. She nodded again.

"Yeah, is that a problem?" she shot back, putting her red and black bag on the hook in her locker.

Saaya looked her up and down; her groupies were already forming a line behind her. "I guess not. Since I doubt my boyfriend would be interested in a charity case."

That got Amu's blood broiling. Sighing, she smiled sweetly. "That's just wonderful," she said sarcastically, shoving past her. "I've got better things to do with my life than listen to your annoying voice." She had her bandaged arm hanging down, clutching the notebook and text book she need.

"Ironic that you're talking about having things to do with your life when you just tried to end it, isn't it?" Saaya smirked. Sighing, Amu whirled around and walked up to her slowly. She wanted a reaction, and then she'd get one. Amu got in her face and stared at her with hate.

"Yes, I guess it is." She shrugged. "But tell me more, since you're acting like you know so fucking much about my life. Really, I make this face when I'm intrigued."

Onlookers kept their distance, but kept staring and whispering.

"What's going on?" Ikuto asked as he and one of his friends rounded a corner. Then he stopped when he saw Strawberry in Saaya's face. That's…a new development. Amu was always so shy and quiet though. The rumors must have pissed her off. He'd been in school for ten minutes and had already been bombarded with questions and fan girls. The second one was the terrifying one.

Amu looked like she had no problem standing her ground against the head fan girl herself though. Saaya shoved her suddenly and his eyes widened. If he went to help Amu now, she'd give him hell. He had a feeling she liked to do things on her own.

"Is this my Ikuto-koi's jacket?" she shrieked.

Ikuto realized she was wearing it. He'd told her to keep it for the day, but the sleeves were shoved up. She obviously didn't give a shit who saw those bandages. He cringed at the memory from this morning.

Her voice came through loud and clear though. Her words left even him speechless. She's got guts. "Yeah it is. Got a problem with it?" She shot back with a tone that could make the Terminator cringe. Saaya's face got red with anger as Amu spun on her heel, walking away.

She realized she was heading Ikuto's way, but her expression didn't change. As she passed him, she gave him a slight glance. Then she shrugged off his jacket and tossed it to him without even stopping to say anything.

She just continued on her way, her step never faltering. Ikuto found himself turning, looking at her go. His fuming girlfriend of the week was beside him, pulling at his arm.

"Ikuto-koi, can I wear your jacket?" she begged with wide eyes.

He looked down at her. "No," he said and walked towards the boy's locker room with his friends, with his varsity jacket slung right over his shoulder.

XXX

By the end of the day, Amu was ready to add a few more people to her shit list. Rima was one of them at the moment though. If you whisper my name one more time, I will cut you. She thought. Utau laughed beside her. "I said that out loud, didn't I?" Amu asked, looking sheepishly. Ikuto was in front of her, silently laughing. She'd never noticed that he sat in front of her in this class.

"Well, it's better to cut her than yourself, right?" Ikuto said. When he didn't get a reply, he turned to see Amu give him a look that could make flowers wilt. "Okay, touchy subject. I'm sorry." He apologized. She shrugged and turned to Utau again. Jesus, she was so infuriating! He didn't know what she was thinking at all because of that shrug. Is that what my smirk does?

There was laughter from across the room. "Yeah, and then her parents kicked her out!" Rima was gossiping as usual. Ikuto listened to his sister and Amu's conversation.

"I'm not saying I hate her," Amu paused. "But if she was on fire, I'd roast marshmallows." He choked on his own laugher as he listened. Utau laughed and Amu kept going. "I'm not saying she's a slut, but I'm surprised they haven't made her black hole on check in place on Facebook yet." He laughed harder and couldn't cover it up. "The check in place would be called super massive black hole of no return."

Amu only kept going because of Utau's-and even Ikuto's-laughter. Rima heard thought, because she complained loudly.

"Ugh, what is that smell?" she groaned.

"Probably you," Ikuto called out. The pinkette behind him fell back laughing as Rima blushed bright red. Amu even wiped away a fake tear.

"How long do you think she'll go on about Tadase leaving her?" Another girl whispered.

Ikuto went to talk, but a fiery voice cut him off. "Please, I'd get more action from a tampon." Amu called out. Ikuto's eyes widened. He had no idea she got like this. Come to think of it, he didn't know anything about any side of her.

Amu laid her head down on her desk. "You're a lot different than I thought you'd be." Ikuto told her.

"I just don't have patience for today. Besides, if everyone wants to talk, I don't really see the point in putting up a mask."

A mask…? He stared at her hair and then his sister. It was obvious Utau knew everything there was to know about Amu. So, he wasn't the only one with a mask.

Utau poked her best friend. "Do you want to go get some Ramen?"

"Are you and Kukai going to suck face while I'm there?" There was silence. "No, thank you." She said. "But thank you for inviting me though." Utau forced a smile. She was trying so hard to not let anyone really see the turmoil inside. Amu always did that.

XXX

Ikuto Tsukiyomi dived into the water like he always found himself doing after school. Swim practice was an everyday thing for him and right now, he wanted to be underneath the water to escape everyone who was branding him as a hero. God, I just did the right thing.

His friends were full of questions, and were hell bent on asking them. They just wanted the full story, and he wasn't going to tell them. He could at least give her some privacy.

When he came back up, he gripped the ladder and climbed out of the pool. Saaya rushed over to him gushing about a new sale. He just nodded his head and played along. It was easier to just appease her then to find something he really wanted to talk about.

"…your jacket?"

"Huh?" he asked, coming out of his thoughts. She pouted. Was that supposed to look cute?

"Why did Hinamori Amu have your jacket?" she asked, grabbing his hands and leaning up to kiss his cheek.

He raked his hands through his hair and he dried off with a towel. He'd just be totally honest about it. "When I pulled her out of the lake she was freezing, so I let her wear it. I told her to keep it for the day." He dried his hair and ignored her stare of hate.

"Kukai said you gave her mouth to mouth."

He groaned. That idiot didn't know how to stay quiet. "Well, yeah." He said. "It was kind of needed." She huffed and crossed her arms. It was a little too bitchy that she'd rather Amu have been hurt then receive mouth to mouth from him. "Saaya," he began.

He didn't get to finish though, because she jumped forward and kissed him hard. He grumbled and pushed her off of him, making his way to the locker room. First, he showered, and then dried off. He checked his phone and found a text from Utau. Do you think you could give Amu a ride back to the house? He sent her a text back saying yes and changed into his clothes. She texted back fast. You'll find her in the library.

After he was ready to go, he grabbed his keys and made his way to the library.

* * *

-Kelsey


	2. Chapter 2

**Holy shit. That was literally my reaction after one day of this being out. I got a lot of follows, favorites, and reviews for one chapter. Well, a lot for me anyways. Thank you so much, guys! I really hope you like it! And, things-like the self- harm-will not be explicitly written. If you have any suggestions, feel free to tell me! **

**I do not own Shugo Chara!**

* * *

Amu was sitting on a window ledge in the library deleting pictures from her phone when Ikuto came in. He saw her and walked towards her, ignoring his vibrating phone is his jacket. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she looked like she'd been crying. Her eye make-up was smeared.

She looked over at him, as she snapped her phone shut. "Are you coming?" he asked her, and she grabbed her bag. She walked silently past him, and he followed her to the parking lot.

He steered her towards his car and unlocked the doors with a push of the button on the remote. Amu slid into the passenger seat and reopened her phone. She was deleting all of Tadase's messages and pictures that she had. She didn't want any memories of him at all.

"So, how was your day?" he asked as he stopped at an intersection.

"It was alright," she said. "You know, I'm not going to tell you thank you." She said and ignored the bewilderment that crossed his face. She was staring out the window. "What you did was great. You did the right thing, I can say that." She paused, thinking. "But I was okay with never coming back up."

He pressed on the gas as he thought. "Why did you jump off the bridge? Why do you cut?" The questions tumbled out.

Buildings reflected in her gold eyes as they passed. The sky was dark and cloudy, preparing to rain. He was holding her breath, waiting for her to answer. He didn't believe that she would actually tell him why.

"That's not your concern," she finally said, as they pulled into the driveway. "Someday, maybe I'll be able to thank you for saving me." She bowed her head in apology in case her words were too harsh or rude and stepped out of the car.

"I don't want to be in the dark about what's going on in my house." He snapped, harsher than he intended.

She looked back at him over her shoulder. "Go listen to some rumors then. Some people know things about me." She walked inside, politely removing her shoes and then saying hello to Souko. "How was your day?" she asked.

"Oh, it was long. Aruto and I went over to your house and got most of your things. If there's anything else that you need from there, just let us know, okay?" She was so polite with her words. Even though she was only cleaning the house, she moved so gracefully. If it was Amu she would have already tripped over the coffee table.

"Thank you so much." She said and meant it. While she wasn't surprised Utau's parents took her in, she was grateful. Souko was like a second mother to her these days and always let her vent to her. "Did my parents give you any trouble?" She sure hoped not. From experience, Amu was well aware of the things her parents could say. She shuddered.

"They were yelling about us being in their house, but that didn't matter since we had the police escort us." She gave a knowing smile to the teenager.

"Did they…say anything about me?" she asked, and her voice trembled just a little. She loved her parents and missed when they showed her love. Now they showed her hate.

Souko looked at her grimly. "Amu, you know that I wouldn't tell you what they said." Amu nodded, not noticing Ikuto passing behind her. He tried to not eavesdrop, but listened some. "How was school? Are any of the kids starting things with you?" Amu cast her eyes downwards. "I see. I know it spread fast, but I can always have a word with the superintendent."

The pink haired girl shook her arms and hands. "No, no, that's okay! It's nothing, really!" Ikuto arched an eyebrow while he listened. Was she trying to save his mom trouble? "It's no big deal. I've learned to deal with these things since, well, you know." _I don't know though_, Ikuto thought. He hoped she'd say it. She had his interest and he wanted to know more.

"I know, Amu." Sympathy shined in her eyes. "It's been about a year, hasn't it?" she asked.

Amu had transferred to their school about ten months ago, Ikuto remembered. Had something happened to make her move schools? Maybe someone was bullying her, or there was a possessive ex-boyfriend. His thought ran amuck while he waded through possibilities. _It's none of your concern._ Her words echoed through his head again. She really didn't want to talk about things with him. To be brutally honest, he was pretty sure that she did not like him one bit. He was a bit of a player, he supposed… At least he didn't sleep with every girl, he thought. _Yeah, because that changes everything_. He left the room, and headed for his room.

"Yeah," Amu said, thinking of her friends. "I miss them." She whimpered. Souko hugged her like her mother used to hug her. Amu was grateful she didn't say how 'it wasn't her fault'. Everyone told her that, and then others…well they flat out blamed her. Amu blamed herself too.

"You look exhausted, Amu."

"I am," she yawned. "I didn't sleep last night. The hospital bed was really uncomfortable."

"Go take a nap, okay? All of your things are already in the guest room for you."

XXX

She groaned as she heard her phone vibrate. "Dammit," she mumbled, blindly reaching on the night stand for the hunk of plastic she called her cell phone. It was a text message she realized. The alarm clock to her right told her it was 4:57 in the morning. _That was a long nap._ She opened the text message and the sudden bright light in the dark room hurt her eyes. "Bright light! Bright light!" she whispered harshly and fumbled with her phone, trying to dim it. She lost her grip and it slipped, hitting her in her teeth. "Son of a," she cut herself off and tried again.

_After _dimming it and rolling over where her phone was below her-she didn't want another surprise attack-she opened the message. She knew the number unfortunately. Even though she deleted his contact and everything, she knew his number by heart.

_Are you busy?_ She stared at the message, and then the time it was sent, trying to not laugh. It didn't work. She snickered quietly. It had been sent at 4:45 this morning, so not too long ago.

She replied. _It's past 4 in the morning. Yeah, I'm busy. I'm sleeping, or I was until you woke me up. _ She turned off her phone as tossed it on the floor. "Tadase, you're an idiot." She grumbled and curled up amidst the blankets.

Next door Ikuto was lying awake and staring at the ceiling. He heard rustling coming from Amu's room, but ignored it. She hadn't come out of her room the entire night. It made him wonder if she had cut herself again. Rolling over, he squeezed his eyes shut. What did he care about what she did? It was her choice, right? No, wrong. He didn't want her cutting herself. She didn't need to mutilate herself.

Questions ran through his head. Scenarios were attacking his mind. What if he hadn't found her in the water? What if they'd been a minute later? What if the CPR hadn't worked? What if, what if, what if. His mind was going through thoughts he didn't want to have.

He'd never even paid her any thought before. Now, she was harassing his thoughts because he was worried she'd go off the deep end again. Wait. Worried? No. Maybe he felt pity, but could he really worry about someone he didn't know? He thought back to the bridge. Had he been scared when he saw her jump off?

Well, who wouldn't be scared if someone was trying to kill themselves in front of them? The screams from his sister and his friend Kukai, the wailing of the police sirens, the flashing blue and red lights were engraved in his memory. The night was truly terrifying. Even though he didn't really want to admit it, he had felt so much despair when he was trying to get her to breathe.

He tossed over again. "Damn you, Hinamori."

XXX

The next morning Amu received more stares than she had the day before. Most of the stares belonged to crazed fan girls when they witnessed her get out of Ikuto's car. Utau climbed out of the backseat as Kukai came over to them. He hugged Amu first and then hugged his girlfriend.

"I told you I should have taken the bus," Amu said to Ikuto who was walking ahead of her and a little to her right. His eyes were scanning for Saaya, because he really wanted to avoid her.

"No," he said back, rubbing his eyes. He was so tired. "You'll ride with us."

"And face the spray tanned horde of fan girls." She grumbled, as a blonde girl shoved her books out of her hands. She stopped right there with everyone watching. She looked down. _Don't do anything. Just pick up your things and walk away._ She didn't get to pick up her things because Ikuto did it for her, while glaring at the girl who did it. The blonde flinched back and looked like she'd cry.

"Thank you, Ikuto." She murmured. She moved past him and rushed for the doors. She was used to that kind of treatment now, but it still stung. All she did was shove my books down, Amu thought. So why am I getting choked up over it? She knew why though. During the five months she dated Tadase all of the harsh comments and bullying stopped.

Sure, she had some friends, but it was mainly Utau who helped her when it came to his. Amu went straight to her locker and opened it. There was a folded white paper in the bottom. She knelt down and picked it up. Her hands were a little shaky. It truly wasn't the first time she'd found letters in her locker. They were always hate letters, with no name.

She unfolded it while people walked by. She felt someone collide with her shoulder hardly and keep walking. She stared at the words on the page. The stationary was fancy, leading her to believe it was someone who may have a little more money than most.

_I hate you._

The three words stared back at her and she stared back. Water pricked her eyes, but she didn't cry. Those words got tossed around a lot. She slid the note into her bag and put away her things.

XXX

The day progressed slowly for her. She dragged through her classes and avoided contact with anyone. She ate her lunch on the roof and took her bag with her. While she was up there, she was alone. Amu unwrapped a few inches of the bandaging, baring the wounds and scars to the fresh-probably not so clean-air. She dug through her bag until she found a blade.

She let the sharp metal touch her skin and made a cut. She was sure to not go to deep while she was at school. She had the afternoon classes and then work at the café to get through. Cutting deep would have been bad. Not to mention, there would be a large scarlet stain on the white gauze. This would make a small one, barely noticeable.

Blood seeped out of the straight lined cut as she wrapped the bandage back around. The bell rang and she made her way to her next class.

Saaya and Ikuto were in that class and she passed them while she walked up the aisle between their desks to get to her seat in the back. Saaya got a mean look on her face and stuck her foot out, tripping Amu.

Her gold eyes widened as she hit the floor. Her hands were flat, braced against the cold tile. It felt like the cut had open a little more. Her bag was in front of her and the note had slipped out.

Ikuto was beyond pissed that Saaya did that. He got the satisfaction of seeing her enraged face as he grabbed Amu's hand and pulled her up. She kept her eyes down, refusing to cry. She snatched the note and her bag up as she held her head up a little. She heard the words around her though.

"…_Freak." "She deserved that." "I never liked her." "Everyone hates her, even her own parents do.' _

She told herself to not do anything, because if she was suspended it was going to cause trouble to Souko and Aruto. But, a few seconds later, she realized she didn't have to do anything at all. Because Utau was going on a hate rage.

"Excuse me, what did you just do, Saaya?" she yelled and pushed her right out of her seat. Saaya hit the floor on her knees.

Amu stepped away from Ikuto and he looked at her. She looked at the verge of tears. _Just get through the day and then you'll be okay._

Saaya got back up and looked to Ikuto for support. She didn't receive any though. Ikuto had already stepped in front of Amu, like if you wanted to get to her, you'd go through him first. "What are you doing, Ikuto?" she whined. Then she glared at Amu.

Amu stepped out from behind him, and gave her an icy look. The cool and calm girl from yesterday wasn't there. The scared girl was standing in front of Ikuto now and her lip was quivering.

"Get away from him." Saaya said.

The pink haired teenager brought her head up to look at her. "Get away from _me_." She said quietly. Saaya's hand came up and she went to slap her. She caught her by her wrist.

Saaya's eyes scanned her arm that as covered in bandages. "Is that blood?" she said disgusted. The little red spot had grown some. She crinkled her nose. "You shouldn't be here." Amu's world froze on its axis. The last person that had said that was…Tadase. He didn't matter much at this point, but still. Memories are painful. She dropped Saaya's arm and turned. She heard her laugh. "You really are weak."

She snapped. Utau probably knew she was going to snap when she turned back around. She hated being talked down, and being bullied. Everyone would hate that! Everyone would hate being singled out and judged for something they do! None of them knew the truth, yet they believed they did.

Her fists clenched and she bit her lip. "Don't call me weak when you have to talk about other people and slip hate letters in their lockers to make you feel strong!" She said.

Ikuto's anger grew when he heard her words. Had Saaya really left a hate letter?

"Don't call me weak, because I'm still here!" she yelled.

The outburst was one even Utau never thought would happen. Amu didn't speak up, ever.

"I don't need your input about my life, or about my business. Whether I died on that bridge or not, what the hell is to you?"

Saaya didn't say anything at all. She blinked slowly.

Amu left after that, and left the school after telling Souko what happened on the phone.

The saddening part was that she knew that the rumors and bullying weren't just going to stop. The ones that were serious about being mean to her wouldn't stop.

XXX

The café was mostly empty during her shift. She sat behind the counter lazily doing homework. She was the only one working today. She'd already cleaned the tables, the countertop, the machines, and everything. There was nothing to do.

She thought about the day's events. Sighing, she closed the text book and moved to get a drink, while paying for it too.

She wondered what was going to happen next. She ignored her vibrating phone, and laid her head down somberly. She knew she'd just go back into her shell and hide. She really hated confrontations like the one today. Taking it wasn't healthy either, but she blocked it out.

XXX

The house was quiet except for the noise from the T.V in the living room. She walked in expecting to see Utau. She saw Ikuto instead. Then she remembered. Friday nights are date nights for her.

_I brought her food for her to not be here._

"Hey," she said, coming to stand next to the arm rest. He looked up. "Do you want this? I just got off work and brought Utau food. But she's not here. Do you want it?"

"What is it?" he asked, taking the bag from her hand. It smelled delicious.

"It's a cinnamon roll." She said, taking a bite of her own. "Thanks for helping me earlier she said.

"I thought you said you weren't thanking me," he gave her a smile.

"I said I wasn't thanking for you saving my life, not helping with people at school." She said back, taking another bite.

"Is it always like that?" Ikuto had never noticed before if that was how it was. He was wrapped up in his own world, full of girls, parties and swim meets.

"It's none of your concern." She said, smirking. She watched the frustration go across his face as she turned for the stairs. In reality, she really just didn't want to get people involved in the drama of everything.

"Fine, don't tell me. Do you want to watch this with me?" he asked. She looked at him surprised. "What? Maybe I'd like to get to know you since you're living here." She stared at him. He was a player from all accounts she'd heard. She wasn't sure about staying. "I don't bite," he said. "Unless you want me to."

"If you bite me, I'll cut you."

"Is that your phrase?" he asked, laughing. She shrugged and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

"I guess so," she muttered and looked at the screen. It was a crime show. She had an addiction to these.

"This is really good," he said. "Did you make it?"

"If I made that, you'd already be dead." She said it dryly with a blank face. He started to laugh hard. "I hope you realize I'm really not kidding."

"That would be bad for customers." She shrugged. "Your phone is vibrating."

"It has been for six hours." She replied.

"Who is it?"

"Tadase. I refuse to talk to him. I know him well enough to know that he'll tell me how he loves me and how he'll never cheat again."

"And if he does that?" This time he was genuinely curious.

"I'll call bullshit."

He snickered as they settled into silence.

* * *

**Long chapter is really fucking long. It's long for me anyways. I know it seems fast paced, but it's really not. (: Thanks for reading! Question, would it be too much like copying if I did those little introductions with characters? Hmm, x3**

**-Kelsey**


	3. Chapter 3

It's possible you think it's going too fast. No, it's not at all. I'm trying to make chapters long and detailed. Let me know how I'm doing if you can, or if you have questions, ask. I've gotten a lot of feedback. More than I expected. Thank you.

I don't own Shugo Chara!

Monday came all too soon for her. As soon as her eyes opened, she thought about faking sick. No, Souko would see right through that. Amu was already wishing she'd just never said anything to Saaya because of the overwhelming uneasiness in her stomach.

There was a knock on the door, and Utau poked her head in. "Are you okay?" she asked, shutting the door quietly behind her and striding across the room. She sat down on the cushioned mattress beside her friend and gave her a worried look. She was protective of Amu, and tried her best to keep her safe. There are too many people that get off on putting others down and when Amu was behind her mask, it was easy to do that to her.

Amu shrugged and slipped out of bed, stretching. She was wearing flannel pajama pants that were baggy and a blue tank top.

"Come on, let's redress that." Utau said, pointing at the bandage. There were a few red stains on it, but she didn't say anything. She wasn't sure how to help Amu since she'd rarely talk about her feelings. She wouldn't talk about her parents, or the accident. She watched as closely as she could though, to see if anything changed.

Amu followed her into the bathroom and set on the counter. She knew Utau would see the new cuts, and was only a little worried whether she'd react badly. The blonde's eyes widened and her lip quivered, but she didn't breathe a word. She cleaned the cuts with peroxide and dabbed it with a cloth.

There were scars there, a few fresh cuts, and then a few closing cuts.

The door slammed open and Amu jumped, hitting her head on the mirror behind her. Ikuto was standing the doorway holding a towel. His face colored slightly at his sudden entrance. His eyes dropped to her arm and she turned her head away from him.

He was able to see her arm in a new light then he did on the bridge. It was worse than he'd originally thought. The scars were angry marks that were in straight lines.

"If you're going to stand there, help me and hand me the gauze." Utau said as she finished cleaning the new cuts. He rummaged under the sink until he found the new package of gauze. There was like ten boxes of gauze. I guess Mom and Dad wanted to be careful he thought as he took in the sight of all of them.

Amu's slender legs dangled beside his face. He looked over at them and saw that they were toned. Standing though, he took his eyes away from them and handed his sister the gauze. She wrapped the gauze over her arm and he saw fresh cuts. They were just little red lines, but it made him sick. How can she do that to herself? He was starting to notice that he was left with more questions than answers.

"How was your swim meet Saturday?" Utau asked as Amu slipped past him-accidently brushing her arm against his-and out the door. He realized she'd never even said a word to him. Come to think of it, he hadn't heard her talk at all this weekend. He hadn't even seen her at all. Maybe she has a part time job, he though.

"It was good," he said. Kairi and Ikuto had done the best though. The rest of the team slacked off. On top off all of that, Saaya came to his meet-which was a good two hours away-just to harass him. He'd never wanted to get away from a girl so badly in his life. "Saaya showed up."

Utau's mouth pressed into a hard line. "Listen good, keep your slut of a girlfriend away from Amu." She said harshly. "If you don't, I swear I'll end her."

"I know," He paused. "On the first day after we saved Amu, she seemed cool and collected. Almost like she could handle anything you threw at her." Utau froze up. She was surprised he'd paid much attention. "And then, the next day, on Friday, she seemed timid. Almost like she was going against herself when she said those things to Saaya,"

She held back the urge to let her jaw drop. He had it exactly right. No one around her except for her ever figured that out, or bothered to notice. Instantly, her guard was up. Her brother was somewhat of a player and honestly, she wasn't sure it was a good idea for him to be close to Amu. She thought he was a real player. She was bound to get confused.

"What about it?" She asked smoothly. The thought of people getting close absolutely petrified Amu because of her trust issues. That was where Utau helped without her noticing. People didn't come by her if she had the blonde with her.

"How did she change so fast?" he blurted out.

"She wears a mask like you do." She stated bluntly. She could say some truths and still be vague. Ikuto wasn't likely to go away unless he got some answers. "She's usually pretty quiet except if Kukai is around, or I'm around. You haven't noticed how she gets treated because you're wrapped up in dating every girl in the school." He flinched at her tone of poison. "Stay away from Amu, for her sake. She doesn't like people getting close."

"I want to get to know her." He argued, and surprised them both by saying it.

"Ikuto, please take my word. She doesn't want to know you, and it's not because she's mean either. Amu really just doesn't like people."

"What happened to her?"

He kept coming at her with questions and she kept dodging bullets with vague answers.

"It's none of your business, Ikuto!" She screamed loudly. "I'm telling you this for her sake, don't ask questions. If you're near her, Saaya is sure to follow and then she'll start something all over again." Even as she spoke, she knew Ikuto wasn't just going to not talk to Amu. He was a little nosy and even if he was admitting it to himself yet, he wanted to help.

XXX

"Everyone's staring." Amu said quietly in the car. Utau was already bouncing over to Kukai in the parking lot. He looked angry. Maybe he had a fight with their parents. "I don't want to be here." She whimpered.

He looked over at her and pulled his key out. She looked terrified, but he saw how she was putting on a mask.

"It'll be alright," he told her and reached into the back seat, grabbing his swim bag and her messenger bag. "Here," he set it in her lap. She seemed so distant from him, and the world.

Sighing, she got out of the passenger seat and hauled her bag out with her. People watched her lift the strap and let it fall on her right shoulder, and let the strap fall between her breasts. She was wearing a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Her hair flowed down and her head was down. She stared down at her black moccasins. She resisted the urge to bail when a few people about ten feet away talked loudly about her incident with Saaya.

We didn't even fight and everyone is up in arms about it.

"Wait," she turned and saw Ikuto walking up behind her. Utau narrowed her eyes at Ikuto, watching him. She'd be in-between them in an instant if he did something stupid. "You don't want them to see you, right?" he whispered.

She could only imagine how it looked to the others. Tsukiyomi Ikuto, the most popular teenage boy on campus, whispering in her ear. She expected Saaya to suddenly jump out with some kind of weapon. That didn't happen though.

"Right," She said back, shuffling her feet in a puddle. She didn't see his smile as she felt something drape over her shoulders. She recognized the jacket. It was a lettermen's jacket, Ikuto's lettermen's jacket to be exact. The insignia for varsity swim was unmistakable. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Pull the hood up," he said, reaching back and tugging it over her head. It was custom made because he had wanted a hood on it. It was large on her and it hid her eyes even if she held her head up.

"What the hell is he doing?" Kukai asked in surprise as he watched them. That jacket was like Ikuto's child. No one got to wear it. But Amu was wearing it for the second time now.

Utau smiled though, just a little.

"Come on," Ikuto said, ignoring all the stares they were receiving. "I'll make sure you don't run into anything, alright?" She nodded and let him grasp the fabric of the sleeve and lead her to the doors. The silence to her ears was deafening. She felt awkward, and like she was being a bother. He didn't have to help her, she'd be okay.

He led her all the way to her locker. "You remembered where my locker is?" she asked suspiciously. He nodded as she shrugged out of his jacket. Girls were flat out staring now, but not in hate, more of jealousy. "Here." She said and folded his jacket over his arm. "Thanks." She said. That was the third time now she'd told him thank you. Amu was beginning to feel indebted and she hated that. She would do things on her own.

"You can keep it for the day if you want." He said quietly, handing it back.

"You should let Saaya wear it instead." She said as she twisted her lock. "She's your girlfriend, so shouldn't you be with her right now?"

He was taken aback by her answer. That wasn't the reply he was expecting. He didn't even get a smile from her. She turned away from him and began her morning ritual of taking everything out of her bag and getting her things for her first class. She wasn't going to look at him, or talk to him. If she did, he was liable to get more trouble for him. It was better for her to isolate herself.

He hadn't moved from his spot yet, and was trying to think of something to say. He wanted to ask questions, but there were no answers he was allowed to hear.

If you listened to society's norms, he should be with his girlfriend. He should probably meet her in the mornings, but he didn't. He tried to avoid her constantly and tried to escape and evade the moments when she found him. She didn't qualify as a girlfriend, and he didn't even qualify as a boyfriend.

The thought came out of nowhere and he blurted out. "I don't want to see her."

"Then don't see her, but I don't want to see you either." She said and he stepped towards her. Why didn't he leave? Amu asked herself and shut her locker. Adjusting her bandages, she looked down. His eyes were too intense to meet and she knew it.

"Did I do something?" he asked, and tried to tug on her shoulder.

Her eyes flashed open and she shot away from him, her back hitting the locker. Everyone stared at her and then at Ikuto. Had he done something? What happened? Her breath was harsh and memories were blindsiding her.

"Amu…?" he asked, and moved forward.

All of sudden, Kukai was there in front of her, looking menacing. A question mark appeared over Ikuto's head.

"Don't ever touch me again." She said in a low voice, as if it were a threat. Then she turned and ran down the hallway away from him.

XXX

She sank down to the tile with her back against the bathroom wall. She made it through her first class before it became too much. She was supposed to be in her second class right now, but one look at her and the teacher let her escape to the confines of the bathroom. Sobs were racking her small body. It felt like everything had just happened.

Ran, Miki, Suu, I'm so sorry. She repeated the thought over and over again in her head. She missed them like hell and would trade anything to bring them back. This wasn't supposed to happen. The four of them were supposed to enjoy high school and then go on a trip to America like they'd planned. That would never happen now because they were gone. Amu was alive, and haunted by the guilt.

What would have happened if she hadn't left that night? Would they be here still? Would they be laughing right now in their old Math class? If she hadn't left, could she have saved them? Would she have died with them? I'd rather be dead with them then live with this. It's my entire fault. I'm so sorry!

She dipped her hand into the pocket of one of her folders. As her slender fingers wrapped around the familiar shape of the utility razor blade, she breathed out. "Don't go too far, Amu." She told herself quietly. "You're in school." Then again, did she really care? She hid herself away in a stall and lowered the toilet seat. The stall was cramped, so she was able to sit on the toilet's lid and lean her back to the wall.

"I'll just…let go for a little while." She whispered.

XXX

She returned to class at the end of the hour. Quietly, she opened the door and went to her seat. Her arm was stinging like hell. She cleaned every trace of it with peroxide, and she was regretting it a lot. That was just terrible and painful. But that was okay. Pain was distracting to her. She looked out the window, and up at the clouds. Tomorrow was December first.

Christmas was close, but she'd have no one to spend that day with. Her parents disowned her, so she sure wouldn't be with them. She wouldn't see Ami because her parents were too afraid that their 'golden child' would be tainted by her. She'd probably see Kukai for a few moments, and then he'd have to go home, or be forced to face consequences she wouldn't allow him to face. She also knew that she'd leave the Tsukiyomi's for that day, so she didn't intrude. Like last year, she'd go to the cemetery on the opposite end of town, in the run down district.

Saaya was in her next class, along with Rima, and Tadase was in that class as well. He hadn't returned to school since her suicide attempt, but he had texted and called her relentlessly. Come to think of it, she never even checked any of them. The voicemails were deleted without even being heard. She wished she had someone like Utau in the class with her, but she didn't. Dammit. Like in every other class, she sat in the back right corner next to the window.

"Saaya," Rima whispered. "Did you hear?" The other girl shook her head, and Tadase was listening intently. He was hoping for information about Amu, and he'd been eavesdropping all morning. "Ikuto let her wear his jacket again. He was whispering in her ear this morning in the parking lot and he walked her to her locker."

"What?" Tadase asked. That didn't sound right. Amu rarely talked to new people.

"Yeah," Rima said, ignoring Saaya's raged face. "Then he touched her shoulder and she freaked out. She jumped away and apparently said don't ever touch me again."

Saaya was pissed off. Ikuto was hers. In her mind, he loved her passionately and they were going to get married. In his mind however…well he wanted an anvil to conveniently fall on her. She didn't know that though. She completely ignored the part where it was him who touched her, not the other way around.

She looked over at the pink haired cutter. Her eyes narrowed. She strode across the room to her desk, sporting a cheap smile and a bad tan. Her hand slammed down on the table. Amu didn't even flinch or move from her view. "You," Saaya growled. Amu just ignored her. "Stay away from Ikuto." Amu didn't even acknowledge her presence. The girl got angrier, not wanting to be ignored. Amu was telling herself to not react and cause a small scene again. "Don't you fucking ignore me."

"Whatever." The word was her only reply.

XXX

She was enraged. Utau looked at her friend as she sent the death stare to a boy whispering her name. His soul left his body in fear.

"For a girl who keeps up the pretense of being timid and harmless, you can sure get terrifying." Utau said and whistled as they walked out the front doors. "I think you may have even scared my brother shitless." That part was probably true. "If you were yourself everyone once in a while, people would back down. But what you do is you. I've got your back even if you act timid and harmless."

"My patience is really wearing thin. It's one thing to spread rumors. But if you touch me I will make the terminator look like the cowardly lion."

Utau snickered. "You know, you really are really funny." Amu flashed a genuine smile. "Do you work tonight?" She nodded. "Damn, well I'm following you to work."

Amu sighed. "Alright, I'm used to it by now anyways."

Ikuto shot up to them and stopped them. "Wait. Swim practice is cancelled, so I can drive you two home." He was panting like he'd run a mile.

Amu just gave him a look. "I'm going to work, and she's," She flipped her thumb to her blonde, intimidating best friend. "Is coming with me. So we can walk." She pushed past him. He jogged back up to her.

"What's your deal?" he asked, looking at her. She looked stressed, depressed and pissed all at the same time.

She kept walking past him. He stopped and just watched her walk away. She acted like she really hated him. He wondered if that could really be the case. Utau glanced back at him and shrugged. He noticed her sleeves were pulled down over her arms. It made him wonder.

XXX

"Stop that! Utau, that's not a toy!" Amu resisted the urge to bang her head against the wall repeatedly. Her best friend was truly an idiot when she was having fun. "Hoshina Utau, don't! That a," her voice was cut off when she sprayed a customer with the nozzle for the fountain drinks. She spun around to apologize. "I'm so-" Ikuto was standing there smirking. "Never mind, I'm not sorry." She smirked back to confuse him.

Don't use my smirk on me! No fair!

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Tadase showed up at the house." He told her with a serious face. "He's pretty determined to see you. Are you ready to call bullshit?" he asked, referring to the other night. She laughed and then looked down.

"I don't want to talk to him." She said. He nodded.

"Well, he said he'd swing by here to look for you, so I thought I'd come tell you two." He said.

Her eyes widened. He was being caring? She nodded. "Alright, well," She paused. "I'm sorry about this morning." Utau wasn't even paying attention anymore. She had her head under the machine nozzle and was guzzling pop. Kukai and she were definitely made for each other. It's more like baby-sitting. She thought this quietly. "I probably confused you." He nodded and waited. "That doesn't mean I'll explain it to you." She said.

"There you go getting my hopes up," he grumbled. It wasn't Tadase though. Good. She shrugged though.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Can I get one of those croissants you gave me on Friday?" She nodded and pulled one freshly made from the oven. She handed it to him. "Thanks. So how is your arm?" He asked.

Immediately, she was a little on edge. There wasn't a way for him to know, right? She kept telling herself that. She didn't know that he asked because he wanted to see if her reaction said she'd done anything.

He wanted to look at her arm and see what was there. But she would probably yell or hit him. She might just give him the death stare and walk away. Not to mention, that would involve touching her and seemed to seriously bother her.

"It's fine," She said and tried to smile. He was probably asking out of sheer politeness and trying to make conversation. He handed her a five and she handed him a few bills back as change and some pocket change. He tossed the money into a jar the manager put out for charity. She donated a few dollars every night.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she groaned. She just hoped it was Tadase. It wasn't. It was a text from Ami and that surprised her. I miss you ): Just seeing her sister's name flash across the screen made her smile. She texted back. I miss you too, Ami. I'm at work, so I'll talk to you later. Love you. She closed her phone and slid it back into her apron's pocket.

Utau was playing with the spray nozzles again, and she shot her brother with the stream of soda. Amu snickered and went to grab him a towel from the storage closet in the back.

XXX

When the three of them got home, Ikuto went straight to his room. Her reaction his question earlier in the night was still in his mind. He wanted to do something, but didn't know what. She wouldn't even talk him much, let alone vent to him or let him see her arm.

Her phone was ringing non-stop. It was Saaya and he wasn't picking up. He needed to break up with her, but wasn't sure how. It's not that he had trouble breaking up with girls. It's that he'd tried before and she didn't really take him seriously.

His mind kept going back to the girl in the next room. What could he do to help? How could he help stop the cutting? She didn't seem like she wanted to at all. But he couldn't fathom why anyone would do this. Ikuto would get Amu to talk to him, and in the process he'd do something he hoped would help and not backfire on him.

He was going to take away the razor blades.

* * *

-Kelsey


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear Jesus, thank you all! I didn't think many people would like this! I'm so thankful! Here you are with chapter four!**

* * *

She got up before Utau to redo her bandages. This way her friend couldn't insist on doing it herself like she was doing every single morning. The days ago Amu nearly shredded her arm in the school bathroom. Since then there had been a few close calls. Ikuto nearly saw the mutilation when he walked into her room while she was changing the gauze. She suspected Souko was close to figuring out what she did.

"Goddamn," She hissed as she put the peroxide of her arm. She snatched up her pillow and bit down on it, curling her arm to her chest. It fucking hurt. If it was her choice, she wouldn't be bothering with cleaning it, but if an infection showed up and anyone checked… That was a scary thought. Earlier last night Aruto said her remaining cuts should be about healed-he meant the ones before her episode she'd had-so she'd be able to take off the bandages. Her solution came rather quick. Hoodies and the arm warmers some girls sported for looks was her answer to hide them.

There was a knock on the door and her head snapped up. Son of-the door opened. She grabbed the gauze before Ikuto's eyes registered what was happening. He saw her wrap her arm up furiously, curling it close to her. He arched his eyebrow. "Hiding something?" he asked casually. Her cheeks colored red.

"Nope." She said calmly. She stood and leaned back on her right leg-that was behind her. Her jacket was black and red, unzipped with the hood down. On her feet were worn up high top converse. They were tied loosely. "Anyways, I have to go." She said. They may not have school today, but she had work. "I have work." She said, grabbing her text book that had her homework in it. She'd do it while she was working. Well, while she wasn't taking orders.

"Alright," He said, leaning against the door frame watching her pull her sleeve down and looking everywhere but him. His eyes narrowed. She was definitely hiding something. She looked like she was ready to bolt out of the room. He kept his gaze on her. Would she crack?

She didn't crack at all. Ignoring the disbelief etched on his face, she ushered him out of her room while she walked out and closed the door. She walked down the stairs, shoving her cell phone into her dark jeans. When the door slammed, he watched his watch until five minutes passed. She was far enough from the house now.

He pushed off the wall and heard his sister's voice. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked, crossing her arms. _Fuck. Well if you must know I'm trying to help Amu. _He was trying to. He'd take the razor blades, and she'd stop right? He thought it was simple. It wasn't. Cutting is like an addiction for some people. You find yourself suspended in grief and find yourself overwhelmed.

From there it's impulse. That was how it was for Amu. Right after the funeral she found a box knife in her room. It was right after her parents screamed at her saying it was her fault and how they were so ashamed to have raised someone so selfish. She took the razor blade out and slashed it and watched the blood spill.

But Ikuto didn't know that at all. He didn't know about the verbal abuse. He didn't know half of the bullying and torment. He had no idea about the attack or the grief. Utau did and she had a bad feeling about her brother loitering outside Amu's room.

"Nothing," He said simply. He tried not to twitch under her gaze as she stared him up and down. She passed him in a curtain of blonde hair. He wasn't going to listen to her anyways, so she guessed he'd have to find out on his own.

"If you go into her life, you won't come out unscathed." She said as she turned with tears in her eyes. "Take my word here. If you keep trying to get to know her, to find answers to questions she can't even answer, you won't come out the same." She smiled. "You'll know her though. You'll understand, even if it takes time." His eyes widened. It was like she was giving him permission. Well, she was kind of like a body guard for Amu.

"How bad is it?" He asked, and for once he received an answer.

"Her story?" She asked and he nodded. Utau looked down sadly. "It's darker than you can imagine, Ikuto."

XXX

He found them in her messenger bag she always carried to school. They were in a small pink pouch made for a Neutrogena Wave. Now that he thought about it, she owned one that she kept in the bathroom here. _Sneaky_, he thought. He checked the pouch to find ten to twenty blades. His eyes widened. Were there more? He tore through her beg, rummaging. "Ow, fuck." He hissed. He pricked his finger on another one. He stripped her bag of all of razor blades.

Ikuto knew she was going to fly into a hate rage when she saw they were gone. He didn't care though. He was getting rid of them. Honestly, he didn't care whether it was 'none of his concern' or not. So, now her room was completely void of anything sharp.

He saw a black notebook sitting on her nightstand. "I wonder what this is," he said to himself. Slowly, he sat down and picked it up. He shouldn't read it. It was personal to her. She probably vented about everything inside of it. Before he could stop himself, he opened the first page and let his eyes fall to the line paper.

XXX

_It's like the world is crashing under the pressure of tidal waves. It's like everything has been my fault since the accident. I… I don't know how to live. I don't know how to smile real smiles. I don't know how to laugh without feelings of hollowness in the chambers of my heart. You could say that I'm over dramatic. Maybe that's true._

_I'm running out of energy, living this lie. I'm not okay at all, but I don't know how to reach out. I'd love to get better, but I won't let myself. They're dead because of me; how could I possibly be happy when those girls are gone? It doesn't make sense to me even now. It's been a year, but the memory is fresh. As it should be. I could never forget that night. _

_My parents are screaming again. This time it's louder. Like every other time, it's about me, about the attack. They're ashamed and I can hear every words. They don't even let me talk to Ami anymore. Kukai has to fight to talk to me now. _

_I'd do anything to go back and throw myself in front of my friends. _

Ikuto found himself breathless. He didn't understand the journal entry at all. He understood the angry writing though. Amu must have pressed down so hard into the paper… Across the lines her words were writing in sorrow, and frustration. It was almost like he could feel the guilt from her writing.

He didn't understand what happened at all. Attack? She was attacked? Her friends were killed, he figured that much out. What was there to be guilty about though?

He flipped towards the back to the last entry. His eyes got wide. Kukai had given her back the suicide note and here it was tucked in the back. He unfolded it and took a deep breath.

_Kukai, Ami, and Utau, _

_I love all three of you to death, and now I'll love you past that. Thank you for the support you've given me. I'm grateful for my time spent with you. Utau, you're an amazing girl, and an even more amazing friend. You made me feel safe and I know how you sheltered me. I'm staying calm in this letter, because I don't want you to read my hysterical writing. _

_All three of you know how I feel over what happened to Ran, Miki and Suu. Those three girls were my best friends and my confidents. Now they're gone. It's hard to live wearing a mask when all you want to do is fucking die. Half of this won't even make sense. I'm sorry. You know that I cut, you've seen my scars. _

_I would cut one last time to end it, but I'm afraid I couldn't finish it. I'll jump into water, because I can't swim. Then I can't turn back. _

_I love you three so much and so deeply. Please, don't mourn this like I know you've said you would. I hate goodbyes, but this is a long one. Kukai, don't get mad at Mom and Dad, okay? Ami, grow up and stay safe. Don't walk the streets at night like I did. Utau, you don't have to stay strong for me anymore. You've done that for so long, and I don't want to see you hurt like that anymore. _

_If it's okay to ask for one thing, I'll ask. I won't hear you voice your replies. It's up to you. My one request is simple… Remember me. _

_I love you. _

_Love Hinamori Amu. _

Tears were rolling down his face without him even realizing it. How did she so it? How did she put on that mask and look so calm all the time? He didn't understand at all. As he was folding the note back, he saw one sentence written under a date, the night of her suicide attempt.

_Arigato, Tsukiyomi Ikuto._

He smiled at that and ran his fingers across the words. For now, he knew enough. Now, he just wanted her to open up. Even if that was a hard task to accomplish, he wanted to be her friend.

XXX

"I'm breaking up with you." Ikuto said bluntly, not even trying to sugar coat it. The popular girl in front of him blinked and then laughed.

"Ikuto-koi, you're so funny! You scared me there for a second!" she laughed and went to walk away to Rima and Tadase.

"I'm not kidding, Saaya." He said seriously, shoving his hands in his pocket. "I'm breaking up with you." The only way to describe her expression was stunned. He couldn't be serious, she was sure.

So she pouted. "Ikuto," she whined, running her fake, hot pink, acrylic nails up his biceps. "We love each other though." He had to wonder if she was on drugs, because he really didn't love her.

"I don't love you," he said. Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't be so blunt and cold hearted. "I don't even like you." They had been dating a week and she thought he loved her? He had never loved a girl, and she was not the first one. Fake tears slid down her spray tanned cheeks.

He barely saw her evil smile before she screamed. "You cheated on me with Hinamori Amu?"

He looked at her stunned. What did she just say? What was the point of even saying that? Then he realized it. Everyone started to talk and whisper. Amu had to walk down this hall to her next class. Unwanted attention would go back to Amu again and she'd go through hell. After reading those journal entries, he just couldn't let that happen.

"Why do you always talk about her Saaya?" he yelled. Everyone stopped and looked. "Are you so pathetic that you have to talk about someone you know nothing about? And no, I didn't cheat on you. _You cheated on me with Tadase._"

Her eyes widened. "How did you know?" she choked out and everyone heard it.

"I didn't," he said and stormed away. Amu was not coming down this hallway right now. He'd make sure of it.

He saw her coming down the hallway talking to someone he didn't recognize. Too bad, their conversation would have to wait. "Come on," He said and grabbed her arm, pulling her the other way. She struggled some until he gripped her bad arm. At risk of any cuts being opened, she let him drag her along.

When they got to the lobby of the school, she spoke. "What the hell was that?"

"Saaya said something, and it would have given you unwanted attention." She arched an eyebrow in disbelief that he was helping her. Jeez. Was it that hard to believe now? "I didn't want you around it. It seems that you've got enough to deal with."

She leaned against one wall while he leaned against the other on the other side of the hallway. "Thank, I guess. You didn't have to do that. I've been dealing with Saaya since I moved here." She looked around. "Ikuto," she said quietly. "Why did you take my razors out of my bag and room?" He froze. How did she know it was him? "You dropped this in my bag while you were in here." She tossed him his school I.D. Damn, he wasn't so sneaky.

"I wanted to help."

"So stealing helps?" She kicked her right leg up and let her worn converse high tops flatten against the wall. A teacher was bound to walk out any second and see them skipping class. He kicked the tile.

"Cutting helps?" He said back. She shrugged and looked around. "Take off the mask and let me see you." He said.

"Hell no." Well, that didn't go like he planned. "To answer your question, yes, in my mind, cutting helps. I don't expect you to understand at all." That was the problem, he didn't understand and he wanted to understand. "It doesn't really matter that you took them though." She said with a smirk.

"Why not?"

"I have money, you know. I can buy more razor blades. You stealing them once will only irritate me a little."

"I'll steal them again," He challenged.

"Do you really think I'd hide them in the same place twice?" she replied lazily. She had a point. She was smart enough to find multiple hiding places.

"Do you really think I'd stop trying to steal them?" he shot back, almost enjoying talking to her. This was the most she'd talked to him to be honest.

She changed the subject. "What happened with Saaya?"

"I broke up with her." He said.

"Ah, on to the next girl of the week?" She said. His eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"It's not like that," he mumbled. "All I do is date them. From the look on your face you think I do something else with them." She nodded, not really believing what he said. "So you believe the rumors about me."

"They're kind of hard to ignore."

"Maybe that's what people think about the rumors about you." He said, a little meanly.

"Maybe," She said. "But it's different from when they say you fuck every girl. People outside this school spread rumors about me and say I'm a murderer." He froze to the spot as she pushed off the wall and stood in front of him. "Maybe you've got a point and maybe I do too."

After that, she strode away.

"Who the hell is that girl?" He muttered. "She sure doesn't look like a murderer…"

XXX

No one so as much looked at her the rest of the day. There were no whispers or anything.

Right after school, she headed to work.

XXX

The door chimed and two police officers walked up to Amu, who sat behind the counter doing her Math homework. They flashed their badges and she recognized them both from the investigation of the attack. She bowed her head in respect and rushed to pour them some coffee. She set the two cups down in front of them and sat down, smoothing her apron slash skirt.

"Can I help you?" she asked quietly. They were probably here with news over the unsolved attack. They always came to give her news. It was never to tell her they found the group of men though.

"We haven't found them." One of the men sighed and gave her an apologetic look.

"It's alright," She said. "I've had to accept they probably won't be found. Everyone blames me anyways." She looked down.

The two men thought the same thing. The death of three best friends was a heavy burden on the seventeen year old girl's shoulders. "We heard about the suicide attempt." She smiled a little at his forwardness. "We wanted to see if you were alright."

She shrugged. "I'm okay. I just have school and stuff."

"Is everyone treating you alright at school?"

"Yes, I have a lot of friends." She lied with a perfect smile. And they bought it.

"Alright. Well, we're still looking for them, alright?" She nodded and felt the crushing guilt of being the only survivor.

XXX

"Hey." He said, leaning against his car that was parallel parked out in the street. He was smiling. Amu was confused. She'd basically called herself a murderer and he was here to give her a ride home? "You look rough." He stated.

"You sure know how to treat a girl." She grumbled, rubbing her streaked mascara away. She'd been crying, but she'd be alright. He snickered.

"Come on. You must be tired." He said, even opening her door for her. She slipped into the seat. When he got in on his side he spoke. "About what you said," He looked over at her. She was already passed out. He saw bandages on her arm. The bandages looked dried with blood. She'd done it again. What was happening when Utau, Kukai or he wasn't around?

When he parked in the driveway, he ran around and picked her up out of the car. He carried her past him parents, oblivious to their knowing smiles, and up her to her room. After tucking her in, he saw a picture of four girls on the nightstand. One of them was Amu. He thought he recognized it, but brushed it off.

* * *

**DONE. It's a little short, but so many people were waiting… You all get cookies and cupcakes for reviewing, viewing, subscribing, and putting this on your favorites. Arigato! **

**-Kelsey**


	5. Chapter 5

**It's a little shorter than other chapters, but a lot happens, so. I've got stuff planned so, this isn't near the end because of the things that happen. I'm updating tonight because I have to go shopping tomorrow for clothes. I start Junior year Thursday. So enjoy this chapter, and tell me what you think if you want. (: **

**IMPORTANT: The poem in this is MINE. IT IS MY WRITING. Okay. (:**

**I do not own Shugo Chara. **

The week flew by in a flash. Now Christmas was nineteen days away. Amu seemed to be disappearing by herself more often, and Kukai was always asking where she was, keeping tabs. For Ikuto, it seemed pretty rational since she'd just tried to kill herself. She wasn't talking much though. She seemed like she was really closing in on herself. She wasn't wearing bandages anymore, but those arm warmers that caught your eye in a Hot Topic. Well, if you liked those kinds of fads.

For Amu, it wasn't a fad; it was a sneaky way to get Utau and Kukai off of her case. She could tell Ikuto saw right through her whole façade of innocence, but she feigned it anyways. He was trying to get closer to her constantly, talking to her in the hallways, walking with her to her locker and eating lunch with her on the roof. Realistically, she should have been ecstatic about that. He was a very attractive boy that wanted to be around her, and be friends with her.

A year ago she would have been ecstatic about it, elated even. Even so, she let him tag along when she went to the roof. He didn't steal her razors again, but she constantly switched up their hiding places since she had a feeling he was snooping. Sneaky teenage boys. Saaya wasn't causing trouble, so she had a little bit of a break. People were talking though, that's for sure.

"Give that back, moron!" Amu grumbled and snatched her Gardettos back and gave Ikuto her if you steal them again I'll cut you face. He snickered. "Jeez, eat your own food. You have your own lunch." He pouted. "Why are you here again?"

"To dazzle you with my company." He smirked. Her scoffing and laughter deflated his ego a little bit.

"Tell me the real reason," She took a handful of the Gardettos and picked out the ones she liked.

"I wanted to be your friend," He said in all seriousness.

"Stop teasing me," She shot back and he groaned. She wasn't realizing that he wasn't teasing and that he was really serious. She shrugged and grabbed her drink. "Shouldn't you be all over some new victim right about now?"

"Maybe you're my next victim," He joked. He realized she didn't take that well. She completely went still, dropping her un-capped, bottle drink and it spilled across the concrete slab that was the roof. She felt her mouth go dry. The word victim just hit her like whiplash and she felt reality hit her. "Amu, are you alright?" he asked, waving his hand in her face.

She snapped out of it. "Yeah, I'm alright." She waved him off.

XXX

When she went to work that night, he found himself snooping again. This time it wasn't for razor blades. He wanted to look at her journal again. It was wrong of him to do, but his curiosity was eating away at him. He had to know more. His hand trembled as he picked it up. _Here we go_, he thought. Ikuto was scared of what he could find, but more scared of what could happen if he couldn't figure out how to help.

_I was expelled. A girl found razors in my bag in the gym locker room. There was dried blood on the metal. She told… It only fed the rumors. My parents were called and they screamed at me in front of everyone. I cried, and cried. People were saying how I was probably going to hurt someone. I was only hurting myself though… _

_Ami saw everything and tried to rush to me as my mom slapped me across the face. Her arms came around my waist and she hugged tight, screaming for them to leave me alone. I love my little sister, I really do. Countless times she's come to help, but I shove her away and out of the situation. I don't care how bad some of these things get, she won't get involved in them. _

_My mom was coming at me again, and I reacted out of instinct. The same instinct Ran had the night with me… My mom's hand was up and coming down. At the last second, I shoved Ami off of me and into one of her friends. Her tears were like a waterfall as the blistering crack registered in my head. _

_Ami was screaming that I wasn't hurting anyone, just myself. I looked at her, begging her to not say anything. She knew because one day she walked into my room while I had a razor between my fingers. There was no doubt she was scarred from that. _

_She ran forward, and ripped my arm warmers right off my arm. My arms looked like they had been shredded. They were all red, all fresh. I had just started cutting a few weeks ago. Straight lines formed a ladder on both of my arms. My mother looked disgusted. Ami's arms came back around me and I let mine envelop her protectively. _

"_Ami, get away from her!" My dad yelled and then his nails came down my arms. _

He was crying. How did someone do that to their child? So, she'd been expelled and that was why she moved here. Where had she moved from? He couldn't remember anyone ever saying. Ami had been at the bridge that night, he remembered. Now that he focused, he remember a girl that looked about thirteen screaming her head off, trying to shove doctors down at the hospital.

That must have been Ami fighting to see her sister. He wondered if they had talked at all. Amu didn't seem to talk to Kukai all that much, or even Utau at the moment. She talked to him though, maybe because he was acting like a stalker. Even if it was just a little, she trusted him, and here he was betraying her trust and going through pages of her thoughts. He turned the page, skimming to some of the most recent.

_I can't breathe. I'm hiding in the girls' bathroom at school. I should be in class right now, but I can't function. Ikuto grabbed my shoulder earlier and the memories of the touch came back. I've avoided touch for so long, but then he grabbed me. The masculine touch scared me to the core. I jumped away so quickly. He probably doesn't understand, or doesn't pick up on the signs. I hope he doesn't anyway. _

_Things feel different, and like they're changing. Mom and Dad have gotten an order saying I can't go near them. I hadn't ever planned on it anyways… It means I can't see Ami though. That's the only part that bothers me. _

_Today, I nearly shredded my arm in the school bathroom. It was a sudden thing… I'm so lucky I didn't get caught. If I had, what problems would it have caused Souko and Aruto? _

His eyes drifted to the back of the page, where he found a poem.

_In the mirror, _

_I'm seeing my reflection. _

_I'm seeing my worst fears_

_Through a shredded perception._

_I see a storm I'm weathering alone. _

_I can taste the fear, and the desire_

_To break free of this cage and stop wandering through the unknown._

_I want someone to look past my reflection. _

_I wish every day that someone would break the glass_

_And let me see the real me through their perception. _

_Just one last time, let me be free of words like poisonous gas. _

He was left stunned. Amu wrote this in her scribbled handwriting. There were marks from tears that dripped onto the page. He ran his hands over the short poem. She wanted to be saved from herself. He realized that now. How could she be saved though when she doesn't let people in?

Ikuto was able to answer that himself this time. Amu wanted someone to save her, even when she pushed them away. Even if she shoved them away. But she was punishing herself for something he didn't understand. The little clues that were dropped here and there didn't fit together to tell the whole story.

There were too many missing puzzle pieces. His eyes came back to the picture on her nightstand. He picked it up carefully. "I've seen this somewhere before." He said softly.

"Probably on the news when they covered the murder." Kukai's hard voice came from the door way. Murder? Ikuto's eyes widened. Well, she had said that some people called her a murderer, but he'd thought it was just some accident. Here Kukai was saying it was a murder. His eyes flashed to the four laughing and hugging girls in the picture.

"M-murder?" He choked out. Kukai nodded grimly. "What does Amu have to do with a murder…?" He'd never felt such a strong urge to go and protect someone like he did right now. He was tempted to go straight to the café and shelter her like hell.

Kukai sighed. "Think about this, do you really want to know? Once you do, you can't tell and you can't just walk out freely anymore."

Ikuto didn't have to think at all. "Tell me now."

XXX

The café was bustling with people. She was suddenly none too happy about being the only one waitressing. Oh well, it meant more tips for her to work towards a car. She didn't have one now since her parents took hers back.

Then she saw the newest customers and resisted the urge to scream in frustration. Fake smile in place-she's gotten really good at that now-she made her way to Tadase and Rima's table. She pulled the mini yellow notepad out of her pocket along with a blue ink pen. "Hello, what can I get you today?" she asked, neither nicely or rudely. Her face was completely passive.

She kept her eyes mainly towards Rima, so she didn't have to look at her ex-boyfriend. "Can I get water and a cinnamon roll?" She asked. Amu nodded and turned to Tadase. It was part of her job.

"And what can I get you?" she asked.

"I want a slice of one of the chocolate cakes with fudge on top." He said, ordering what they had eaten on their first date.

She gave an overly sweet smile that hinted sarcasm and nodded. "Alright, I'll be right out with that."

On her way back to the counter she set a few glasses from multiple tables on a tray and carried it with her left hand. She'd refill them while she got the cinnamon roll and cake. After refilling them and filling her orders, she carried everything back to everyone.

She set Tadase's cake down in front of him with a napkin and fork and turned to leave. He almost made a move to grab her, but didn't. She returned to her spot behind the corner before she walked out to make her rounds again.

XXX

"What does Amu have to do with a murder?" Ikuto yelled when Kukai didn't answer him. Utau had come to stand behind him in the door way with her eyes wide. He was about to learn part of the truth and she could only imagine how Amu would react.

"Kukai, stop!" Utau said. Amu would be home from work any minute. They had to stop and get out of her room now.

"She's the only-"

Kukai was cut off. "What the hell are you doing in my room again?" Amu's voice came from the doorway. Then her eyes dropped to the journals lying haphazardly around Ikuto. Her eyes welled up with tears. "You fucking son of a bitch!" She yelled. Her hands curled into small fists as she shook with anger.

"Amu, I can explain!" He yelled, coming forward towards her.

"So this is why you wanted to talk to me! This is why," She waved her arm around frantically. "You were so goddamn nice to me! You just wanted to snoop around and stab me in the back after all of that!"

"Amu, please." He grabbed her arms, loosely and he saw fire in her eyes.

She yanked free and punched him. "I hate you, Ikuto." She hissed. "Get out! Get out! Get out! You're just like all the others!" He swore he felt his heart break at the hate she now held for him. "I thought you were my friend." She said quietly. Utau and Kukai watched helplessly, with her parents behind them.

"I am your friend, Amu!" He exclaimed. He'd never thought about what could happen if she caught him. God, now he wished he had.

"You fucking liar!" She yelled. Tears were rushing down her face. She hated him right now and wished he'd never met him. "I wish I never met you!"

"I just wanted to learn more and learn the truth."

Her voice became surprisingly calm and frightening. "You want the truth. You think you can handle the truth. You think you can hear it and look at me the same." She said, shoving at him. "You're wrong." She stripped her jacket off and put the underbelly of her arms face up. "Here's your fucking truth!" She shoved them in his face.

He started at the red lines. Her arms were sliced all over and red, crusted with dried blood. She'd been cleaning them. "Amu," She cut him off.

"I'm a cutter. I cut myself almost every day. My three best friends were killed and I ran like a fucking coward."

"I know-"

"You don't know a goddamn thing about me." She hissed. "And now, you never will." She grabbed her messenger bag right off the floor and rushed out of the room.

Her bared arms met the cold December night, as she ran as far and as fast as she could.

XXX

Souko and Aruto were speechless. They watched their son fall forward and heard his knees and hands hit the floor. Amu had just blurted out things she never would have said had she not been so furious. By now she'd be regretting it and she'd be scared to come back.

"I've never seen her so angry…" Kukai whispered. He'd seen his sister after the murder and not once had she ever been that angry.

"She hates me." Ikuto said, burying his face in his hands. "Goddammit, I fucked up this time."

Utau picked up a journal of Amu's and flipped to an entry from last night.

_I trust Ikuto a little more. Tadase is still harassing me… The anniversary is tomorrow. I know I'll go to see them tomorrow, but maybe I could bring Ikuto. I doubt it, but maybe. I still don't know him, but he hasn't given me a reason to not trust him, right?_

Now he has, she thought. She sighed and threw the hardback journal at the back of his head. "Get your ass up, baka. She went to the cemetery in the run down part of the city. The really dangerous district."

"Why is she going there?" he asked.

"Tonight is the night it happened a year ago." It was like a punch to the stomach. He hurt her like this on the anniversary. "Before you go, read that last entry on that page." His eyes dropped to read the passage.

"Goddammit!" He yelled as he rushed out of the room. "She trusted me enough. How I got so close so fast was unknown to me."

XXX

**It's a little short, but a lot happens. Just so you know, it's not ending soon because that stuff was said. It's got a while to go. (: **

**-Kelsey. **


	6. Chapter 6

**This one may not be the best. But I have plans, you'll see later on. (: Dear God, shopping = hell. On the bright side I got new high tops. Junior year starts on Thursday, but updates won't be delayed much at all. (: How am I doing though? **

**To the people who reviewed last chapter and said this made them cry, or almost cry, I'm a little happy about that. Not because you cried, cause that's sad, but because my writing was powerful enough to do that. Anyways, give me ideas, and such. I'll try to incorporate them in the story. **

**I don't own Shugo Chara. **

Amu ran until she couldn't breathe anymore. Tearing through her bag, she found her wallet and paid for a bus ticket to go to the cemetery. She'd have to walk the last few miles, but that was okay. She just didn't care right now at all. Disbelief was heavy in her heart as she curled up in the bus seat. Snow was falling, she realized, staring out the window.

She remembered the snow falling last year on this night too, except the city was blanketed in fluffy white snow. That night the snow was stained scarlet. The screams were echoing inside her head still as her converse pounded against the concrete, a large man grunting as he chased her. She barely got away.

Then reality hit her when she turned and Ran, Miki and Suu weren't behind her. That was when she screamed and started to cry furiously. She sprinted all the way back down the run down streets, screaming out for help and ignoring the blood running down her legs.

When she got back to the alley, it was already too late. She was so cowardly. She dropped to her knees in the snow and let her scream out in heart wrenching agony. She remembers grabbing the knife that lie beside Miki and wanting to die. Then…the stabbing pain as she stabbed it in. She choked up blood, spitting it over the ivory, sparkling white snow.

After that, she collapsed and laid there freezing beside her friends until morning came.

The bus jerked to a stop, sending her crashing into the metal barrier between the seat and the steps. The driver thrust his thumb at the door. "This is as far as I'm taking you, kid." He said gruffly. She nodded, hoisting her bag over her shoulder. "That's a dangerous part of the city, you know that, right?" He asked as she stepped down the first step.

She turned. "You have no idea." She said somberly, stepping off the city bus and into the rough streets. She set off down the sidewalk, with her hands shoved in her pockets and started to cry.

She weaved her way down the streets and passed questionable people. Her arms were bared and her cuts were easily seen. She should have brought a jacket, or a coat. She'd stormed out of the Tsukiyomi house too fast to even think about the little details.

"Ikuto, goddamn you." She mumbled, taking off past a group of teenagers so hopefully they wouldn't recognize her. A little luck was on her side today. They didn't recognize her at all.

Her sprinting run turned into a slow walk. Sighing, she already knew where she was going.

XXX

Ikuto was freaking out when he couldn't find her. He slammed on his breaks, as he got lost on the unfamiliar streets. He'd looked everywhere for the flash of pink hair. He only found artificial hair that was colored with Bubblegum Pop. He let his face hit the steering wheel in anger. The horn blared and he jumped back, arms flying and a sweat drop on the back of his head.

Leave it to him to cause a disturbance outside a bar with a lot of scary look people outside. As they turned, his eyes became little white dots in his head. It was time to go.

At some point, he came across a sign that said 'Cemetery This Way' with an arrow. He found the cemetery after sloping down a hill and hanging a left. He parked and began to search. If she wasn't here, he didn't know how to find her. Silently, Ikuto walked down all of the rows. Snow was falling and beginning to blanket everything.

He must have passed ten rows before a name caught his eye. _Ran_, he realized. He didn't actually pay attention to the last name. The other two friends of Amu's were laid to rest beside her, on each side. Miki, Suu and Ran's graves were decorated to the full extent. It was the anniversary after all. Their families probably came today to pay their respects and decorate the graves.

He wiped off the last names and felt his eyes widen. _They're sisters…_ He could only imagine the blow to the family. Three children from two people were gone. How do you cope with that?

Amu wasn't here, he'd realized that. But it seemed disrespectful to leave without saying something, and paying respects. He bowed, and then sunk to his knees. He didn't feel the grief from their departure like Amu would, but here were the girls so close to her, and he had fucked up getting close to her.

"I hope you three are resting in peace." He said quietly. "I probably have no right to be here, after hurting her like that." There was a sharp feeling in his chest. "If it's even possible, can you help me out here?" His voice was a weak whisper. "Amu misses you and loves you three more than just about anything." He'd seen the love for these girls in that picture. "I'm sure she'll be here later." He stood slowly, and awkwardly. He felt like he might displease them by being here.

"Rest in peace," He said, as she walked away.

When he was back in his car, he fought the urge to scream. He pounded his thumb over the keyboard of his phone. "Hello?"

"Utau, she's not at the cemetery. You said she'd be here!" his voice was angry.

"Calm down. There's another place she goes. Hang on; let me find the address of it. Mom kept it for reference." He heard rustling of papers and a door open. "Hey Mom, can you tell me where the memorial is?"

"Yes," He heard his mother's faint voice and more rustling. He listened carefully.

"Alright, he said.

He knew another place now, and he was hell bent on finding her.

XXX

Every time she came here there were more flowers than the last. This alley was the only pretty place in this area, but it was also one of the darkest. Sadly, she remembered the night in crystal clear clarity. People had heard their screams and saw what was happening at the mouth of the alley, but kept walking. They probably thought those men were their own gang. No, they weren't. They were just monsters.

There are three crosses: one pink, one blue and one green. The snow was beginning to cover them though. She rubbed her arm, where she was now wearing arm warmers. There were new cuts right under the fabric now. Shallowly, she'd actually carved words in this time. How much longer could she get away with cutting before the Tsukiyomi's didn't want her around like her parents did? She'd stop…but she found that she couldn't anymore.

The bite of a blade was something she craved. Some girls craved love, and some boys craved sex, but she craved feeling the metal glide across whatever part of her body she chose. She shuffled her feet, looking down at her feet like she often did. Today she was wearing high tops. She knew that blood was seeping through the fabric of the red and black arm warmer, but she knew that she hadn't cut too deep. She wouldn't die from that, but standing here in this spot all over again, Amu damn well wanted to.

Street lights were shining bright. The pavement wasn't visible anymore underneath the snow. The crunch of the snow and ice was audible under her shoes. She shivered from the cold, and from something else. She was losing her grip on everything all over again.

It was easier than Ikuto had thought to earn her trust, to make her happy and feel okay. He didn't even have to try; he just did it. Now, her mood was crashing after being stupid enough to let him in.

Shivering, and starting to sob, she dropped to her knees in the now six inch snow. Behind her the streets were being wiped of snow for people with nightly commutes. No one paid attention to the grieving girl in the spot of a rape and murder. They didn't pay attention enough to remember what happened, or where it happened.

As much as she hated it, she really wanted someone there. She wanted someone to care. Maybe her parents, maybe her old friends, maybe Utau-who wouldn't come to this side out of fear-, or maybe even Ikuto. "No, I hate him." She mumbled it, lying to herself. She looked up at the crosses again. "I miss you. I need you!" she sobbed.

Anger ran down both of her cheeks. There it was again, the moment she lost control. _Take me away with the pain. It's okay. I'll let go. _There came the moment she'd punish herself again, the moment she'd have something that was in her control, something that stayed a constant in her life. She lunged into her bag, grabbing a razor. Her fingers wrapped around it roughly. It sliced at her fingertips.

"I just don't fucking care anymore." She closed her eyes and brought it up, aiming to bring it down on her arm in a flash of rage. The impulse had built it up, the fury, the hate for herself and she couldn't control how deep it went anymore. Somewhere inside, she knew what was about to happen.

It wasn't like she mattered, she thought. Vaguely, she heard a car being slammed on its breaks as she closed her eyes.

"No!" she heard someone scream in terror, and then she felt the impact of a hard body slamming into hers. Her hand slapped back, hitting the person and the utility razor flew right out of her hand, imprinting in the snow.

She gasped, flinging her fingers out and reaching for it. Someone gripped her sides and pulled her back. She screamed and squirmed out of their grip. She wanted it, needed it now. "Amu, stop," It was Ikuto she realized vaguely.

She was in a haze, a state of despair. _Cut, cut, cut._ She thought the word over and over again as she brought her elbows bag, turning and hitting his jaw and knocking him back. She lunged forward, the tips of her high tops sliding across the snow as she tumbled. Her hand came around the blade and she brought it down. The familiar slash was what she needed. She breathed out, and kept going as fast as she could with her eyes closed.

"Amu, stop please!" Ikuto yelled and suddenly his arm was there, right when she brought the razor down. She didn't feel the pain, so she opened her eyes.

She screamed bloody murder. "You idiot!" She hissed, grabbing his wrist. The cut looked deep, and bad. She looked at her own wrist, and a tear slid down. She pulled a small bottle of peroxide out of her bag. "Let me," she said, cleaning it quickly. She hurt him, and felt guilty.

"It's alright," he said, fluffing her hair to comfort her. She looked up at him, with tears in her eyes. "Calm down. It's a cut. If you can do that," he pointed at her arms. "And be alright. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine." He voice broke off into a hiss from the peroxide.

"Sorry," she said. "Ikuto, that's a really deep cut though. You'll need stitches."

"Do you need stitches?"

"No?" she said puzzled.

"Then I don't either." He gave her a smile as she pulled out bandages out of her bag. "Don't feel bad."

"I just sliced your wrist open, Ikuto. I'm gonna feel bad." She said sarcastically. He smirked at that. She'd be alright. "I'm still mad, you know."

"I know, and I'll make it up to you." He said. She looked at him glaring. "I really am sorry for going through your things. But I wasn't going to backstab you."

"If you go near my journals again, I'll hurt you." She said seriously, wrapping the bandage around his arm. He nodded. "You're such an idiot." She mumbled. "Why did you do that?" she asked, finished the bandage and looking up at him.

"Because I was scared," He admitted. At the confused look on her face he continued. "It was scary enough knowing you cut yourself. But to see you suddenly lash out on yourself was even scarier. Then I saw that you didn't have control anymore, and I'd rather me get hurt than you." She swallowed. "Can I be forgiven a little?"

"Just a little." She mumbled.

He picked up her arm and cleaned the cuts. Underneath the opens ones, he saw scars. So many scars. Blood was dripping to the snow under them and down her arm. He wiped it off, leaving little streaks. "I'll clean this better later." He told her. "You wanna feel pain?" he asked, hoping this would make her smile. "I'll show you pain. It's called Hydrogen Peroxide." She giggled, and then hissed like a cat.

"Oh hell," she grumbled between her teeth. He smirked, and then bandaged her arms back up again.

"Do you want to stop cutting?" he asked. She shrugged, not even sure herself. "Will you give me the razors for now?" he asked her.

"I can't." her voice was timid.

"What if we take this day by day? Just stop cutting for as long as you can, and then if you relapse, we start again." Her eyes widened.

"You won't be around for that long."

"Wanna bet?" he asked, with a glint in his eyes. "I'm not leaving."

There were a lot of things she could have said to make the moment special. Instead she said, "Whatever," she paused. "Day by day?" she asked. He nodded. "If I did relapse would you still be around?" she asked.

"Do you think I'm going to leave because you cut? Amu, I'll be around more to help." She breathed out, nodding. "I want you to quit on your own. It's a journey for you."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, best friend."

XXX

"Dear God, we're all going to die." Utau mumbled as Amu swerved around a curve. She hit the curve and Ikuto reached over to steady the curve. Amu slapped his hand away, saying 'I can do this on my own!' She seemed different. She'd come home last night in a better mood, and had almost forgiven Ikuto. Almost, but not quite. "Where are your arm warmers?" She asked. Her arms were bandaged all the way to the elbow. She noticed a bandage on Ikuto's left forearm. "Never mind." She could put two and two together.

"Okay, we're here." Amu said, unbuckling her seat belt.

"Luckily we're alive." Utau grumbled before rushing to Kukai like every morning. This time she was grumbling about his sister's driving skills.

"Have you ever driven before?" Ikuto asked, while she slid between the two front seats and bent back to grab her bag and his. She handed him to his.

"No, I haven't." she said, grinning at his shocked face.

"You're not driving my car anymore." Then she pouted. She was smiling a little more, but he had a feeling some of them were fake. "Give me my keys, so I know you're not taking my car around for a joy ride when I'm at swim practice."

She handed him the keys and stepped out of the car. Once again, she was not wearing a coat, or even a hoodie for that matter. Oh, well. Absently, she wondered what would happen if people talked about her arms. She was sure that they had a hunch she was cutting, but never bothered to really talk about it. What happens happens.

Ikuto walked with her through the parking lot and since they were talking, she didn't notice Tadase and Saaya's mean glares. They were planning something, but Amu and Ikuto didn't know. Ironic almost, the people they had cheated on were coming closer together and they didn't like it at all. But they'd take it too far pretty soon.

"Do you have work tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do." She said, as they entered the doors, and came up to her locker. She opened it, and set her stuff on the hook. Saaya and Tadase were around the corner-unknown to them. "I work till eleven tonight." She finished her eye catching sight of a picture in her locker. It was one of her and Ran, Miki and Suu. He watched as she hid her razors in their secret pocket. He gave her a look and she shrugged. She agreed to go day by day, but she didn't give them to him.

After grabbing her text books, folder and notebook, they headed off to his locker before class started.

XXX

**First off, I was going to make them totally make up. That wouldn't work. Amu's still mad and wary of trusting him. Then I thought of making them fight for a while. That wouldn't' work with the story. So, you get this. By the way, this does have Amuto romance in it, but it's different. You'll see it sooner. **

**IMPORTANT: Do you want Saaya and Tadase to start drama now, or let Ikuto and Amu, and everyone be a little happy for a little while? I really do have to know. I know this one was kind of short, but thank you for your reviews. **

**But answer that question, kay? I have to know in order to make the next chapter. **

**-Kelsey. **


	7. Chapter 7

**New chapter for you (: It's long, to make up for the short ones. I hope it's alright. Review and let me know. (: First off, thank you for your reviews, messages, favorites and alerts. I don't care if they're now called follows. I'm gonna call them alerts. Lol. But really, thank you (: I'm glad I know I'm doing something right. You guys seriously are amazing. I never thought a one shot of mine would get like 17 reviews (Blue and Pink Chalk). So, thank you and here's a new chapter. **

**Once again, the poem is mine. Part of my personality is reflected in this. **

**Oh, and I don't own Shugo Chara. **

Her writing was scrawled and messy. It was a new red notebook to write in. Souko gave it to her when she got home, and gave her a hug. She said her parents had called to check up on their problematic child. Amu sighed, looking at the new girl that was bussing tables. Training her didn't take long and it gave her time to think about the night before. Ikuto had gone all the way across the city for her, and that had to count for something, right? Today though, school wasn't kind to her at all. Saaya was a total bitch in their co-ed gym class-that conveniently had Ikuto, Kukai, Utau, Tadase and Saaya in it-that now she had a crushing headache from hitting the floor in volleyball.

Saaya sized shoving Amu down as an accident to get the ball. She preached how Amu should feel lucky, taking one for the team. In reality, Amu was ready to wring her neck like a wet towel. _Just stay calm. Don't get angry, don't cause trouble. _

She heard a clatter across the room. The new girl looked like she was about to cry. She'd dropped about five plates from a table in the corner, between the window and the piano. Amu rushed over, picking up pieces. "Get the broom and dust pan. It's okay." She told her, soothing her a little. she nodded and rushed out.

The manager-who was also the cook-rushed out to check the noise. "I'm so sorry." Amu apologized. "It was my fault."

He sighed. "You'll have to pay for this." She nodded.

"Yes, sir." The new girl came out as he went back to the kitchen. Amu scooped up the remaining fragments and threw them away. "Sweep up just to make sure there's no little bits." She said. The blonde reddish haired girl nodded. "What is it?" She asked, finally seeing the girl's look.

"You told him it was your fault." She observed. Amu shrugged and nodded, heading back behind the counter. "Why did you do that? You have to pay for it now."

"It's not a big deal. You probably would have been fired since it's your first day. He likes me somewhat, so I didn't get in as much trouble." She smiled, picking up her pen.

"Thank you," She said, starting to sweep. "I'm Yaya." She offered,

"I'm Amu."

Everything settled back into silence. _I don't know what to write._ She thought. It usually wasn't hard, finding things to write about. She wanted to vent. She could do that, no one would see it. The sense of security was gone when she remembered Ikuto going through her notebooks. She hung her head. Damn that boy. Nonetheless, she began to weave a poem.

_Where's the light, where's the sun? _

_The world has turned to night, and there's nowhere to run. _

_There's nowhere to hide, no place to escape from this darkness inside. _

_Memories of the rape and the bloodshed. Memories of that night gone so wrong and cold. _

_I remember the snow painted red; I remember not having a hand to hold. _

_I remember the tears, _

_the screams._

_Now I see my fears, and _

_I don't see my dreams. _

_I see a world shattered beyond repair,_

_and three lives lost. _

_I hide a story I don't know how to share._

_I feel the bite of the frost._

_I feel the chill. _

_Yet… I feel a warm heart._

_I still remember the word kill._

_But I can feel someone trying to protect me from falling apart. _

"Hey," she heard a voice and she slammed her notebook shut. "It's just me.' She looked up to see Ikuto standing there. Yaya was walking out the door and she gave a wave as she left. Amu waved back. "Don't you need to close up? The manager already left." He said.

"Oh, yeah." She muttered, heading to the back to turn off all of the lights. "Stay away from my notebook." She said seriously, and he backed away. "Get something to eat if you want." She headed back into the kitchen and turned off the lights.

"Fuck!" She hissed when he hit her head on a pan that was hanging from the rack above the kitchen island. She raised her head to steady the swing frying pan and turned out the lights in the back office, and the hallway. When she got back to the front, Ikuto was cleaning the tables with a wet rag. "What are you doing?"

"If I help we can leave earlier." He said, and moved to the next table. She smiled and grabbed a broom to sweep up around the café. "I'll flip the sign." He said.

She pulled her apron over her head and stood there in her plain jeans and a red V-neck t-shirt. "Let's go," She said, shoving her notebook in her bag and shrugging it over her head. He tugged on her sleeve and pulled her out the door. She turned to lock the front door of the café and turned back to face him and his car. "What?" He was staring at her.

"I'm hungry." He said.

"We were just in a place full of food."

"Let's go get bacon." He said like it was his dying wish.

"Bacon?" she asked slowly. "It's eleven at night and you want to go on a bacon run?"

"What's wrong with bacon?" he pouted, and she giggled. "It's always bacon time."

She sighed. "I need to go to the store anyways for a phone card." She said, and let him tug her towards his car. The snow was still on the ground, but tonight it didn't fill her with dread. She slid into the passenger seat, and pulled the seat belt across her chest, and throwing her bag in the back seat.

Amu leaned her head against the window as he drove through icy streets. The lights were bright as they passed overhead. Every few minutes, Ikuto would look over to look at her face as artificial light poured in, shining over her features. Her eyes looked breathtaking when the light finally hit them. They were so full of life, but held a depth that you could see her mask covering the pain.

He'd realized he never stopped to think of her looks. The whole time over the past three weeks, he'd been looking out for her-even when she didn't know him-and looking at the mask. He never looked at her for her. In reality, she really was a pretty girl. Gorgeous, even. Her lips-that formed a flat, irritated line so often-were actually full and pretty. Her skin was lighter than most of the girls at school that sported the new fad-spray tans.

"Ikuto, there's a," He passed through a stop light. "Red light." She finished. He looked away from her and back to the road. So, she'd caught him staring. A light pink tinged his cheeks. Amu looked away again, and brought her legs up to her chest. He sneaked another look.

There was a small smile on her face. He made a right, and pulled into the parking lot. He parked the car as she reached back to grab her wallet. "I have to get something." She said, getting out of the car. The flat soles of her boots hit the ice. She nearly slipped. They reached a few inches under her knees and were black. She still had a lot of things her parents bought her before the disowned her, except her car. They took that back.

She walked towards Ikuto who was waiting in front of the car. As she took the last step, her right foot slipped out from under her. Amu closed her eyes, ready to fall.

Ikuto leaned forward quickly, letting his arm go around her waist. She was really warm, he thought. Her eyes opened when she didn't feel the cold or the hard ground against her back.

His face was close to hers. She blinked, staring up at his eyes like he was to hers. She could see her ragged breath because of the cold. "Thanks," She mumbled as he sat her on her feet and let go. She felt him grab her hand and looked at him confused. His hand felt warm as it attempted to twine with hers.

"So you don't fall again." He said, but he really just wanted to hold her hand. He didn't know why, but she didn't ask why either.

XXX

Her laugh was echoing throughout the store. "What are you doing now?" She asked, laughing. He was humming the Mission Impossible theme song now. She kept snickering, sinking down behind him to the ground.

"We're on a mission for bacon." He mumbled, trying to make her laugh. It worked. "And," he dragged the word out. "Now!" he grabbed the top of her arm and yanked her up rushing across the aisle to the bacon.

She swatted his hand off as he grabbed bacon. "Did you get enough?" She said sarcastically as he carried six boxes of bacon. She headed back to the electronics to get a card to refill her account on her phone. As she picked one off the rack, Ikuto snatched it out of her hand.

"I'll be paying for this." He said, smirking. She grumbled and followed him to the cash register. True to his word, he did pay for it. When he wasn't looking she slipped the money to repay him back into his pocket. He didn't notice at all. They climbed back into the car and she was shivering. "Do you ever wear a jacket?" he grumbled and gave her the same jacket he'd draped over her two times before.

She slid her arms through the sleeves and scraped off the grey covering with a coin. Then she entered the numbers into her phone to get her unlimited talk and text.

After, she twisted up in his jacket, and closed her eyes. Sleep took over.

XXX

Two police officers poured over the material in front of them. An intern had just delivered a file of pictures to Detective Aizawa. He sat down at the table in his officer with his brother-and fellow officer-across from him. A strangled gasp left the older man's chest.

"They've been going back to where it happened." His words were like a slap to himself. "Why do they keep going back?" he mumbled.

His brother spoke roughly. "Hinamori Amu did get out alive." He stated. "In their minds as long as she's alive, they're at risk of getting caught." The older brother's fist had clenched. "They know her name for sure after all the reporters on the news."

"Her address wasn't disclosed." The other man said.

"This is the only place they think she'd go."

"We have to keep surveillance on the memorial and their graves." He said grimly. It didn't seem right at all, having to watch graves. They needed to rest in peace, but they had to keep the teenager safe as well. "I guess we need to call her parents." The man stood, flipping through the file to find a number, and then dialed on the office's phone.

"Hello?" A woman's groggy voice came through the phone. "Who is this?"

"This is Detective Aizawa." He paused. "We need to speak with you about your daughter Amu."

Her angry voice cracked like a whip through the phone. "That girl is _not_ my daughter. I have nothing to do with her." She hissed. His eyes widened.

"Please, the men that did it-" She cut him off.

"I don't care what happens to her. If you want to talk to someone, talk to Aruto and Souko Tsukiyomi. They're taking care of that problem. It's her fault." She said and then the dial tone vibrated through his ear as she slammed the phone back into its cradle.

He stared at the phone, not understanding. How could she say it was Amu's fault? Amu ran because Ran and Miki protected her, and was able to take the hits for her to have time to escape. His breathing was angry. Just what exactly had Amu been living through in the past year?

XXX

Ami stormed into the living room with Kukai hot on her heels. The thirteen year old was flaring with anger. Her mother turned to her with a loving look and went to tell her how perfect of a daughter she was. She wasn't about to be perfect for long. "You bitch!" She screamed at her mother. The tall brunette blinked at her. "I hate you!" she screaming, about to lunge forward when her older brother caught her.

He knew how she got. She was like Amu when it came to that. They were both hot headed and when they were angry, tended to solve things with their rage. Like him, she'd over heard the phone call.

Her mother laughed. "You're cute when you're mad." She said.

Ami growled, just like Amu did when she was about to start hitting. "Well, I'm about to get fucking _adorable_." She felt her brother shake with silent laughter. "I hate you! You made Amu leave! I want my sister here!" she screamed. It was midnight. If she didn't stop soon, the neighbors would wake up and call the police at the screaming.

Ami was trembling. Her hands were shaking from anger. Kukai pulled her back and tucked her behind him. Then he smiled meanly. "See? You've torn apart your own family." He wanted to tell his little, bawling sister that Amu was happy where she was, but couldn't If he did, their parents would bring Amu back because she was happy. They didn't want her happy.

"It was _your_ sister that tore us apart." His father's voice came from behind him and he felt his back hit the wall as he pushed Ami back out of the way. "Her friends were being attacked and she ran-"

Kukai cut him off. "Shut the fuck up." No words came out after that.

XXX

Someone was shaking her to wake her up. "Amu, get up. We have school." It was Ikuto, kneeling beside her bed. She rolled over-in the wrong direction. Her head hit the night stand and _then_ she landed on Ikuto's lap. He lost his balance as she fell and he hit the floor. She rubbed her eyes and opened them.

"What the hell? This isn't my bed?" He smiled at how confused her voice was.

"No, this is an eighteen year old boy with you in his lap." She looked down at him accusingly. "Don't give me that look. You came onto me, literally." She yawned and stretched. He watched as her back arched. "I made bacon," He said.

"Of course you did." She muttered, standing up. "Why are you in here again? Were you snooping again?" He shook his head.

"You weren't up yet and we need to leave soon."

"Oh," she said. "Get out, so I can change."

"I can't watch," he joked.

"I will cut you." She mumbled, ushering him out.

"You already did." She grumbled a few colorful words and shoved him out of her room.

Quickly, she donned a pair of sweat pants and a black V-neck. She saw Ikuto's lettermen's jacket in the corner. She tossed it over her arm and grabbed her bag, slipping on her moccasins, rushing right out the door. Ikuto was leaned against the wall outside in the hall.

"You take a lot less time to get ready then most girls." He observed.

She shrugged. "Here," she held his jacket out.

"No, you wear it today." She went to speak. "Don't argue with me. Just wear the jacket." She sighed, and slipped it on and flipped her hair back over it. "Let's go." Then again, like last night, he grabbed her hand and led her down the stairs. She let her fingers twine, just a little.

XXX

"Why don't you hang out with your friends anymore?" Amu asked, as they opened the door to the roof. It was covered in snow and she groaned. There was a spot around the vents that were cleared, so they sat there. She took a bite of the sandwich he offered her.

"What do you mean?" he asked, biting into his sandwich.

"Didn't you used to hang out with the swim team at lunch?" she asked, huddling up in his jacket. It was warm. He nodded. "Why don't you hang out with them anymore?"

He shrugged. "There were always girls around them. Besides, I wanted to hang out with you. Why?"

She pulled out some of her Gardettos. He noticed that she had them every day for lunch. "I just wondered." She told him, eating some of her food.

"Hey, show me your arms." She gave him a look of horror. "You're looking at me like I just said show me your boobs." She spit out the soda she'd been about to swallow. Her laughter came out happy and loud. He joined her, laughing loudly. She wiped a fake tear, still laughing.

"Well, I'm not showing you my boobs, but I'll show you my arm, I guess." She said and slid his jacket off and unwrapped the bandage.

"The others are healing pretty well, but the ones from the other night are bad." She looked down, nodding. "Have you cut since then?" she shook her head. "Good," He smiled. "Can I ask you something?" he asked. She looked up at him again, not sure if she wanted him to ask her anything.

"Sure," She sighed.

"Why do you write poetry?"

She wasn't expecting that to be his question. She looked up at the clouds. "I guess it's a good way to vent. I haven't been able to vent to people, not even Utau. I vent on the paper."

"But you take your anger out on yourself." He stated, and tilted his head. "Are you punishing yourself?" Her voice got caught in her throat, so she just nodded. "How many poems have you written?" he asked.

"I don't really know." She said. "After they passed away, I started writing. Then right after the funeral, I started cutting. I wrote a lot of poems, almost every day. In school, I'd escape from the class time by writing." He wanted to smile because she was telling him anything at all. She popped a pretzel in her mouth. "There was always a lot of people talking, and right after it happened, that's _all_ they wanted to talk about. It was a tragedy, but they wanted to gossip about it."

"Did you ever try to stop them?" He asked.

She looked down. "Yeah, one time I did try. That was the day a girl went through my bag in gym. She had said she was going to the bathroom. Well, she wanted to tear up my things in my bag, like my clothes, and notebooks. She dumped everything out on the floor." She was on a roll now, and she almost felt like stopping. She couldn't though. It felt so good to vent about this. "My razors were hidden-not very well-in a folder. They spilled out of the pockets, along with my poems and journal entries. They were on normal paper then."

"Keep going," He said when she paused.

She breathed out, and started. "The razors then had stained blood on them from cutting deep into my leg." She leaned against the wall, and let her legs stick out straight. "She ripped up every single poem, and every journal entry. See, my words are something I cherish. It's mine, and only mine." She cast her eyes up towards the sky, and then back to his eyes. "Writing is my passion. But, back to the story. Earlier that day she had been making a fake story of what happened. She said that they were boyfriends that we went to meet. No, they were random men that," she cut herself off. She hadn't told him that part.

"You don't have to tell me about the men." He said, and turned to face her completely. "Just that day."

She smiled, realizing he really was letting her go at her own pace. She breathed in and then out deeply. "It's a little vague now. I was so angry that I went blank and lost my temper. I remember flipping the desk and lunging for her, aiming my elbow at her throat. After that, it's kind of blank. I know there was a lot of hitting. But it was mainly me doing the hitting, not her. She couldn't fight at all."

He smirked. Somehow, it didn't surprise him she was the one fighting.

"It was supposed to be my last day and then I'd be suspended for two weeks. I destroyed a lot of the class, along with half of her face." He started snickering. His smile and laugh was intoxicating, like she could get drunk off of it. "She wanted to get back at me. She found the razor blades, and then class ended. I walked back into the locker room to change and she was there, ripping all the papers to shreds. I wanted to rip her face off."

"Did you?"

"No," All of a sudden her voice was quiet. "She threw the razors at me and said 'Next time, do me a favor and cut a little deeper. She left after that. I stood there, frozen."

His arm moved and he pulled her to him. She felt him hug her tight to him and she let herself hug him back close. She pulled back with a fear tears in her eyes. "What happened?" he asked.

"You read it." She whispered. For once, her tone wasn't sour about it. "After that, we moved. My parents were ashamed of me and what I'd done. I found myself here, and not much changed. People don't know what happened to me, and I'm lucky for that. They never showed my face on the news, but they used one picture that has me in it. It was the only picture they ever used."

"The one on your nightstand?" he asked. She nodded. "I remembered it from the news, but I don't' remember what they said at all."

"Good."

"Someday I'll find out." He said quietly.

She slid his jacket back on as the bell rang. As she stood, she smiled at him as he stood beside her. "That day doesn't have to be today." She said, smiling wide.

"So, I don't have swim practice today. Do you want to go out and have fun?" he asked her, as she opened the door.

"Sure." She said.

XXX

**How was this? It had serious moments, but also good moments. (: I just want school to start now :/. Seriously, I'm so bored at home. I just want my College Reading class now! Blah, oh and that terrifying moment when every single one of your damn friends fills your Biology 2 class. Good moment, and scary moment. Haha. Anyways, let me know what you think! **

**Yay! Ikuto and Amu are growing a little closer. (: Sleepover! You'll see. (: **

**So. Have a nice day/night. –Hands out cookies and cupcakes, or food of your choice.- -Gives out drink of your choice.- **

**Who wants to see Amu in a fight? Just curious. (:**

**-Kelsey. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 is here, everyone. Please enjoy. Once again, poetry is written by me. Thank you for your reviews. Last chapter got the most. More of her opening up is coming soon. Not sure what else to put here. Anyways, enjoy.**

**I don't own Shugo Chara, or its characters. **

It was their last class of the day. Ikuto was sitting in front of Amu as usual. Tadase was sitting next to her and kept staring at her. She fought the urge to race out of the class room and to the safety of the girls' bathroom right down the hall and around the corner. Utau's seat had been switched with Tadase's, so hers was no next to Rima. It was a wonder Rima hadn't been beheaded yet.

A note fell on her desk. She looked down to see Tadase pulling his hand back after dropping the note on her desk. She looked at the infuriating piece of paper and swiped it off of her desk. As it hit the floor, she felt his eyes turn to her. She hadn't talk to him since finding him on top of an unknown girl and telling him right then that she was done.

Amu wasn't interested in anything he had to say, or even making amends. What was done was done. That's how she saw it. The blonde teenager beside her saw things differently. He didn't like being dumped, and he was hell bent on either getting her back as his girlfriend, or making her life a living hell.

Tadase watched Ikuto turn to look at her. He asked her a question and she smiled, handing him a spare pencil. Amu had never smiled at Tadase like that, even when they were dating. Her smile looked warm. Weakly, he wondered if there was something between the two of them. That couldn't be it. Amu didn't let people in, except him. He was special. She told him everything, but he'd also forced her. How much did Ikuto know about her, he wondered.

She shivered. The classroom was freezing since the heat wasn't working right now in the school. Ikuto shrugged out of his blue hoodie and handed it to her. Even though people were watching their interaction, they never stopped looking at each other. She popped her arms through the long sleeves and pulled it down her torso. With only a few minutes of class left, he laid his head on his arms on the front of her desk. Every few seconds, his eyes flickered to Tadase who kept looking at Amu with a hateful look. She didn't seem to be paying attention to him and that only made him angrier.

She opened a notebook of hers and doodled. As she flipped through pages to find a blank sheet, he saw several poems. There was one on each page it looked like. Taking the lead of her pencil she drew swirls all over the paper. He took his pencil and scribbled a note where Tadase couldn't see.

_Is he messing with you?_

She wrote back. _I'll tell you after class._

He nodded and understood why. She wouldn't talk about someone during school in fear someone would over hear. She drew a stick figure, just as the bell rang. They were lying with their heads close together and as they stood, their heads hit. "Ow," She whimpered, lifting her hand to her head. He reacted out of instinct and didn't think about what he was doing. Gently, his fingers rubbed the part where her head hit. She looked up surprised.

Unknown to her, everyone was looking. Rima had come over to Tadase and as they walked out, she said loudly. "Cutter."

Amu didn't even get the chance to react because Utau and Ikuto were already in front of her with looks of hate. Amu raised her hand, which was covered by the long sleeves, to her mouth and watched surprised. Utau winked at her, mouthing _I've got this. _She smiled as she looked at Utau. Utau knew if she didn't react first Rima would have hear head bouncing off the ground by now.

Utau had no problem with that, but she knew how Amu had a fear of being suspended and being uprooted all over again. However, her brother was the first to speak. "Back the fuck off." He said loudly. Rima's eyes widened as she took in the protective glare in his eyes. Saaya was about to become borderline jealous as it is.

"What's wrong with her telling the truth?" Tadase sneered, motioning towards Amu's bandages.

Her eyes narrowed. "You don't see me going around telling the truth about your dick size, do you?" she sneered just as he had. There were a few mixed laughs from around the class. "I guess I could though, because I mean, what's wrong with telling the truth?" Tadase's face grew red with more anger.

Tadase started to go towards her when Ikuto grabbed his shirt collar and ripped him back. Amu's eyes grew wide as Utau cracked her knuckles and leaned in towards Rima. "Run," She said evilly.

Ikuto leaned down and got in Tadase's face. "Stay the hell away from Amu." He said lowly. The students were beginning to file out, as he shoved the blonde boy back. Then he went to Amu, snatched up her bag and note book, and then grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers. She was surprised, not very sure how to react besides doing the same. Utau watched their fingers lock and tried not to blurt out what she was thinking.

They weren't dating. She knew that, but Amu wasn't the type to let people touch her so easily. Hell, she barely accepted hugs from Kukai anymore. But she smiled. Her idiot brother finally did something right.

XXX

"Are you okay?" Amu asked, trailing after her new found friend through the mall. Ikuto still seemed angry, but a reserved angry.

"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine, just pissed off." He replied, dragging her into a pet store. "Why are we in a pet store?" he asked her confused. She scoffed.

"You're the one that brought us in here." She said. He rushed towards the back of the store and she followed. When she let out one of the most terrifying screams he's ever heard, he ripped back around to see her frozen in place.

"What is it?" He asked panicking. Was one of those men in the store? Had Tadase followed them? Frozen in fear, she pointed at a glass box with one of her most hated things living in it. He poked his head around, and looked at the furry creature. It was a tarantula and she looked ready to run like a bat out of hell. "He's harmless." He said, waving it off to see her reaction.

"Harmless my ass!" She said. "I hate them with a fiery passion."

"Isn't hate love in disguise?" He asked sarcastically. She made no comment. "Didn't you say you hated me?" He asked, implying something. She gave him a look and he back peddled quickly. She ran past him and away from the spiders. She walked back and then she heard meowing. There was a cat that had gotten loose, and was now rushing for Ikuto. He scurried up his shirt, using his claws to get to his shoulder.

"I think he likes you." She said, as Ikuto picked the black and blue cat off of his shoulder. "He's cute." She said. The kitten reached out and batted at her hands with his paws.

"I wonder if my mom would let me get him." He mumbled, fishing his phone out of his pocket. He handed the small kitten to Amu as he texted his mother. Amu smiled and scratched behind his ears. "She wants a picture." He mumbled. "Say cheese!" He said, raising his phone to take a picture.

She hates pictures with a passion. She didn't say cheese, she said something else instead. "Fuck you." She muttered, letting the kitty brush his paws against her cheek.

"Close enough." He said, laughing. The kitten liked both of them. They sat on the ground, letting him run back and forth between them. "He needs a name though." He pulled his phone back out as it vibrated. "She said yes. We now own a cat."

"We?" She echoed.

"Yes, it's our cat. And he needs a name." Said kitten balled up in his lap and started to purr. "Let's name him Jives."

"Our cat isn't a butler, Ikuto." She muttered. "Let's name him Yoru." She said and looked up to see his smile.

"That sounds good."

XXX

Souko opened the door to find Detective Aizawa on her front porch. Brushing off her hands, she shook his and politely welcomed him in. "Excuse me for a moment. I have something in the oven." He nodded curtly and sat on the couch while she rushed to the oven.

She brought him a few cookies freshly baked from the last batch and a cup of coffee. "Thank you, Souko." He said and she took a seat across the table. "Is your husband here?" He asked.

"No," She said apologetically. "He has work right now, but should be home in an hour or so."

"I don't have that long. Is Amu here right now?" She shook her head no. She was still out with Ikuto and their new cat. "Good, I don't want her to hear this." Her eyes became grim. This was bad news, she already knew. "Has Amu visited the memorial lately?" He asked her seriously.

"Yes. She and my son had an argument on their anniversary. She ran out of here and he went after her. They were both there." She told him, summarizing the whole story. "Why?"

"We received pictures of a group of four men that have been going to the memorial. Last night, the crosses left there were completely snapped in half. The keep going back and we suspect they're trying to run into Amu there since she's the only survivor." Her blood ran cold. "I tried calling her parents…and they said to talk to you and your husband."

"I see," She said quietly.

"Don't let her go to the memorial and don't tell her they're showing up there. You and I both know her well enough she'd start going there every night on purpose. We're hoping to catch them, but we don't want her going there." He finished.

"I understand." She told him quietly. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, right when Amu seemed to be getting happier.

XXX

A few days passed in a fast blur. All Amu remembered from them was laughing a lot, and a lot of memories. She also remembered Yoru attacking Ikuto's face. Even though it had only been five days since her last cut, it felt so distant. The razor blades that were in the pocket of her bag hadn't left that pocket since that night.

Today, the café was empty around noon. Ikuto was starting to frost cupcakes for her, since she was 'lacking artistic ability' and she was writing, as usual.

_It's like the sun is breaking through. _

_A dim lit sky slowly meeting the horizon, and the light. _

_All I see is you._

_I see your smile and your will to fight. _

_What is this feeling? _

_Is this what it's like to really breathe? _

_Can I really start healing? _

_Why is it only you that makes me go weak in the knees?_

She stopped writing when she felt something squish onto her cheek. She turned and got a mouth full of cupcake. She grumbled, chewing and then swallowing. Her eyes widened. "These taste amazing!" She exclaimed excited. "Give me another one!" she said, and took the one he handed her.

"What's that?" he said, nodding towards the two stanzas. He picked the tube of icing back up and started frosting cupcakes.

"The beginning of a poem I'll probably never finish." She mumbled, biting into her little piece of heaven.

"What's it about?"

If this had been a few weeks ago, she would have ignored him and not given him an answer. She thought about doing that, but an answer popped out. "Someone," she mumbled, and hoped he wouldn't ask who because she was a terrible liar around him.

"Why can't you finish it then?" he was curious. Who could she be writing about?

"I guess I don't know my feelings yet." She admitted. He gave her a smile.

"You don't have to know today though, right?" He asked her, passing the plate so she could set them on their stand.

"Right."

She sat on the counter, starting to arrange the cupcakes in their display. He kept icing them. "I never thought I'd see you in an apron." She mumbled. He gave her a dark look. She muffled her laughter. The door chimed and Yaya's voice came through the air.

"Amu-chan!" She said excitedly. Amu looked up to say hello and then saw the girl trailing in behind her. Her smile dropped even though the girl behind her was someone close to her. "This is my friend-"

Amu cut her off. "I know who she is, Yaya. She's my little sister." The tension was thick in the air, even though Amu was glad to see Ami. Ami smiled and rushed around the counter to hug her. She smiled a little and gave her a tight squeeze. "Don't you need to be at home?" She said. "It's around the time you have to be home." The last thing she wanted was Ami in trouble. For one, her parents were assholes and two; they'd find some way to blame her.

"They gave me permission to be out still."

"Did you tell them that you were coming _here_?" she said, meaning _did you tell them you're going to their estranged daughter's work?_

"Well…" She trailed off. "I said we had to go to Yaya's work, so technically…"

Ikuto laughed. "She's definitely your sister." He said.

"Technically my ass, little girl." She grumbled. "Alright, but if they come here, I'm diving under the counter." Yaya grabbed her apron and started washing tables like she always did.

"Can I help?" she asked.

Amu remembered how before what happened, happened Ami used to go to work with her all the time. She smiled. "Yeah. Help him ice the cupcakes. According to him, I lack artistic ability." She threw a pointed look at the blue haired boy.

Her little sister scoffed. "Has he read your poetry? That's an art in itself."

"He has, but he didn't have permission." She took a bite of a cupcake again.

Ami grasped the tube of icing and iced one of the cupcakes lazily. "You're lucky you're still alive then." She joked.

"Well, she did make a pretty ugly gash on my arm the same night." Her face heated up.

"I didn't mean to!" she exclaimed, spinning the display. "I was trying to cut myself and you were the idiot that put your arm over mine. Therefore, it is not my fault."

Ami listened to the banter closely. She'd never heard her sister joke so openly. Her face had a deep blush on it, but there was a smile that reached her eyes.

"Are you two dating?" she asked casually. Apparently, it was that much a casual question because Amu jumped surprised and started to fall back off the counter.

She shrieked. "Fuck!" She prepared to feel her ass hit the hard tile. Instead she felt her back hit someone's chest. She tilted her head up and saw Ikuto's smirk.

"No, we're not dating. But we do own a cat." He said, setting her back up.

Ami looked back and forth from the two of them. "I'm sure Yoru is napping in your bed right now." She muttered.

The door chimed. Lucky for her, it was not her parents. It was much worse. Saaya came walking in, like she owned the place. Amu had never wanted to throw a cupcake stand at someone in her life. She did now though.

She leaned on the counter, pushing Ami out of the way a little too harshly. "Don't fucking touch my sister," she growled and Saaya actually stepped back in surprise. "Do what you want, but don't even touch my sister at all." She could deal with her messing with her, but when someone messed with her little sister, well, she drew the line.

"Sorry," She mumbled to Ami and she moved over a little. She leaned over the counter, showing her cleavage in an effort to draw Ikuto's attention. His attention was focused on his friend that was about to start string Christmas lights around the café at the request of her boss. Her high top converse met the seat of a chair as she stretched up.

Ami actually moved down the counter to get away from Saaya, and saw the apologetic look he gave her.

"What are you doing here?" He asked her, perhaps a little too rudely.

"I wanted to talk." She said and ran her fingers up his arm. He pulled his arm back. "I miss you." She told him, trying to fake cry. "I want to get back together." He shook his head and she started again. "What, are you dating the newest charity case?"

Amu heard that bit, but she ignored it.

"No, I'm not." He said sadly, but Saaya didn't hear the sadness.

"Then why don't we get back together and Tadase can have his little cutter back."

Amu realized that Saaya wouldn't know how much those words hurt, but like always; she took it and didn't expect anyone to get defensive. God, how wrong she was.

"Get out, Saaya." Ikuto said, moving around the counter to get in front of Ami, who was about to lunge forward and strangle her. She looked at him and jumped forward to hug him. Amu's palm slammed into her forehead. Saaya hadn't even realized she'd flashed in front of the boy.

"Are you so pathetic you can't get the point? Bitch, he doesn't want you. Get over it." She said, taking satisfaction in Saaya's angry look.

"And you think he wants you?" she scoffed. "You're just the girl he's taking pity on."

"I don't give a shit whether he wants me or not." She said, even though she kind of did. "But he's my friend and you're becoming a nuisance." She opened and closed her mouth, trying to retaliate. When she couldn't find anything to say, her fist came forward.

"Oh, shit." Ami murmured, tugging Ikuto behind the counter. "Take cover if you wish to live." Yaya followed them and they kept their eyes over the counter.

Amu moved quickly, and went under her am. Her right arm hooked under Saaya's arm and she gripped it. All Saaya saw was the flash of Amu moving past her, and then slamming her into the wall, with both of her arms restrained. When had she grabbed the other arm? Dropping one, she pressed her elbow to her throat hard.

Ikuto had never really seen Amu loose her temper. He saw her arm was shaking, like she really was trying to hold herself in check. Ami was watching her sister, honestly surprised at the control she had to not completely take that girl's head off.

Saaya coughed, trying to gasp for air. Amu backs away a few steps. "Leave, or I can escort you out myself."

Saaya was out the door in a flash.

Ami spoke first. "You didn't even hit her." She said in disbelief. She'd seen her sister lost her temper before and nearly take out everything.

"I'm at work. I'm not losing my job over her, and I already know she'll come back."

Yaya was the one to talk next. "Well, aren't you a fun little lollipop triple dipped in psycho." Ikuto fell on the floor laughing.

Amu turned to look at her. "That's a new one." She said, genuinely smiling.

"It fits you so well though!" Ikuto said laughing.

XXX

"So," he said, as they walked down the street. "Do you have any plans for the break?" She shook her head, bumping her shoulder into his. "I'm guessing you're not seeing your parents for Christmas." She shook her head. "Well, what do you want for Christmas?" He asked her.

"Nothing," She answered quickly. At his confused look, she continued. "Don't get me anything." She said. "I don't want to be a bother, and I won't even be at your house on Christmas, so,"

He quickly stopped in the street, turning her to face him in the snowy streets under the lights. "What do you mean you won't be there?" He asked, with a sad feeling in his heart.

She shoved her hands in her pocket. "Well, I mean. It's a family thing and I don't want to intrude or anything…" He stared at her. She looked right up into his stare.

"Then where were you planning to go?"

"I just figured I'd visit Ran, Miki and Suu like I did last year." She said quietly.

"What if you lose it again?" he said, and just thinking about it worried him a little. It made him worry a lot, but he couldn't' tell her that. She'd tell him whatever, chalk it up to him teasing her and then tell him to go find his next victim.

"So what if I do?" Their voices were hushed in the city streets. Souko was probably worried. She'd stay up late until they were home. "Who cares, right?" She turned to walk away. She told herself she wouldn't cry. Amu expected him to just let her go.

He spun her back and stared at her, his mouth going dry. He didn't know what the feelings in his chest were, but they lit up when she looked at him. "Wrong," he said. "I care." She started to say whatever. He grasped her shoulders. "No, not whatever, Amu. I care, Amu. I care about whether you get hurt."

She wanted to pull away because she was getting scared. She didn't feel like she was in control of her feelings at all, and that was a scary feeling for her. At the same time though, she knew she wanted someone to care. Tsukiyomi Ikuto had been the last person she thought would care about her, or if she was hurt.

He stepped back. "I'm sorry. I know you don't like being touched." He started to walk away like she had tried.

She stood there frozen. All this time, in the past twelve months, she's wanted someone to reach out to her, but how can they if she doesn't put in effort as well? Being touched by anyone that was male was one of the scariest things for her. After the attack, her walls came down and no male came in anymore. Kukai didn't get hugs. She didn't reach out, but now she wanted to try. Even if she was terrified.

"It's okay." She said quietly. He looked back. Her voice was shaking. "I don't mind if you touch me." She spoke quietly, almost a whisper the wind could blow away. He stepped back in front of her. "Because I trust you."

Trust. She was scared of just the words. She had a lot of fears, and ran when someone tried to save her. That confused her because she wanted to be saved.

He smiled, and watched her eyes as they shifted. She was so confused, but trusting him was a start.

XXX

She sat in her bed, with the comforters pulled over her head. Yoru chose to sleep with her tonight. He was curled up in the crook of her arm. She slipped her head phones into her ears, and turned on her iPod. She scrolled until she found the song that was a tribute by Helio.

The last words she heard before she fall asleep were _feeling worthless, self destruction, try to take control of this._

XXX

In the next room Ikuto was lying in his bed, looking out at the street lights. His arms were propped under his head as he sighed. Her words were echoing inside his head. _Because I trust you._

The four words made him completely elated inside. She was opening up bit by bit. He was scared too even if she didn't see it. Because somehow, she was getting him to open up too.

**The song she was listening to is one of my favorites. Go to YouTube, type in To Write Love On Her Arms-Helio. It will come up. I don't own the song, or have anything to do with any of that. Most of you said yes to the fight. As you can tell, that wasn't a fight. Just a little snippet. (: Anyways, thank you for your reviews. There's still much to go in her opening up. More to the plot and such. **

**Does anyone want them to kiss soon? Just wondering. **

**Anyways, it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm a tired baby velociraptor. I can't wait to read your reviews. **

**-Kelsey. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Enjoy. I'm tired. Thank you for all the reviews! I got sick today and planned to write tomorrow, but you guys left 13 reviews last chapter and I was like fuck. I have to write this now to update fast and hope they like it. So, you know. Enjoy. Be entertained. If this is bad, I'll take it down and rewrite it, but I like it.**

**I don't own Shugo Chara**

Christmas was four days away now. Souko was rushing around the house, decorating and baking sweets. Utau and Kukai were helping her, but Amu had to work since the Christmas rush brought in a lot of money each year. Souko wiped sweat off of her forehead from the heat of the kitchen and the open oven. After this she had to do last minute Christmas shopping.

Ikuto had already left though and was helping Amu at her work. While she rushed around, delivering food, he made the food since her boss wasn't at work today. Yaya was helping her take orders and Ami was lounging in a chair by the counter reading a magazine. Once again, her parents had no idea where she really was. Ami didn't mind breaking the rules, if it meant seeing her sister.

Amu came up to the counter, swiping sweat off of her face from the heat in the café. There were so many people today that swung by to sit down with all of their bags, to take a break from their Christmas shopping.

"So many people," She said, taking the drink he gave her. "This is my favorite. Thanks." She picked up a cupcake and sat on top of the counter. She took a bite and then wiped icing off of her lip.

"Psychotic lollipop." He said, to see her reaction. She turned and shoved a cupcake in his face.

"I'll show you psychotic." She said, smirking and picked up another cupcake, peeling the wrapping paper off of the bottom. She bit into it. "I swear, you're going to make these more often."

"How often?" Amu had a sweet tooth, he realized.

"More often then you make bacon."

"That's multiple times a day."

"It's cupcakes. It's always cupcake time." She smiled as he let out a laugh.

Ami watched them over her magazine. She hadn't seen her sister this happy and carefree in a long time.

XXX

"Hurry up, woman. We need to go or we'll be late!" He grumbled, leaning against her door frame. Hastily, she streaked black eyeliner across the bottom eye lids. "If we don't go now, we'll have to face the Christmas horde." He said in mock terror. She just shook her head and laced up her boots. They had a flat sole, but went a few inches under her knees and laced up into a knot.

"Stop complaining." She grumbled, grabbing his letterman's jacket off the back of her chair. At one point, she wouldn't have wanted to wear it. Now, she probably wasn't going to give it back. He could deal with it. "They'll be too busy sucking face to notice we're late anyways."

Sighing, he let her take her time. "Son of a bitch," His voice cut through the air. She looked up surprised. "Yoru just ran out the front door."

She dropped her stuff and raced after Ikuto as they ran out the front door. Souko was decorating the Christmas tree and they passed her so fast she didn't get the chance to ask what was wrong.

"There he is!" Ikuto yelled, pointing in the middle of the street of ice.

"Dammit," She grumbled, hopping through the holes his feet left in the snow. Ikuto slid out into the ice, waving his arms. She tried to catch him, but he ended up dragging her down with him. She hobbled back to her feet, reaching out her hands to pull him up.

That didn't work.

"Ow," he whimpered, rubbing his chin where her forehead hit. She looked up and he stuttered at her close proximity. "Y-Yoru." This time he brought himself to his feet, and gripped her hand, pulling her up. Then he realized he probably should have let go, because she slid.

"Fuck!" She yelled and tried to run after the mischievous kitty that was sliding on his four paws across the slick ice.

From inside, Souko watched the two chasing after their new pet whilst slipping and sliding on the ice. Through the glass paneled window, she heard their laughter and their cuss words. She watched Yoru try to escape.

"Oh, no you don't!" Amu yelled with her boot slipping as she jumped forward. Ikuto jumped with her, trying to make sure she didn't fall on her face. Her arms became outstretched, and her elbow slammed into his nose.

"Mother-" She cut him off as she crawled across the ice after hitting it. Her hands came around their kitten's torso.

"Got you, you sneaky, evasive little shit." She heard Ikuto's laughing behind her as he came to sit next to her. He dusted the snow out of her hair. She sneezed and it sounded more like a squeak.

"That was adorable." He muttered, taking Yoru out of her hands and giving him a death stare. "No catnip for a week," He muttered. She giggled and ran her fingers across his fur, hearing him purr.

Inside again, Souko smiled a knowing smile.

XXX

Ikuto walked through the mall, with Amu on his back because she felt tired. He didn't really mind. She was light. Her arms were slung over his shoulders and he held her up by the back of her knees. He carried her through the food court to meet Kukai and Utau.

Kukai turned to see them and he felt the shock register. His little sister had her arms latched around his neck with her head lying on his shoulder. That was just confusing. Every day, it seemed like they got a little closer, and she got a little more comfortable around him. They joked around like best friends, but anytime Ikuto was near, he had his eyes out for her, and was protective.

It made him wonder if Ikuto had feelings for his sister. He had a hard time believing Amu had feelings like that for anyone right now. Utau slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. He smiled and turned to kiss her girlfriend on her forehead.

"Hey," Ikuto called out as he walked up to them. Amu lifted her head and Kukai saw that she was wearing eyeliner again. That hadn't happened in a few months. She smiled at her brother, and showed her straight, white teeth. Braces when you're thirteen paid off. "Sorry we're late. Yoru got out."

"Who's Yoru?" Kukai asked.

"Our kitten," Amu said, sliding off Ikuto's back to go to Utau's side. They would shop together and the boys would shop together. "He's cute, but he wanted to run out in the snow."

"We chased him down." Ikuto said.

"He's an evasive little shit." She muttered as Utau tugged on her arm. "Ready to go?" The blonde nodded.

Amu let her grab her hand and drag her to a department store full of clothes.

"So," Kukai said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You and Amu are becoming pretty good friends."

"Yeah." Ikuto said, as they walked towards a sporting goods store. "What about it?"

"I'm just going to be up front about it here." He stopped and looked at his friend. "Is there something going on between you and Amu?"

"Not that I'm aware of," He scratched the back of his head nervously. Lately, he'd been doing a lot of thinking about that. While there were some feelings there, he had no idea what they were. Well, he knew he liked her some. It was that new feeling of a new crush. Except it wasn't like a normal crush. Normal crushes he'd had in the past never involved the complications she had. He wasn't saying they were a problem, he was saying it wasn't like every other crush. Maybe because it really meant something.

"Bullshit," He called out.

"I haven't done anything, Kukai. I know what you're about to ask, and I haven't made any kind of mood and I don't plan to." He wasn't going to make any kind of move when she was so scared and confused still. "I just know that she trusts me right now and I care."

"You care?" Kukai asked. "Will you still care when you learn the truth?" Ikuto nodded seriously. "She has to tell you on her own, but it's hard on her, Ikuto. Her trust doesn't come easily, and you broke it once. It's even harder to get it back then to get it in the first place."

"I don't need the lecture." He said angrily.

"It's my little sister here."

"It's my best friend!" He said loudly. He took in Kukai's surprised face. "Yeah, she's my best friend. Maybe someday she'll be more. Right now though she needs support and that's what I'm doing. She hasn't cut in almost two weeks now. I'm here to help her, not get in her pants."

Ikuto stalked off, and Kukai trailed after him a little surprised.

XXX

"What are you getting Ikuto?"

"Nothing." Amu said casually, flipping through clothes racks.

"You know he's going to get you something, right?" Utau said, eyeing a pair of jeans with wings on the back of them.

"I told him not too." She said like that meant something.

"Ikuto doesn't listen. He'll buy you something anyways."

Amu looked down sadly. "I don't know what to get him." The girl beside her thought for a few moments. "I guess I'll just wing it."

XXX

There was two days left until Christmas. Amu didn't feel like coming out of her room on her day off, so Ikuto came to her, Yoru tagging along on his shoulder. Now they were lying on the carpeted floor. They had nothing to do unfortunately. Her phone vibrated on her bed and she groaned. It was Tadase, who had paid more attention to her in the last month then the five months they dated.

"Can you believe it's only been a month since that night at the bridge?" she asked him, turning her head so the right side of her face pressed against the carpet. The left side of his was on the carpet as he stared back.

"Not really. It feels so far away." He said softly, throwing a piece of paper into the waste bin.

"I can't believe how close we are after that." She murmured and laced her fingers into a web across her flat stomach.

"I didn't even know you then," He murmured.

"Were you scared when I jumped?" She asked suddenly.

"I was fucking terrified." He raked his finger through her hair as it was strewn back across the floor. Knowing she'd ask why, he continued. "I was so scared I wouldn't get to you in time." Ikuto watched a smile go across her face.

"And then you did grab me and you pulled me out. I don't remember that part though."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember the absence of stable ground beneath me, which was why I screamed. I remember hitting freezing cold water and having a stupid thought of I should have worn a jacket." He laughed loudly, looking up at the ceiling and then back to her. "The next thing I remembered was," she paused, her cheeks coloring a little bit as Yoru nuzzled her cheek. She picked him up and set him on her tummy. "The next thing I remember was opening my eyes and feeling someone's lips on mine."

"Sorry about that, because you must have been terrified." Even if he'd known how she felt about touch though then, he wouldn't have stopped. He would've saved her, despite her being uncomfortable.

"Actually, no." She whispered. "I wasn't scared at all. It was almost soothing." When she saw his smirk, she hit him upside the head. "Don't let that inflate your ego."

"I won't." He said seriously. "That night you said they were going to kill you. Who were you talking about?"

She sighed heavily. "My parents are big on images. To them, it doesn't really matter what's on the inside, but reflections in the mirror count. Because reflections in a mirror are the outward appearance other people will see."

"They sound bitchy."

Amu snickered. "You have no idea, but," She paused. "That's how it's been. It's always been about reflections, outward appearances. So, it was brutal living with them after the attack. I know you don't' really know what happened yet in detail, but you know in general." He nodded. "I tried to kill myself the night it happened. I didn't really realize what I was doing. Everything just went flying," she waved her hands around to make her point. "Into the wind and there was nothing. I looked down and saw blood. I saw my friends."

His hand covered hers. "You don't have to tell me," He said. She needed to go at her own pace, and he knew this. He's accepted it and he's not walking away, so he's got time. She shook her head.

"I saw them in puddles of mushed snow, ice and blood. When I close my eyes at night, that's still what I see. The men used knives and they left their knives when the left. The police believed they left to find me. Well, I came back." She breathed in harshly. Like last time, it felt amazing to talk about things and vent. "I picked up the knife and I stabbed myself in the stomach. When they found us the next morning, I was still alive obviously."

She felt him lace their fingers to comfort her. It was okay. She could handle this.

Something else was coming he realized. From the tone in her voice it was something bad.

"What is it?" He asked softly.

"I was in the hospital when my mom came in. I thought she was going to hug me and comfort me after losing them because she came close to me. That's not what happened though. Her hand came across my face in a closed fist. There were no nurses or doctors in the room, but Ami saw it happen." She took a second to breathe in. "My mom told me they found my finger prints on one of the knives. She said I killed them. A police officer was passing by then. He told her right then and there that there was no possible way for it to have been me. I didn't have the strength to cause all the cuts, or take them all on. He knew for a fact though, I'd never do it anyways. "

Ikuto nodded.

"From her point of view, he had to give evidence. My finger prints were there because I stabbed myself. She didn't listen though. Ami watched it all, and at one point she tried coming over. My father pulled her into the lobby."

Ikuto was left unable to breathe. How did she handle these secrets? How was her mother so fucking stupid?

"Kukai got there a little after that. He defended me, but it was too late. Our happy little family was torn apart. The police officer there told me he thought my parents wanted someone to blame, because the real attackers were nameless, faceless. My mom blamed me because I ran away too. I didn't run because I wanted to live. I ran because Ran shoved me out of the way and took a stab into her chest. Miki begged me to run." She was crying now. Her last memories of her friends were so painful. Sobs ripped out of her.

"Shh, shh, I've got you." Ikuto pulled her to him and let his arms wrap around her.

"That was when they started to aim to kill us." He knew something came before that part, but didn't think of asking what. She'd tell him when she was ready. "The blow Ran took was the fatal one. It was supposed to be me." She drew in a shaky breath as tears cascaded down. "The knife's blade broke off in her chest. Miki begged me to run then." Amu grabbed Ikuto's shirt, crying into it. He rubbed her back, trying to soothe her. "I ran, as fast as I could. And then I turned back. They weren't there. It hit me how I'd run when they were being attacked. I heard Suu's scream and my feet hit the concrete before I had one thought. I found them, already gone."

He wiped the tears away and really looked at her for the first time. "It's going to be okay, Amu. I swear. It's going to be okay." She nodded. "Just, rest." She really did look like she was ready to pass out. He knew that there was more to the story, besides the knives. She could tell him when she was ready. Her hands were small and trembling as she let him comfort her.

As she began to doze, he kissed her forehead. It was just instinct, but she never even noticed. She was already asleep.

They stayed there, and slowly he fell asleep too. Yoru even slept there too, using her long hair as a rug. Aruto came in a few hours later, to tell them that dinner was ready, but when he saw them he called for his wife to come look. She smiled at the two sleeping forms.

Her head rested on his chest as it rose and fell slowly. Silently, they closed the door and let them stay in their private position for as long as they wanted.

XXX

**Bam. Lots of information this chapter. Don't worry, there's more to come. After you guys reviewed SO MUCH, I had to make something that you'd been waiting for. See? There was a kiss, but it was cute and not all slobbery. :P Anyways, I hope this gets as many reviews. I really hope you enjoyed it. It's not that long, but it had a shit ton of information, so let me off the hook?**

**Leave me ideas for the next chapter, because I seriously have no idea right now. Mistletoe? Going to the memorial? Chasing Yoru down the street again? Bacon missions?**

**Let me know, alright?**

**AHHH. Junior year starts tomorrow. **

**Oh, and if you have ideas, let me know.**

**-Kelsey.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you for your reviews. I'm sorry for updating later than usual! Really, I am. I got my first novel for my college reading class today, and I've already started. It's Jane Eyre, and I love it already! Lol. I have to memorize vocabulary for German 2, and last night my little brother was in a car wreck. I found out today after school, so it really has caused me to not start writing right then. Next week will be more hectic as things settle down and work starts in. Anyways, I started this last night before I knew about my brother's wreck. He's really lucky to be alive right now, and it scared me so much. In a way, it almost gave me a new perspective to write this at. **

**Also, chapters will be longer than they are now. This is because of school. I won't be updating every day. I have a college class, and it's hard for me. I WILL ALWAYS UPDATE AT LEAST 1 TIME A WEEK. But there should be 2 or 3. Thank you for understand. Give me ideas, and I will put them in the plans and such. Sorry for this damn long note. A lot happened. **

**This is for you guys! Thanks for all of your support! **

**I don't own Shugo Chara!**

Amu swung back and forth quietly, watching her breath drift out of her mouth and swirl in front of her. She wiggled her feet, clad in her black moccasins that was fluffy on the inside, kicking snow out from under her swing. After that she tried to shake the ice out of them.

It was freezing-literally-and was about to drop into the twenties. She sighed. She knew Souko would be worried eventually that she wasn't back yet. But she'd give Amu the time she wanted. Even though it hurt, she wanted to reminisce.

Tonight was Christmas Eve and right back now the Tsukiyomi household would be full of relatives were gathered around a large ten foot Christmas tree twinkling with lights while their wine glasses sparkled. Their family had flown in from all over Japan just to make it here. Right now, they'd be making memories that last a lifetime.

Memories.

Hinamori Amu was swinging in a small children's' swing at a local elementary school in the more run down part of town. The building was scheduled for demolition next month. That wrecking ball would take years of memories with it. A lifetime ago-what felt like a lifetime anyways-Amu, Ran, Miki and Suu had been students here. Ever since kindergarten the four had been best friends.

The three sisters had an unbreakable bond, but they thought of Amu as their sister.

There were so many memories here. On a wall near the doors that would lead to the first grade hallway, there were colored handprints. On the bottom there were four handprints shaped into the form of a four leaf clover. Ran's was pink. Miki's was blue. Suu's was green, and Amu's was red.

She remembered the day so clearly. Every single memory she had of her best friends she had completely snapped into place with stark, harsh clarity after they died. It seemed like a blessing and a curse all at the same time. It was a blessing because she'd never forget the amazing girls she'd grown up with. It was a curse because they were gone and memories, despite how precious they were, were like a double edged razor blade. She couldn't truly grasp any of her memories because they stung like a cut.

Memories were everywhere though. They were impossible to run from.

Amu skinned her knee on a blue slide in the center big toy of the playground in fourth grade and Miki took her to the nurse's office then. On the same swing set Amu was swinging on, Ran jumped out of it, and broke her arm. _"I wanted to fly!"_ Ran's younger voice echoed in her ears. They learned that Ran couldn't fly. Miki had fallen off probably every single toy on the playground.

Amu smiled a little at her friend's extreme clumsiness. Her optimistic sister ran was the athletic one. Miki was so artistic-she loved to draw and draw a sketch for Amu's poems- and Suu, she just loved to cook. Amu-and everyone else who knew her-was sure she'd go into culinary arts. She would have to, if her life hadn't been so cruelly slammed into the ground of the alley.

Amu was the one who loved to write. Ever since elementary school she was always writing. She tended to space out of her lessons and starts to write on a piece of paper. She always got in trouble for that. She avoided that now though, not wanting her name called out period. Still, since she could hold a pencil, she's been writing. Whether it was poems, or stories. Writing was her passion, and in a way, her first love. Some might call that silly, but to her, the freedom of her words was everything.

Her teachers used to say that it would take her write to the stop. Amu didn't see herself going to the top of anything anymore except maybe her parents' list of _Biggest Failure of a Daughter._ It was a bit melodramatic, but she didn't care.

She sighed heavily, watching her breath slip away. She should go back now, and catch the last bus of the night so she wouldn't have to walk. She didn't though. It was nearing one in the morning, and temperatures were dropping even more now. Amu would just walk back, even though it was a long, long ways away. It took forty minutes to get here by a bus, so…

She pushed that out of her mind and wandered over to the wall with their hand prints on it. Her shoes were filled with snow and ice as she waded through the snow that had been left to build up unlike the busy streets. Amu knelt down to knock all of the snow off the wall where the hand prints were.

She stared at the four tiny hand prints and felt the tears well up. "I miss you," She whispered. Her hand was much larger now than it was when she was seven. It's been ten years since we did this, she thought. Amu placed her palm in the middle of the four, the base of her palm reached two and she stretched her fingers to lie across the others.

It felt like the remnants of her innocence were still here. It was a simpler time then. The four of them had been completely oblivious to what could happen in the world, or how cruel the world really was. She'd love to go back and stop them from going on that night. She thought about it every night

What if they hadn't gone?

What if they hadn't taken a 'short cut'?

What if they were faster?

What if they had left a few minutes earlier?

What if they hadn't snuck out?

What if Amu hadn't run away when Miki told her to run?

What if's went through her mind pretty often. Sometimes she'd lie awake at night just thinking what could have happened if she, or the others had done something different.

A voice spoke behind her. "Hey," She jumped a little at the voice. It was Ikuto naturally. He was the only one who would have come after her. "My mom told me where to find you." He explained, knowing she'd probably be mad that he showed up. "Are you alright?"

She stood up quietly and turned. He saw that her eyes were watery. He'd just interrupted a private moment.

"No, I'm not, but I will be." She said, her voice was full of sadness, but there was the littlest speck of hope in it too. "What are you doing here?" Her bag was slung over her right shoulder and the strap lied between her breasts-like always. He swore she never went anywhere without it.

That was true. Her razors still felt like a life line, and she kept them close along with her notebooks and pens. She feared the day she had to face the world without them.

"I called you several times and you never picked up." He said, like it was obvious. Amu scrambled to pull her cell phone out of her messenger bag's side pocket. He was right. He'd called eleven times in the last hour and a half. Oh.

"I never felt it vibrating. I'm sorry." She said, flipping through the call log to look at all the times individually. "Still, why did you come just because I didn't pick up my phone?" It still didn't make much sense to her. Obviously, she was fine.

"I was worried that maybe you were going to hurt yourself." He mumbled lowly. He felt guilty for even thinking that now because she was fine and she didn't appear to be on the edge of going off on herself. She probably thought he didn't trust her now. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. But last time you came to this side of the city…"

"It's alright," She said, cutting him off. Amu was even smiling. He just had that effect on her. "I get it." She probably wouldn't tell him out loud, but she was a little happy he'd been concerned at all about her. "I'm okay though, physically anyways. I was just remembering memories of this place."

"Did you go here?" He asked. She nodded slowly. "Do you want to go inside?"

"What?" She asked, confused. It was nearly one in the morning. Going into the decaying school seemed to be out of the question. "We can't go in. The doors are locked."

"No, they're not. A bunch of kids come in here to do drugs. Trust me, the doors aren't locked. Do you want to go inside?" She gave him a look. "I'm sure there's no one in there right now."

"Alright," She said. He plucked her bag off of her shoulder and put it on, carrying it for her. Any other night, she'd have argued, but she really didn't have the energy for it right now.

Together, they trudged through the snow and the slick spots all the way around the brick walls. The street lights lit up the mounds and caused the white snow to sparkle. Ikuto stepped up the five steps leading to the doors. Then he reached back offering his hand to make sure she didn't slip. The stairs were icy.

On either side of the steps, there were two stone banisters like blocks. "We used to slide down those in the winter." She mused. "I met Ran, Miki and Suu here." She explained. He nodded, realizing why she'd come here. "Some boy shoved me off of it in fourth grade too."

He laughed. The sound of it was relieving. The night didn't feel so sad anymore.

"Well, he sounds like a jerk." He said. "Did you know him?"

She shrugged. "I knew that he liked to shove me off of things a lot."

Just like he said, the doors weren't locked. He yanked hard on the handle in case the ice had frozen it shut. It came open all too easily and he stumbled back, landing against her. She squeaked, falling backwards off of the banister like she had so often when she was younger, and he came down with her.

Her fingers wrapped themselves in his shirt, trying to pull herself back up. It didn't work at all. They landed in the piled up, smooth snow. Luckily the snow was enough to cushion their fall. She squeezed her eyes shut, but when she opened them, she saw Ikuto. He was completely still there, hovering over her. His hands were flat on either side of her head, but his body didn't touch hers in anyways.

He thought she might freak out if he hadn't caught himself in time. If he hadn't, they'd be pressed together, and he had a feeling he'd come home with a black eye because she'd have another episode. Behind him, the metal school door hit the brick with a loud clang.

Ikuto looked at her for several long seconds. Her eyes were wide and bright. He'd never stopped to look at how gold they were. She was waiting for him to get off of her, but he was frozen by her gaze. She pushed on his chest lightly and he snapped out of it. Standing quickly, he pulled her to her feet and then they jumped back up onto the stairs, rushing into the abandoned hall way. He pulled the door shut behind him.

She shivered, and dusted all of the snow off of her. Stepping up behind her, he knocked some of the snowflakes out of her hair. Amu already knew where she was heading. She walked down the long hallway and made a left, walking down to the kindergarten classroom where she'd met them. She didn't remember any of her old teachers' names, but she remembered the rooms.

Throughout the school there were still some things hung up on the walls. There were some decorations put up by the teachers. Ikuto walked behind her. The ceiling looked like it was about to fall in completely. Inside classrooms they passed, there were overturned desks and thrown chairs. Some kids had probably had a party in here.

XXX

"Ow!" She mumbled violently after stubbing her toe on the leg of a desk. "Fuck, it's always the pinky toe." She grumbled. He was smirking while he sat on what used to a teacher's desk.

"Hey, Amu?" He asked. Her head came up while she limped over dramatically. He rolled his eyes as he dug around in his pocket. His hands wrapped around the box. It was now or never had he guessed. He had something in his bag for her too. Her bag and his back pack were sitting on the tile floor. The tiles were beginning to separate and fall apart now.

"What is it?" Amu jumped up on the desk and kicked off her shoes. Then she sat beside him, facing him completely with her legs crossed. The bottoms of her jeans were wet from walking in the snow. Her jacket was draped over the old teacher's chair. It seemed like she'd been here just yesterday.

"Merry Christmas," He said and pulled out the box. Her eyes widened. "You said to not get you anything, but I wanted to. So I hope you like it." He took her hand and opened her palm, laying the black velvet box in her hand. He hoped he hadn't gone too far with the words that were engraved in it. Ikuto could only hope she wouldn't be mad that he brought it up at all.

Amu opened the small box. Inside was a silver ring that would fit around her ring finger best. It was a simple band, but she saw words engraved on it. On the inside of the band it read _Turn your scars into stars_. She recognized the quote from somewhere, but didn't remember where. On the outside of the band, it read _You can never find yourself unless you find the truth._

Swallowing, she looked up at him. Ikuto looked terrified that she would hate it and the quotes. Had he gone too far with those? "I love it," she said quietly, slipping it on. The only finger it fit perfectly on was her ring finger on her left hand. She smiled as a few tears slid down. How long had it been since someone cared enough to reach out to tell her something like those quotes?

She didn't know what truth there was left to find, but maybe someday she'd learn.

"I didn't get you anything." She said sheepishly. "I didn't think you would really get me anything."

"Well," He began. "I got you something else too." He reached down for his bag. Her eyes were wide again.

"You don't have to, Ikuto." She said. "I don't want to be a burden." She reached forward, fingers outstretched to stop him from picking up his bag. He turned to her with those dark eyes that were now clouded by an emotion she'd never seen.

"You're not a burden, Amu." He whispered. Why was he whispering? They were in this school completely alone, so why was his voice so hushed? She didn't realize it, but his voice actually sounded intimate. She was rather dense though. "You're," He broke off the sentence while she looked at him with her confused gold eyes. "You're special." Her cheeks flushed a dark crimson. "You're someone close to me." He finally finished. He didn't know how to really explain how she was special. She wasn't his girlfriend, but she wasn't just his closest friend. "So, deal with getting things from me and get over it."

She smirked. "Sweet moment over." She said and he laughed.

"Here. Kukai told me you liked stuffed animals and,"

She cut him off. "Penguin!" She screamed, snatching the fluffy penguin out of his hands. She hugged it to her chest like a child and he watched her, smiling. The light reflected off of her new ring. "I like you more now that you've given me a penguin." She said, holding the penguin out to look at him. "What should his name be?" She paused. "I'm naming him Cuddles." He gave her a look.

"That's not what I expected." He laughed a little. She looked down, feeling bad. She hadn't gotten him anything at all. What could she do to make him feel special too?

"Didn't you say you wanted me to get rid of my razor blades?" She asked.

"Yeah, why?"

She smiled and hopped off of the desk, scooping her bag up. "Come on, we've got somewhere to be. He gave her a confused look, but followed.

As they stepped outside the school, she looked back. The memories she had of Ran, Miki and Suu were somewhat tainted by their attack. But tonight she'd made a new memory here. It was a memory that made her really happy. And what she was about to do would make Ikuto really happy too. She smiled and hugged her penguin as she slid into his car.

**Yes, it's ending there. Because the next chapter should be a chapter by itself. Anyways, thanks for waiting. I really am sorry. It would have been up Friday, but my little brother nearly died and I couldn't write because I wanted to be with him. I hope you understand. I can't wait to read your reviews. **

**Next chapter, do you want them to kiss, or come near kissing or what? I mean, I don't even know yet, so I'm always open to ideas.**

**The quotes aren't mine! I don't know who they're by though. But they belong to their owners. Tell me what you thought. **

**Also, if it's not too much to ask: if you pray, could you include my younger brother in your prayers? He's in pain… I'm not looking for attention, prayers just mean something in my opinion. **

**Do you want the next chapter to be uber long or what?**

**-Kelsey**


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Shugo Chara!

The bridge was dark, as it had been a month ago. The water looked black as it had a month ago, with the full moon high in the air, suspended in the air. She looked at its reflection in the water. Slowly, she looked over the railing and Ikuto's nerves were on edge, as if she was about to make her second attempt. Amu could feel his tension rolling off in waves.

Ikuto was completely clueless to why they were here of all places. Without moving, he watched Amu.

Her palms came down to the railing, as her fingers curved themselves around it. Swallowing, she stared down at the water. The light coming from the moon reflected off of the band on her finger. Reflections, everywhere I turn there's a reflection. Every which way I look there's a reflection. There's who the person really is on the inside, and then the front they put up.

Amu was slightly hypocritical. As much as she hated the fronts people put up-mainly her parents-she couldn't destroy hers. Was it because she was so used to the habit of having one? Was she too scared for people to really see her? If her parents couldn't love her the way she was, could anyone else? She asked too many questions, something that got on Tadase's nerves when she dated him.

She dug her fingers into her pocket, gripping the blades. It was now or never, she realized. Either she'd do it, or she wouldn't. What was the worst that could happen? The worst was that maybe he'd be a little sad. She stopped to think of what he'd do if she let go of them though. She imagined the smile he'd have, if he'd hug her again. Touch still scares her, but she loves hugs.

"Goddammit," She whispered. Everything used to be black and white for her. There was no gray in between. There wasn't confusion. She knew her place. She knew the opinions. Her parents hated her, they wouldn't talk to her. She was cheated on. She had nearly been a victim of rape and murder. She was bullied. Now there was a huge gray expanse in her mind, which she found she couldn't cross on her own as she did everything else. "You changed everything." She said, with her voice wavering.

It was true. Everything was different now, and it had only been a month. What would happen-what else would change, what else could she feel-if he was around for a year? She told herself to not get her hopes up about that though. There was no telling at all if he'd leave or not.

A few tears slid down her cheeks. Her pink hair went past her breasts now, but she let it dangle over the railing. He stood on the right of her, frozen in place, confused on what to do, and what she was saying.

She sighed and threw the razors out of her hands. Ikuto let out a harsh breath as the clattered to the wood of the old bridge. "Take them," She said. "Take them all." Her voice was shaking as she slumped to her knees. "You wanted me to give them to you and I am. I'll try like you wanted." He stopped breathing. "I'll try like Utau, Kukai, Ami, and you want me to. I'll try to stop cutting."

She was so scared, scared of him walking out, scared of him not caring. Those rhombus shaped pieces of metal were her life line ever since the funeral. Slowly he bent down to pick them up. A few were stained with blood, probably from one of the times she lost control. Ikuto set them down next to her and watched in awe as she swiped them off of the edge of the bridge.

I'm not promising I won't relapse." She told him, wiping her eyes. "I'm not going to promise you anything at all." He chuckled at her threatening tone.

"Well, I promise to stay, even if you do relapse." She looked up at him, startled at his sudden proximity. Her golden orbs wavered as she stared up. His mouth was inches from her. He backed up a little, seeing a trace of fear come into her eyes. Amu's chest warmed when she saw his familiar smile. "Let's go," He said, reaching out to her with his hand.

She grasped it without any hesitation. Usually it was Ikuto who intertwined their fingers, but this time it was Amu. To anyone else, it was just a girl accepting his hand to help her up. But to them, it was something else. She reached out in a way, even if she wasn't totally aware of the fact yet. When he felt her small fingers slide through the spaces between his, he stared at her surprised.

But they smiled at each other.

XXX

He carried her up to her room, with her penguin in her arms. She fell asleep in the car on the way home. She was exhausted. He laid her down gently and tugged the sheets over her. He plugged her phone into its charger so it would be ready for when she had to leave for her shift at two the next day.

She only had to work a few hours, and she'd volunteered to do it. Ikuto guessed it was so she could get out of the house on Christmas.

Carefully, he leaned over to kiss the top of her head. He wasn't sure why he wanted to do that, but he did. She didn't stir from the light pressure of his lips on her hair. Quietly, he slipped out the door and walked to his room.

XXX

Through her three hour shift, there were only about five customers. Amu thought they were alone like her, and just looking for an escape. Taking that into her thoughts, she only spoke to them when she saw they had just come in. If they had an empty cup, she refilled it without any questions. Technically, she was supposed to charge seventy five cents for a refill, but it was Christmas. So she refilled them for free and paid for it herself.

Behind the counter she made some breakfast sandwiches in case any customers wanted any. She doubted it; they were rather absorbed in what they were doing. One blonde girl was reading. A girl with bright-obviously dyed, but pretty on her-red hair was reading on a Kindle Fire, or maybe she was playing a game. A man she guessed was in his forties sat quietly, flipping through papers in his brief case.

It was a peaceful quiet as she dwelled over last night, or early morning. Her bag was tossed on the counter, this time absent of all sharp objects, peroxide to clean wounds, and bandages. She wondered what Ikuto would do when he woke up and saw what she left for him. Amu shrugged, taking a drink of hot chocolate and then slipped on an oven mitten to pull out the hot pan of cookies.

She let the pan sit on a rack on the counter so they could cool.

XXX

Ikuto rolled over groaning. He wasn't ready to wake up yet. His clock on his dresser read four thirty. God, he'd slept for almost twelve hours he realized.

His blue hair fell in front of his face as he looked at his dresser. There was a pile of razors there, much more than she'd thrown off the bridge. "Dear Jesus, does she collect them?" he mumbled. From what Ikuto saw, he guessed there was over twenty. "She must have bought so many to hide in different places." He murmured, sitting on the edge of the bed. Ever since he'd stolen hers, she'd bought extras. He snatched up the note beside them.

Hey, these are all of them. Do what you want with them. Thank you for the penguin and ring. I'm sorry I didn't actually get you anything, so this was the next best thing. I probably won't be back right after work.

Merry Christmas, Ikuto.

Love, Amu.

Ikuto smiled the whole way through, and folded it up and then slid the slip of paper in his wallet.

"So, she gave up her razors?" Utau's voice came from the door, through curved lips. She was wearing a simple red dress for the family celebrations. "Amu told me this morning." She explained. "She showed me her ring too. She was pretty excited. She all but dragged me up the stairs to show me her penguin."

He blushed a little. He really had made her happy, he realized.

"Yeah, she gave them up." His voice was a low murmur.

"You know, I never thought anyone would reach her." She said, closing the door behind her. She sat down on her brother's bed. "I've tried, but I could never get through the walls she surrounds herself with." He smirked a little. "You've helped her, but don't get cocky. That doesn't mean she's okay yet." He nodded. "She's got a long way to go, but I need to tell you something."

Her voice had suddenly turned grave and it sent chills down his spine. "What is it?" he asked.

"After Amu left for work, Mom told me something. The police that have started a new investigation on the attack on her, and the murder of her friends stopped by the house. Apparently the men that did it are looking for Amu now because she got away."

"What?" he yelled, jumping to his feet.

"Calm down, they don't 'know where she is. Amu isn't supposed to go the cemetery or the memorial." He nodded, feeling his heart sink. The sympathy for Amu was in both of their eyes. "Don't tell her though." He nodded again. "Don't worry, she's okay."

"Alright."

I seriously promise next chapter will be a long one, as long as I can make it. Drama and everything. I'll write in free time at school and at home. It's just hard to balance it all. I'm sorry for venting.

I can't wait to read your reviews, even if I don't deserve them sometimes.

-Kelsey.


	12. Chapter 12

**I don't own Shugo Chara!**

The roar of lockers slamming, teenagers yelling and bells ringing enveloped Amu. Nervously, her small hands clutched the strap of her bag. She breathed out sadly. She felt a salty, warm tear slide down her face.

Her locker was trashed, vandalized, defiled, and all around just ruined. Her text books had pages ripped out, the covers torn off. She'd have to pay so much money to replace them. The jacket she had left on the metal hook in her locker was torn to shreds. There were folded slips of paper, most likely slipped through the vents of her locker. What made that lone tear come down though?

You'd think it was because her locker was destroyed. That's not all that was ruined though. The pictures of Amu, Ran, Miki and Suu had been covered in red ink, and coated with hateful words. _I thought I escaped all of this._ Across Amu's smiling face in the picture, it read _killer_. She choked on a sob. Other words said _die; it's your entire fault_.

She dropped to her knees and scanned the slips of paper. They all said the same thing: _I hate you_, but they were all in separate, different handwriting.

She rummaged through her locker again. There had been a notebook in here, full of poems, of words that she used to escape harsh realities. Every word was gone. Amu breathed out violently.

But reality swarmed her. Someone knew about the murders. She remembered from her first day here, the principal said he wouldn't let himself or the staff let the information out. So, it was a student. She let her head fall forward. Her hand reached for her bag, but Amu remembered she didn't have her razors anymore. She couldn't run to them now, she'd had to go to a person instead and that was something she'd never done.

Always doing things on her own. Always taking the bullying without a word. She slipped her phone out of Ikuto's hoodie-she was wearing it again-to check the time. He was still in an early swim practice. She couldn't interrupt that without people getting the completely wrong idea.

As she stood someone ran into her. "Oh God, are you okay? I'm so sorry." A boy caught her arm and tugged her back to her feet before she hit the ground. She recognized him as a boy named Kairi. "Are you alright?" She nodded. "You're Amu, right?"

"Right. Why?"

"I was wondering because Ikuto talks about you a lot."

"Are you headed towards the swim teams' practice by any chance?" She asked. He nodded. "Can you tell Ikuto that I'm leaving? I can't go tell him myself."

'Yeah, but why are you leaving? If you don't mind me asking." He sounded apologetic. Kairi was polite. Amu motioned towards her locker that was still open and trashed. "Who did this?" he asked, and she noticed a slight edge to his voice. She shrugged and grabbed her bag.

"Thanks for giving him the message." She said and rushed out of the school.

XXX

"Ikuto!" Kairi called out as he hoisted himself out of the pool. Kairi realized he had already missed his practice. Their coach was a hard ass and now he'd have to face him. "Amu wanted me to give you a message."

Ikuto dried his face with a towel, and then looked over. "What?" He started to head towards their locker room with Kairi. All the boys were already in there, and listened into the conversation. "Is Amu okay?"

"Aw, Ikuto's worried about his play toy." One boy said. Ikuto had him against the wall with his hand to his throat just seconds after. His eyes widened as he stuttered out an apology.

"She didn't look like she was okay when she left."

"She left? Why did she leave?" He asked, pulling on his black jeans.

"Someone vandalized her locker. I saw it. It looked pretty damn bad."

A few boys were laughing behind him as he slipped his shirt on. "Something funny?" Ikuto growled, seeing fear come into their eyes as they shook their heads. "Did she say where she was going?" He asked, dread blind siding him. Utau's words came back. What if she went to the memorial?

"No, she didn't say."

"I have to go." He shoved past him, picking up his athletics bag. _She just started to push past everything. Why does this have to happen?_ His shoes-that he'd slipped on quickly-were pounding against the tile of the hall as he rushed down them.

"And then she ran out crying." Saaya's voice drifted through the air. Ikuto stopped and turned to see her talking to Tadase. She hadn't noticed the blue haired boy yet. "It worked. She won't show her face here again. I'm so glad you told me what she's been hiding."

Ikuto saw red. He sprung forward, grabbing Tadase's throat and slamming her back against the row of lockers. Saaya's scream pierced the air. Her eyes shot open wide. Ikuto had heard everything and now she as seeing a side of him that she didn't know existed.

He squeezed Tadase's neck harder. "You pathetic son of a bitch." He growled. Tadase's enraged smirk only fueled the fire. "And you," He looked at Saaya. "Are a pathetic excuse for a human."

He wanted to crush Tadase right then and there, but didn't. Amu was off somewhere alone. It would be the memorial, the cemetery, or maybe even somewhere safe, but he didn't know.

_Damn you, Amu._

XXX

**-Kelsey**


	13. Chapter 13

I do not own Shugo Chara!

XXX

Amu felt cold and alone. The streets were empty, each side lined and piled up with snow they had pushed off the streets. Sheets of black ice were under the soles of her winter boots. Once again, she found herself on the bad side of the city. Her head was tucked down, staring at the fuzzy, fluffy winter boots that always kept her legs and feet warm.

Her phone was vibrating non-stop in her pocket, but she chose to ignore it. She shoved her hands in her pockets, listening to the crunch of the snow beneath her and bit her lip hard. She tasted the blood. Ikuto would find her soon enough. There was no way she could evade him for very long, and she knew it, but all be damned, she'd try. He knew where to search. In such a short time of knowing her, he knew her hiding places: the memorial, the cemetery, the bridge.

Too bad she had no idea of what could be, or rather who could be waiting for her at the memorial. Ikuto had known, but had been told to not tell her in fear that she'd run off there.

_How long has it been since I cut?_

The thought blindsides her. She wasn't thinking of cutting at all before that thought. She was doing well, she thought. It really hadn't been very long since the last time she cut herself, and felt the rush she was so hooked on. Maybe three weeks? She wasn't sure. Now she saw how blurry it had been while not cutting every day.

She stops, and thinks for a moment, remembering everything. It was like an addiction, wasn't it? Painfully, Amu squeezes her eyes shut so the tears won't come down. No, she wouldn't cry. She couldn't. She has to stay strong. Whether or not she chose to admit it, relapse was the scariest thing to her right now. So was admitting she had a problem… The thoughts always came after her. What if I go months without cutting, and then relapse?

In an alley to her right, there was a group of teenagers-all boys and girls she'd known in the past. They didn't see her though. They were huddled in a corner, trying to light something. Looking over, she remembered them. They were the group that she played with in elementary school, with Ran, Miki, and Suu. They were the kids that used to be the best and then faltered from life's trials. They turned to drugs by the end of middle school, she remembered.

_Is that what it's like to be addicted? To be dependent on something? Will I be like that with razors if I don't stop?_

She looked away as they turned to see her. Her feet carried her away quickly.

XXX

A sharp and painful gasp left her lips when she looked down to see broken crosses. Colored wood splinters covered the ground. They were snapped into several pieces. Her knees hit the cold concrete that still had red stains. She shuddered in horror and lifted her open palm to her open mouth. Breathes were coming out so much sharper now. Her eyes began to water and mist over in a film of tears.

"This can't be happening." Her voice was so soft, and in agony. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly.

A memory cracked into her eyes like a whip. Blood. Red spreading over such an innocent ivory. Her shoulders began to shake while her fingers stretched outward to touch a broken cross. Her pinky touched a red stain. Suddenly it felt as if it were that night again.

Screaming. There was a silver flash of a knife, and them telling her to run, run as fast as she could.

Amu was too lost in the memory to hear the footsteps behind her. It wasn't until calloused fingers dug into her hair, did she hear them. Full of fear, her instinct was to turn around. Before she saw his face, she felt her body be slammed into the brick wall of the alley.

Silently, she prayed for anyone to walk by and help. For that moment, she forgot that she was supposed to believe she deserved punishment for surviving. Inside, she's known she doesn't deserve the pain for being a survivor.

Her thoughts are scattered; her arms are scarred. The brick wall meeting her face, a sharp blade poking her side, and the fingers in her hair were the only things she felt. "Can't run this time." The man's voice at her ear made her shoulders tense up. She knew this voice and the last time she heard it, it was screaming at her as she ran through icy streets.

They were nameless to her, and faceless. All too well the memory that she doesn't know their faces slaps her in the face. At the right side of her face there's a silver flash of a knife resting against her cheek, like a predator lying in wait. Angry that she wasn't squirming to escape, the bulkiest man throws her down into the alley way.

His foot slams down on her back, crushing her petite frame. Her breasts are pressed against the ground and the concrete is cold.

There are moments where your body and mind act out of instinct. Those are the moments where your body takes a fight or flight instinct that has been reserved for life's most crucial moments. Well, this is that moment.

Her elbow slammed back into his nose, crunching it audibly. "Fuck," came a groan. Amu knew there wasn't just one, and she knew she couldn't fight them all off.

She'd forgotten to believe she deserved this. She forgot to believe everything was her fault, as she fought to live. Deep down, she'd always known.

She raised her head up, against the pressure of a man's hand on the back of her head. The alley was dirty like most of the alleys in the city, so it was littered with trash, and beer bottles. Snaking her arm out from under her, she reached the cold glass neck of the bottle. Flinging her fingers out, and finding her grip, she wrapped her fingers around the neck. For a few moments, she let her body fall limp to let them believe she'd given up.

When he got up she rolled over, and slammed the bottle across his face, hearing it shatter. The glass came down like rain to the ground.

"Bitch," He growled, and grabbed her throat. A gasp slipped past her lips as he squeezed tighter. "You can't run now, can you? Your friends can't protect you."

_My fault. My fault. I ran away and left them. These three killed them._

Her eyes closed slowly as he squeezed harder. It was so hard to breathe.

XXX

Ikuto was on foot, with Kukai behind him. They were sprinting down the sidewalk. Moments ago, Amu's scream had filled the neighborhood. The police were coming, and sirens were now blaring. "I hope the sirens scare them away from her," Kukai said. Ikuto's only response was to nod and press himself harder to get faster.

The memorial was five streets away now. A group of teenagers-high, probably skipping school-were in the middle of the sidewalk when the rounded a corner. The blue haired boy really didn't care if they got out of the way or not. _Either get out of my way, or I'll take you out of my way._

They didn't move for them. In fact, they stood in the way staring at them, daring Ikuto and Kukai to shove them. Ikuto's converse-he'd been around Amu too much-hit the concrete one last time before he shoved one of those boys out of his way. Kukai barreled between two of the girls standing there blankly.

Another scream pierced the air. "Amu," Ikuto voice came out as a quick grasp.

XXX

_Run, fucking run. Drop your pride this time. You're not leaving anyone behind this time._

Before her life crumbled last December, she'd run cross country and track her entire life. She was a runner and had been the best on her team. Her body hit the concrete and she landed her on her knees, but her hands caught her as she fell forward. She lunged up into a spring, circling the corner, and looked over her shoulder. They were running after her.

She'd out run them. Her breath was coming out hard and painful. It's been too long since she last ran. Even when the sirens pierced the air she kept running despite the pain in her side. She was sure there was a broken rib.

The men-she was tired of calling them that, but she didn't know their names-ran the other way when they heard sirens. She watched them escape.

Amu was ready to collapse from pain.

XXX

They found her collapsed on the sidewalk. While the police combed the alley and surrounding area for clues and the men, the paramedics loaded her onto a stretcher. Her face was bleeding from little cuts. There were little slashes across her hands, defense wounds most likely.

"Can you pick up Utau and meet us at the hospital? They're about to take Amu." Ikuto said into his cell phone.

"Yes, we'll be there soon. What hospital are they taking her to?" Souko asked.

"It's the one by Dad's music studio."

The jingling of keys was heard distinctly in the background. "Alright, I'll see you there. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom." He slid his phone back into his pocket. "Kukai, it's okay." He said, as Kukai angrily shoved his phone back into his pocket. "What's wrong?"

"My parents gave permission to release Amu's name and the entire story on the news."

Ikuto's eyes widened. "That will kill her on the inside." He said slowly.

"I know." He replied grimly.

And by the end of the night, the story had been released.

**.**


	14. Chapter 14

**H**ey, look at me, brand new chapter again! Enjoy guys! Kind of short, but it's working for me. (:

I don't own Shugo Chara!

When she woke up, she saw the florescent lights and everything hit her just as hard as the last time she woke up in a hospital. Her eyes were just narrow slits right now-she didn't want anyone in the room to realize she was awake just yet-as she stared up. Her arms were arranged carefully at her sides, so the I.V wouldn't get pulled by the sheets. The familiar sound of the heart rate monitor surrounded her.

If it had been two months ago, she'd be begging for herself to flat line. She didn't want that now, as if that wasn't already obvious with the way she fought to live.

The last time she woke up here, she'd attempted to kill herself. Ikuto had saved her, and that was when this all began. Tadase had cheated on her, with a girl that was nameless, faceless. The killers too were nameless, faceless. Amu was always thinking, and sometimes she wished she could just shut off her brain.

But hey, if you're alive, you're thinking.

That's part of why death would be easy. Two months ago, she didn't want to live, or laugh, or love. She wanted to escape the anxiety, grief, thoughts, and guilt.

Everyone she used to know told her she was guilty, or gave her those looks that told her they were thinking it. She kept thinking of those words and her mind came to believe it.

Amu has changed so much, and not for the better. _I miss how I was before. I didn't let anything bring me down…_

"Ikuto?" she sat up, and looked over as his eyes widened as he took in the fiery look in her eyes.

"Yes?"

She looked at him, with mixed emotions. "I'm sorry for everything." He was stunned easily.

"You didn't do anything. They attacked you, you didn't-"

"I'm not talking about that. I mean, what I mean is…" she searched her head for the words she needed. This was harder than she'd thought. Hell, she hadn't even thought about it to be honest. Her words tumbled out on impulse. "I mean I'm sorry for jumping off the bridge. I'm sorry for cutting." There was something else though, and her pride was almost holding her back from saying it.

His elbows were leaning on the hospital mattress as he leaned forward. His eyes were so close to hers as she stared into them. "What is it?"

"What I'm trying to say is-"

The hospital door slammed open and Utau rushed in, oblivious to Amu's stare of death. Her eyes softened though when Utau's arms came around her, with her head on Amu's shoulder. She was crying faintly. "Don't ever scare me like that again."

"It's not like I meant to get attacked."

"Shut up and hug me."

Amu's loud laughter rang out and she gave Utau her hug. The news over her head thought caught Amu's eye. Her arms went limp as she listened.

"Over a year ago, three girls were murdered by unknown suspects, the police told us a year ago. New reports have come in that there was a fourth girl who escaped."

"No," Amu whispered.

"Today, the girl, Hinamori Amu-" Amu screamed when her picture came onto the screen. Ikuto looked on in despair. "Was attacked by these men and is now in the Regional Hospital. She suffered from a concussion, broken ribs, and a few knife wounds her mother tells us." Her hands clenched the sheets. "The police have no leads about who these men are, but they know one them may have suffered a cut across his face."

Amu remembered waking up right before the put her in the hospital bed, and telling the police her recount of the events.

"Hinamori Amu broke an empty beer bottle across his face in order to get away for her life."

She scrambled for the remote and changed her channel, but it was another news channel. This time though, they were talking about something else. "At the end of November, she tried to kill herself." The news anchor reported as her picture popped up on the screen.

XXX

She went to school the next day. The doctors said she shouldn't. Souko said she could stay home for a week or even two if she wanted to. Utau said they could miss and do something for fun. Kukai said he'd bring her homework to her. Ikuto said he'd stay home too if she wanted. Even Yoru, the kitten, clung to her leg with wide eyes, as if he too were begging her to stay.

"I'm going to school." Her tone left no room for argument. She flipped her messenger bag open. The light shined off of her ring that she got from Ikuto. "Here," She tossed an unopened package of utility razor blades onto the counter. Then she tossed the bandages and peroxide she used to clean and hide her cuts onto the counter. "Take them because I don't need them anymore."

She was looking away from them so she didn't see the awe on their faces. "Let's go."

Ikuto stared at her thinking. There was something different about her now, and he liked it. It was like he was really seeing her for the first time. Her face was the same, but those eyes. There wasn't a trace of fear in them anymore. Her head wasn't hidden behind her pink hair.

_Believe me, Ikuto, it's not like I want to go. I have to. I don't want to be afraid anymore. _

"You know there will be reporters." Aruto said quietly. She nodded, unable to speak past the knot in her throat. "You can come home any time." She nodded again.

Ikuto came to her side, and grasped her hand tightly. She pulled him forward and out the front door. Reporters were outside waiting, wanting a statement.

More than anything, she wanted to draw back and become a recluse in her own room. That's what she's been doing, running and hiding from things she didn't want to face. How do you live a life like that? Was she supposed to shrink back in fear forever? Looking out right now, and squeezing Ikuto's hand like a lifeline, she knew inside all she wanted was things a normal girl wants: to be liked, accepted, to fall in love maybe, to have her friends, and to be happy.

She had a choice to be happy, and she was going to make that choice. Even a journey that takes a thousand miles begins with single step.

Ikuto and Utau stared at her from both sides openly. She wasn't putting up an act, or wearing a mask. Sorrow reflected into the lens of every snapping camera. Do you know how you see your reflection in the water? Have you ever disturbed the water and you couldn't see your face anymore? That's how the mask was.

_I'll let them see my real reflection. _

XXX

By the time they walked into the school her legs were threatening to give out. She had tried to laugh and smile at one of Ikuto's jokes only to hear "How can she be laughing? She killed her friends."

It stunned her so badly that she froze. Turning, she saw Saaya, who had said it. Rima was at her side. "Saaya, that was too far…"

"Remind me to blame you every goddamn thing when a tragedy happens to you, you little bitch." Amu hissed. Her eyes widened.

"Are you holding his hand?"

"Yeah, I am." She stepped forward, angling her body to make her seem more imposing. It worked. "Got a problem with it?"

"No, but I hope you don't kill him too." Instead of giving her the reaction she wanted, Amu turned away. "Running away like that night?"

Amu turned and smirked, squeezing his hand for strength so she wouldn't throw up from nerves. "No, I just don't waste my time on trash."

Saaya's shriek was heard as she walked away. "You okay?" Ikuto said lowly, as people stared at Amu. She nodded briskly and the kept pushing past the crowd.

Rumors spread fast at Seiyo High School, especially when Saaya and her minions were behind it. Her first class wasn't full of the open conversations she feared, but full of looks of fear.

XXX

"I guess Ikuto should have let her drown. She should die if she killed them, right?"

It was one of the many things Ikuto heard during lunch, except this was from one of his teammates. "What the fuck did you just say? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you." Ikuto pinned him up against the wall by his throat. "Mind your own damn business. If you had any kind of brain at all, you'd know she didn't kill anyone."

Amu didn't come to the cafeteria for lunch that day. She hid on top of the roof, shying away from all the intrusive, accusing eyes and cameras. The principal was quickly doing damage control, and suspending people he even heard say an ill word towards her.

"Hey," Ikuto sat beside her against the wall. "Hiding, I see. Well, nothing wrong with that. You were brave enough to come today."

"I'm choosing to be happy and to stop running. Trust me, I'd love to be hiding, or slitting my arms open, but I told you I'd try."

"Day by day, right?"

"Day by day. So, you look like something is on your mind."

"Yeah, a certain pinkette. What are you thinking about?"

"That I'm a total failure. I failed my parents as a daughter, Ami as a sister. I'm one terrible friend. The guilt was crushing me. It feels like it was my fault."

"It wasn't."

"You don't know that they don't blame me."

"The hell I don't, the only people who blame you are your parents and that's because the dumb fucks, so don't listen to them. Obviously, they have no idea what they're talking about."

"How would you know I didn't kill them?" She asked blankly.

He smirked a little this time as he back fired a response. "Amu, I feel like if you were mad enough to kill someone, you'd probably do it in a more painful way."

"I'm not sure if I should take that a compliment or insult." She smiled though.

"Take it as a compliment. If we get into argument over it, it'll be like an argument over whether I called you fat or not."

"If I say you called me fat, I'm right."

"And I'd go with it, because although you're tiny, you're terrifying."

He was making her laugh and that was what counted the most to him right now.

"Hey, Amu?"

"Hmm?"

"I like you."

"That's nice, Ikuto. I like you too."

She wasn't paying attention at all obviously. Their banter had let her drift off. He did like her, but that had slipped out to be honest. At least she won't know what I said within minutes.

"Why didn't you give up on me like the others did about my cutting?"

"I didn't give up because I constantly thought about the moment where you let them go. Thinking about it was reward enough for me."

She smiled, and for the first time, she could feel the warmth of the sun.

**First off, no, it's not about to be all rain bows, far from it. Relapse happens. Anyways, review if you enjoyed. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Amu's point of view here, like first person. I had to do it like this. This is a new chapter that literally popped out of no where. Enjoy. Review if you wish. Love you all. Happy Halloween and such. **

**I don't own Shugo Chara! **

I look back on that night every day. It's not like I've forgotten that terrible night that has stained a part of my life red. I'm always going to wonder why it had to be them, or why we had to sneak out that night. I'll always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't said that we should go down the alley to stay out of sight.

So, it's hard enough remembering, and reliving that terrible, and bloody night every day without reporters trying to get new information. Walking into school, and holding my head high is the hardest thing right now. Well, it's one of them. I want to give up, and commit suicide, but there's a new glimmer of hope now.

That night I lost more than the girls I'd grown up with. I lost everything, and myself. I know how sad and depressing this sounds, but I have to say it now. I know if I'm going to say it to anyone, I'd say it to Ikuto. And that's why he's here in my room right now.

I take a breath, and try to stop saying I over and over again. It bugs me.

"That night, I lost more than my best friends." I bring my knees up to my chest and look at him with the sorrow I've let build up. It looks like the wind has been knocked out of him completely. "My family used to be really close. Every night we'd always have dinner together, and one night a week we'd always do something as a family. I lost my family as well, or at least the pretense we had kept up. I think we were slowly fading apart to begin with. Kukai and I used to be joined at the hip and right before they died, I wasn't interested in family."

Ikuto nods, staring at me deeply. I know how random this must sound suddenly spilling out.

"I don't want to sound selfish for complaining over what I've lost. I never wanted to go to a counselor because what right do I have to complain? I'm alive."

"Amu…you watched them die… You had every right to speak out.."

"Just listen, because if I don't say all of this now, I probably never will. After the murder, the divide between me and my family was too far to cross. My parents didn't want me to be around and I knew it. Slowly over the past year, I tried to disappear into a corner and pretend I wasn't there. My Mom was very…physical when I made her angry. And I remember feeling like she wanted me to die as well, or that she hated me. Every time I got that feeling, I would cut myself. I lost everything. The world felt so desolate and I wasn't really sure how I should keep going on."

My voice was starting to crack and I wanted to stop talking. I didn't want to use my voice anymore. I've always scratched my anger out on my skin, or scribbled hate filled words onto paper.

"It didn't feel right, and still doesn't, for me to be happy or smile while my friends have been buried. Every time I smiled, I thought of Ran's bright smile lighting up her face. Each time I laughed, I heard Miki's sarcastic comebacks. All I could think about was memories. Every place I looked, I'd see their faces."

I felt him grip my hand tightly and I looked down to see my ring from him. A tear slipped from my eye.

"After the funeral, that was the first time I cut myself. My parents were downstairs avoiding me like the plague and Ami and Kukai were with friends of the girls, just trying to help. I locked myself in my room and just sat there in the floor for hours thinking. I don't know when I started feeling depressed. It started before that night, because my parents and I would fight."

Softly, he stroked my hand to calm my nerves.

"We moved, and no one knew who I was. I'm sure they'd heard the story, but they didn't know my name. I tried my best to draw back into seclusion, and endure the guilt. Every day, I'd cut myself. It started with a few scratches and it escalated so quickly." I was starting to cry harder. I hiccupped and carried on. "Utau was my first friend when I came here. I wish I was able to tell her everything I've felt, but I haven't found the words. And Tadase…." I trailed off. "He made things worse again. I didn't exactly trust him from the start. There was always little things, like him ignoring me. That started as a little thing, but became a big thing."

"Did he know you were cutting?" Ikuto's voice broke the silence from my pause. I nodded. "Why didn't he tell someone?"

"I remember he said it wasn't that important to talk about."

"Fucking idiot. Go ahead," He settled back into his spot and looked at me in the eyes.

Nodding, I carried on. "My thoughts are still scrambled. These things don't come out in the order they're supposed to." My bangs fell over my eyes as I tugged my sleeves down nervously. Did I sound like an idiot? "I felt really alone, and like the world was caving in. I felt so much guilt and I think a part of me will always think that, just like some people will always blame me a little. It was a horrific tragedy, and not a day goes by that I don't think what if I hadn't run away. It was like I didn't feel the warmth of the sun the whole year. I felt cold and bitter. I hated everyone except Ami and Kukai until I met Utau."

"What happened that night when you decided to jump off of a bridge?"

"My parents and I had a fight. It was a normal thing by then. But this one was different. It was obvious how they didn't want me to be there anymore. My Mom had called me downstairs in a rage. I figured it was just her making me the scapegoat for everything. It wasn't that. She'd found my razor blades in my room. And everything went to hell."

XXX

_I stumbled down the stairs, with my fingers wrapped around my wrist. I'd cut a little deeper than usual this time, and I had to keep pressure on it. Maybe it was because I'd used Kukai's pocket knife instead of my usual razor blade. They were missing, and I was about to tear my hair out if I couldn't find them and get my release. Sadly, that's how I think nowadays._

_My brother and sister weren't home. I was staying home being a depressed little girl. So I knew that my Mom wasn't going to make my mood any better. "Yeah?" I said, coming into the kitchen. Then I froze as my eyes grew wide. All of my razor blades were spilled onto the kitchen island, some stained with blood, and some still clean and unused. _

"_Can you explain this?" Mom spat out. Judging from the clock behind her, my dad was going to be home any minute. I opened my mouth only to be cut off. "Haven't you done enough to this family already? Now you do this. Didn't you think for once what this would do to what people think of us?"_

_All she's ever cared about was reflections, how we looked in the mirror. We had to be picture perfect. I'd already put a crack in our reflection. A tear slid down slowly. What right did I have to cry? I deserved this. _

"_I'm ashamed to have you as my daughter." It was another slap to the face. _

"_I'm ashamed to have you as a mom." The words came out before I could stop them. Then again, I probably wouldn't have stopped them anyways. "You care about images, not your family and how they really feel."_

"_I don't care about you after what you've done."_

"_What? Would you be happier if I had died that night too?"_

"_I'd be happier if I only had one daughter." _

_I flinched back, and then turned away. It was the last time I ever set foot in my home. _

XXX

"She doesn't even deserve to have you as a daughter. You're too good for her…" Ikuto trailed off. "What is it?"

"Do you remember when I said I'd never tell you thank you for saving me?" He nodded. "Well, I am." The smile that lit up his face made my day brighter.

"Do you trust me?" He asked seriously.

"I do completely now. And there's one more thing. I'm ready to just be happy again even though I know it will be hard."

"I'll be here every step of the way."

I was counting on it.

**Sorry for it being short and for it being first person point of view. **


	16. Chapter 16

**I don't own Shugo Chara. **

I'm not the easiest person to understand, or deal with, especially now. My classmates, as well as the faculty want to know what happened. Hell, even I want to say what happened, just to get it off my chest, just one time.

I'm not that kind of person though. I won't, and I can't just go around blabbing about this. It's still an investigation and I won't tarnish my friends' memories by telling everyone.

XXX

It's been two months now since Amu was attacked, and since she made the decision to come back to school. That makes it two months since the locker got vandalized and Saaya had a damn field day with her business.

"Goddammit, Utau, stop that!"

Just like the last time she let her best friend come to work with her, she was spraying thing with the nozzle from the soda machine. Groaning, the pink haired girl buried her head in her hands. Yaya wasn't working tonight and her boss was attending his daughter's wedding. So, that left her alone with her psycho of a best friend, her little sister who was kicked back in a booth reading a Cosmopolitan. What thirteen year old needs to read that again?

None the less, she was happier than she was in November.

"DAMMIT, UTAU!"

…Or she was happier.

"Amu!" She looked up to the ringing door to see Ikuto-her heart sped up a little and her face brightened-, her brother Kukai, and Kairi. Okay, it's just those three. No problem, she thought. Until a little black figure jumped onto the counter, bouncing onto her shoulder while purring.

Because, you know, work while having a friendly gathering isn't complete without a fluffy and mischievous kitten. Of course not, that would be too easy.

"Demon cat," Utau muttered, spraying it with water.

"Fuck!" Amu shrieked when her arms got clawed as Yoru shot across the café, also skidding into chair.

"He's as clumsy as you." Kukai said smiling. "Remember when we went skiing."

Her eyes narrowed. "Shut the hell up. I'm lucky I'm a girl, or I wouldn't be having children." Kairi gave her a look. "Skiing plus tree plus legs going apart and being unable to stop." He flinched at the thought. "Yeah."

Kairi stared at her as she went to pick Yoru up. She was so much different than he had expected. Her scars on her arms stood out, but that wasn't what had his attention. It was her eyes, and laugh. They seemed happy, despite the hell he knows she's had at school.

There was something else though. She looked so much stronger.

_XXX_

_Two months ago. _

_Kairi was really just a bystander in all the drama circling Ikuto and Amu. But Ikuto was his best friend, and Amu truly was an amazing person who'd won him over as a friend as well. But one day, Ikuto wasn't at school. The swim team had a meet and wouldn't be back until the very last class. _

_Amu was alone while she stood in line at the vending machines to get her food that she would take to the roof. Saaya and Tadase were sitting at a table a few feet away with a few boys, Rima and Kairi. One ear bud was nestled in Amu's ear. _

_Apparently that says she can't hear you talk about her. Amu twirled the ring she'd received from Ikuto nervously as Saaya's voice reached her. _

"_Do you think Amu will be tried, or anything?" Kairi's jaw dropped at Saaya's words. If she weren't a girl, he'd knock the shit out of her. "Didn't you say her finger prints were on the knife too?, Tadase?" _

_Amu's jaw clenched. Don't freak out, don't freak out, but this time her chant might not stop her. _

"_Yeah," Tadase replied, while chewing on her food. _

"_Then doesn't that point to her stabbing them?"_

_Before Tadase could reply, she ripped her ear buds out and shoved both the ear buds and money into her pockets. She stormed over to the red haired girl. "What the hell are you-"_

_Amu slammed her into the dry wall, cracking it, by the throat. "Shut your fucking mouth, whore. You wanna know why my finger prints are there? Because I tried to kill myself in grief. Because you know, my best friends gave up their lives to save mine!"_

_Kairi stared at her, seeing her fist clench and unclench repeatedly. Why was she hesitating to hit her?_

"_You need to learn to shut your mouth before I shut it for you!"_

"_Tadase!" her shrill voice irritated Amu more. _

_She slammed her again. "Trust me on something. Saaya, Tadase won't bother stopping me from kicking your ass."_

_Saaya was huffing for air and kicking at Amu's legs. She let her drop, before walking away again. _

_She looked..so strong then, he remembered. Not only because she said something finally even though it was a little raged, but because she walked away too. _

_XXX_

Since then, Amu gained Kairi as a friend, and she enjoyed it when he was around. It was a new feeling…having and making new friends.

Amu hasn't cut herself once in those months. "Don't touch that."

"Amu, make me food." Kukai whined.

"What do you want, darling brother." Her tone was sarcastic.

"Cupcake." His eyes pleaded with her.

"With sprinkles?" She smiled. Her brother was rather childish. He nodded.

XXX AN: There are many page breaks due to writer's block. Now, onto the serious part many of you have waited to patiently for.

Ikuto has been sleeping in my room lately, not that I mind. To be honest, I'm a whole lot more open to cuddling with him than I ever was with Tadase, but he was a prick. I giggled at the thought before looking at him again.

Papers were sprawled and scattered all over her room. Their English teacher had given them their final assignment, which would decide whether they pass or fail.

Their class had to write a speech, preferably very long, about the most important events in their lives. One student would be chosen to give theirs on the last day of school in front of everyone.

"What are you writing your speech over?" He asked quietly, wondering if she'd open up about her past.

"Psh, no idea. It's to be written." She took a drink of her Dr. Pepper, eyeing her notebooks in the corner. How long has it been since she wrote in them? Too long, she thought. There was so much she wanted to scribble down and the majority of those things were about the adorable boy sitting on her floor.

Feelings were confusing her, but that was what she loved the most about being around him.

Ruining her thoughts about him, he spoke. "It's due in three months." He scolded. _Nice move, asshole. I was complimenting you in my head._ She snickered quietly at her inner thoughts.

"I know it is, but I don't have my inspiration yet."

"No inspiration my ass. You're just lazy, Hinamori."

"Bite me," she shot back, standing up and gathering her cup and his to go refill. He stood as well, towering over her. Ikuto grinned, and it faltered when she smirked that same infuriating smirk she knew he hated.

Of course he knew if he bit her, he would be answering to a fist. As it turns out, she really can stand up for herself, very effectively.

She stopped talking though while his gaze intensified. Amu blinked, not knowing what to say. He leaned down though. Her eyes grew wide.

_He's going to kiss me?_

Anticipation welled up inside her. If this had been the Amu from a few months ago, she would be having a nervous break down at just the thought of being kissed. But now, it felt like an eternity to wait for him to close the distance.

That's why she lifted her small hands and tugged on his shirt. She pulled him down and felt a spark light when he finally kissed her. It was smooth and gentle. It was the kind of kiss she'd wanted and needed.

His arms wrapped around her and pulled her tighter. Their lips slid against each other and she swore she could feel his smile.

XXX

**It's so short. This makes me sad/mad. *Angry face* I feel terrible… I neglected you guys. I forgot how distracting high school is. **

**Please leave ideas, if just that, okay? I really do need them. It turns out this may be a longer story than I had planned, but that's not a bad thing, right? Anyways, review if you'd like. **

**To anyone who cares, I'm making a new fanfiction. It's Bleach though. If that's not your thing, that's cool too. So…if you'd like to leave me love story ideas for Ichigo and Rukia…that's great too. (: **

**I'll try harder guys. I know this wasn't my best. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey guys. So, I've been looking at the stats for this story. I feel so loved with all your reviews and such. When and if (I don't want to sound cocky) I get three hundred reviews, there shall be a prize, if you like anyways. It sounds fun. So, if you're the 300****th**** reviewer, you can give me something to write. It just sounds funs, anyways, here's Relflections. **

**I don't own Shugo Chara. **

**XXX**

Amu looked over at Ikuto. It was silent on the roof where they were having their lunch. "Hey, are you okay?" She took a bite out of her sandwich after asking the question. He shrugged. "You look angry."

"You look beautiful." He said. She blushed and smiled.

"Nice try. Now why are you angry?" He groaned and leaned his head back against the wall. "Did I do something?" He shook his head, easing her fears.

"Earlier today, I heard Tadase talking about you in the locker room. I don't know what he said, but I heard your name. There was this creepy look in his eyes though."

Amu shrugged. "Don't pay attention to him, alright? It's no big deal." She took another bite, chewed and swallowed. "Kukai and Utau graduate soon." She mumbled. She was going to be losing two people for her last year of high school. It wasn't something she wanted.

"I know. In two months they'll be heading off to college." She looked down at his words.

"I won't be able to run to Utau anymore." She mumbled.

"You can always run to me." He offered and of course he meant it.

"I can't harass you all the time because of my issues." She said, shaking her head. "You've already done so much."

"Amu, I'd do it all again, so don't say that. Always come to me if there's a problem." She shrugged in response. "Have the police found anything yet?" It was a casual question. A lot of people asked her that now, but she still put her head down.

"No, and I don't think they will unless they see me again." Ikuto immediately saw where she was going with this. "Don't give me that look, okay. You know as well as me that it could work."

He sputtered in disbelief and gripped her shoulders. "Amu! This isn't some T.V show where they use the victim as bait!" Ikuto shook her for good measure.

"Yeah," Amu bit her lip and looked at the concrete. It was like the police officers working this case would ever let her do it anyways. "Ikuto, I'm worried that they're going to find other people close to me and hurt them." Amu looked up at him, almost tears blurring her vision.

"Don't worry about those things, Amu." Her look was withering. He realized how much she must be freaking out inside, constantly jumping from one terrible situation to the next. Lightly, he kissed her forehead.

XXX

She checked to make sure everything was locked up for the night. "Alright, so that leaves the trash." Hurrying, she rushed to take the trash to the side alley. She still didn't like alleys; they brought unwelcome flashbacks.

Still she was cheerful and ready to go home and see Ikuto. What are they? They don't really have a title, but they don't need one. They're in a class of their own. Still, Amu found herself calling him her boyfriend, but she didn't say that out loud around him, because she feared that wasn't the case.

Crushes are so complicated. She hummed while dragging the two trash bags out. They were really heavy Amu noticed as she struggled to pull them out.

That was when she saw movement. "Who's there?" Her voice was shaky. _I sound like an idiot. If someone's there they're not going to be like hey can I have a sandwich? _ Suddenly she wished she'd taken Ikuto's offer of coming to work with her. She was too stubborn though and refused.

When she saw a flash of silver her blood ran cold. Later she would look back on this and realize she should have run to the grocery store across the street to escape, but her thoughts were shot then. She raced into the café.

Amu stumbled back into the kitchen, snatching a knife off the rack. _What the hell am I supposed to do with this?_ Her fingers danced over the phone's key pad on the wall. There was no way she could talk though. The dial tone seemed to echo in the room. _The police can figure out where I am from my call, right?_

She hoped so, because if they couldn't she was in trouble. Huddling into a corner, she hid in the darkness, hearing the 911 operator in the blackness. Amu wanted to speak out more than anything, but she knew already if she opened her mouth she'd scream.

The lights flickered on and she looked down at the knife she'd grabbed.

_Leave it to me to grab the biggest knife._

It looked terrifying to her, and it was heavy in her hand. It was such a foreign feeling.

"She didn't go out the front. The doors are still locked." The familiar voice almost made her shriek. She noticed the phone no longer made any noise. She prayed police had been dispatched and they were recording the call.

"She didn't go through any of the other doors either." Another voice, rough and husky made her dizzy. "She's still here and she's not out in front."

"I checked the office. She's not there."

"She's not under the desk?" The first man asked.

"No," He replied, sounding insulted that his little friend thought he'd be so stupid to check something so simple.

"Then that leaves here," Amu could almost taste blood from biting her lip to stay silent. _What am I going to do? I barely got away twice. How can I possibly fight back? I'm not strong enough._

She saw feet shuffle toward where she was hiding. Amu was wedged in between the oven and the dish washer, still unseen luckily. That wouldn't last long though and she knew it. Her hands were going to have blisters from clutching the hilt of the knife so hard.

She prayed silently. _Please let the police get here. Please let me go home to Ikuto and my new family. Please let me live. _

…_.I want to live. _

The last thought was what made her decision to fight for her life. The knife in her hands was the last thing she wanted to use. Her friends had been stabbed to death by the men in this room and her stomach bared a wicked scar from one of their knives.

Anyone would want revenge. Amu could almost taste it, but she thought of Suu, and her sisters. Suu was too sweet and she knew her friend would never want her to attack someone with ill intentions because of them. Amu knew it would add blood smears to their memory. She'd do what they would have wanted. She wasn't going to let her rage take control. Amu has always had a bad temper. She wouldn't fight back for revenge.

_My friends died for me to live, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. _

XXX

Ikuto opened the door to find flashing lights of police cars and a detective on the door step. "What happened?" he said, already losing his breath. Surely Amu couldn't be… He refused to even think the word. Dammit, he should have gone to work with her tonight, even I she said no. She said she was a big girl.

"Does Hinamori Amu work in a café three blocks from here?" His voice was brisk and to the point, but anyone could see the fear on his face. Ikuto nodded. "Come with us. We received a nine-one-one call from that café and heard talking about killing."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be there?" Ikuto yelled hysterically, his family coming up behind him in the doorway.

The detective expected the question to be shot off. "A unit is already there. We came to tell your family. Please come with us."

XXX

Amu shot out of the space, not wanting to be cornered when they did step in front of her. That would only make things that much worse. "Get back here." A brisk voice echoed behind her and a hand latched onto her shirt.

Quickly, and without any hesitation, Amu spun around and let the knife glide through the air. She knew the blade had sliced the man's chest at least a little. _Be careful, don't hit vital spots. _

Now she wished she'd paid more attention in her anatomy class two years ago, because honestly she didn't know many vital spots. She knew the one of the legs had an artery in it that she should definitely avoid and the chest.

She shook her head, and almost threw out the idea of holding back and being defensive. It'd be so easy to spring forward and start slicing.

She couldn't do it; she'd feel so inhuman.

The main one kept coming towards her, swinging his knife. The few times their knives scraped together she grimaced. Just the sound of the grating made her want to throw up. He cut her a few times without mercy. A small slash on her cheek trickled blood.

Then Amu stumbled backwards and hit the floor. The knife slipped from her hands and was almost out of her reach. When the man came down, hand poised to stab her, she snatched it up and he didn't notice it was there until it had pierced his skin. He still tried though to give a finishing blow.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. _

She pushed the knife in to stop him.

"The police are here! We have to get out of here!" One of his friends yelled.

She laid there in shock of what had happened as they escaped. Several tears slid down. Amu couldn't believe this. This was the third time she'd escaped death. She began to sob, and she thought about those girls that gave everything for her.

They were the best friends she'd ever have. Some friends may say they'd die to save you, but some that say that don't mean it. They'd back out at the last minute. _I was so blessed in meeting them, in knowing them. _

She finally remembered the ending of that night, right before she drove that knife into her stomach. Miki had told her the last words she could before she died. It was so clear in her head now. How could she have forgotten? Had she really blocked those events so well that part of it was erased from her?

She'd only remembered the bad parts, her guilt. Not once did she remember Miki's last words. If she had, she probably could have held herself together better. It's better late than never and now those words echoed in her ears.

"_We love you. Don't you dare blame yourself. It's not your fault. I want one thing, and I want you…" She began to fade away, but Amu clung to them, huddled in red snow. "I want you to live."_

XXX

She was beginning to be on a first name basis with the hospital staff. She giggled at Ikuto, who had used his unmistakable charm to sneak Yoru into her hospital room. When Amu had first woke up, she was hysterical, begging the police officers for forgiveness. She sobbed and said she was sorry for stabbing him in the stomach.

She wasn't in trouble, and Ikuto wondered she'd ever thought she would be. They were trying to kill her, so it's self-defense.

Then she realized something again. "Wait," The police paused in the door way. "That wound from where I stabbed him has to be severe." She said. "Wouldn't he have to check into a hospital for help for that kind of wound?"

The light bulbs went off over their head. The grins on their faces were plain as day.

"So, couldn't you find him like that?" She asked hopeful.

"You bet your ass we can. I don't think that there's going to be many people with that kind of wound right now, and we have DNA samples from the blood left at the scene." He paused. "That means we will test him as soon as we know where this man is."

They swept out of the room, already rushing to make calls.

"Hey," Ikuto said smoothly. She looked up. "Don't scare me like that again and from now on, I'll be there with you." She smiled.

It kind of warmed Amu's heart how worried he'd been. Not because he'd been so worried, but because she saw how much he cared for her then.

"Hey, come here." She motioned with her finger and hugged him tight. He rested his chin on top of her head and kissed it. Amu looked up and saw him leaning in. She grinned and pressed her lips to his softly.

His kissing her made her lightheaded and when he started to kiss her deeper and with more passion, the heart monitor beeped quickly as her heart rate sped up. She flushed red when she heard Souko, Kukai, Utau and the doctor laughing loudly.

_Only me_, she thought. Amu looked off to the side at the mirror in the room.

It wasn't her best angle, her hair was a mess and her face was red from embarrassment, but she saw herself. I mean she really saw who she was. Amu spent so many times hating reflections, but now hers was clear and true.

Everyone in the room was thinking the same thing, _she's never looked more alive. _

**Eh? Personally, I really liked this chapter. It was the first one I felt like I did really well in for a while. So, it's not ending in a few chapters, but probably in like ten. What did you think? I hope you really liked it, because I did. Thank you for reading.(: **

**-Kelsey. **


	18. Chapter 18

**XXX**

"Maybe you should wait just one more day, Amu. It won't hurt to miss one more day, right? You're still-" Amu cut her boyfriend off with a glare. He sweat dropped and sighed. She was too stubborn for her own good.

"You convinced Souko to keep me home for three extra days already! If you make me stay here by myself again I'll break that lamp over your head!" In case you weren't already aware of this, Amu has a temper. The lamp would also hurt less than her hand. He sighed and put his hands up in mock surrender.

Over the course of the week in the hospital and her three extra days at home, she'd only grown more irritated. How long did it take to find someone who had suffered a stab wound like that? She felt a little guilty for getting impatient with the police, but her anxiety teetered on the edge of giving her a full scale anxiety attack.

She was constantly looking over her shoulder, and had taken to carrying a small knife and pepper spray in her eyes. Her brother had been the one to make the joke she'd probably spray herself in the eyes instead of her assailant.

"Hey, calm down," Ikuto noticed the change in her breathing. After seeing her hyperventilate in the hospital when she let her thoughts get to her, he really thought she was going to freak out. She nearly had an anxiety attack when she kept thinking of the possibility of them not catching them. "Everything will be fine, okay? Just wait. Patience is a virtue."

"That's a virtue I don't have." She quipped snarkily. He shook his head in amusement.

XXX

She felt awkward while everyone stared at her. Ikuto had gone to an early morning swim practice, so she'd manage on her own. As far as she could tell though, no one was about to try and make a snide remark to her. A sigh of relief escaped her as she opened her locker. Memories of her locker when it was vandalized came back to her. She squeezed her eyes shut to keep the tears away. She was going to be strong now, but even the strong have weak points.

It'd be a long time before she didn't think of the things that have happened to her.

"Hey." A male voice came from behind her. It was all too familiar. She spun around to see Tadase, he was smirking, and her eyes narrowed. The least she could do was not look like a deer in headlights. "How are you doing?"

"I'm still alive," She replied dryly.

"I can see that. Have they found them yet?" Hell, like you really care.

"No, they're still searching. What do you want, Tadase? Haven't you done enough?" She was waiting for Saaya to pop out and then they would play a cruel prank on her, as always. She wouldn't be so helpless this time though.

"I'm sorry, Amu. I was terrible to you and I'm sorry." He sounded so sincere, and she started to laugh loudly in front of him. "What?" He yelled.

"Tadase, you are such a liar." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know what you're playing at, but your so called apology is bullshit and I'm not interested." She didn't yell so only a few kids walking by heard her. Tadase loves attention though, so if he said something, it'd be something to hurt her, and he'd yell it. "Sorry doesn't fix the fact that you bullied me, and harassed me." She turned back to her locker, wanting to be rid of him.

As soon as she felt a hand on the back of her head and her face pressed up against the cold metal lockers, she snapped. "I felt sorry for you!" He yelled. Surely a crowd had gathered by now. Her fists were clenched so tightly that her nails cut her palms.

It was a blur, but it was a rush. She felt her fist collide with Tadase's mouth and felt his hand trying to sling her around by her hair. It was a few punches and then it was over because someone pushed her out of the way and took over.

"Are you okay?" She looked up to see Utau, and nodded. "You definitely left some bruises on him." Behind them, it was Kukai who was fighting with Tadase. It was more of a one sided fight at that point. He kept hitting.

"Don't fuck with my sister!' The rage Amu saw made her sick inside. She felt as if she'd throw up.

"Break it up now!" The fierce voice of the principal cut through the air. Ikuto was behind him. "Hinamori!" Her head snapped up immediately. "You need to get to the police station now." He turned the glare on her brother. "And you, Kukai, in my office with Tadase. Amu, you can receive punishment when you come back." He turned and took his leave with the two boys.

"Did they..?" She trailed off, staring up at Ikuto. The look on his eyes told her differently. "They didn't find him, did they?"

"Just come with me."

XXX

"What?" Her scream tore through the police department, sending a chill down anyone's spine. "He's dead?" She choked, and feared throwing up. "Is it because I.." If someone died because of the wound she couldn't live with herself, even if he was a killer.

"No, it's not like that at all." The detective sighed heavily. "We suspect it was one of the other men who did it to keep things quiet."

Amu blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. "Did they kill him because they were worried you'd find him if he went to a hospital." That had been how they'd searched for him. Had they already thought of that?

"That's what we believe." She slammed her hand against the table, and the tears came.

"I'm sorry," She was apologizing for breaking down. It wasn't her fault though.

"Amu," Ikuto went to touch her. She smacked his hand away, and shook her head. He backed away.

XXX

She locked herself in her room and lay in the bed.

Downstairs, the family and Kukai were already talking. "Is she going to be alright?" Souko asked. She'd looked half dead when she returned. She indirectly felt responsible for someone's death and now she had the mindset that they would never catch them.

"She's going to be, don't worry. That goes for all of you." Aruto said. "Amu needs to be alone though. She will talk to us when she is ready, but for now, just let her be."

"She almost had an anxiety attack in the car." Utau said. She ended up being fine, but the crying never stopped. Even now, they could hear faint sobs coming from upstairs.

"This can't be happening!" Ikuto slammed his fist down, mirroring her reaction earlier. "We were so close to getting them and now that slipped away! Why does she deserve this!"

"Shut up." Kukai said quietly. "I know how you feel, but screaming isn't going to make it any better. She's going to be fine. Did you forget that she's already been through worse than this? She's hurting, but she's going to be back on her feet again. Don't pity her. That will make her angry. Don't walk on egg shells around her. That will make her angrier. Treat her like normal, because she's going to crave things being normal especially now that everything isn't normal at all." They stared at him, surprised. That was probably the most he'd ever spoken at once. "I know what my sister wants, and what she needs." They nodded sadly.

"She'd just become so happy again though." Ikuto said softly.

"Give her a week and she'll be happy again. My sister is not going to give up. She feels guilty and she's scared. She's never going to admit that out loud, but she's terrified. Amu is stronger than people give her credit for. It's getting late though. I have to get home before ten."

"Goodnight," Utau said and hugged him tightly. "Text me, okay. Love you."

"I love you too and I will."

XXX

It was dead quiet that night in her room. It was just her and her thoughts now. She tried to shove the guilt away, thinking that it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault, but it made her sick still. She prayed to whoever was out there listening that they would find the last two.

And then, an idea formed in her head.

XXX

**Okay, that was depressing, but necessary. I'm sorry! Stick with it! I'll make you happier with the story soon. And I'll write more and update sooner, okay. I'm really sorry for that.**

**-Kelsey.**


	19. Chapter 19

**I get writer's block a lot... Sorry for making you wait. I hope you like it. Also, there's a lot of page breaks because of writer's block. **

**I don't own Shugo Chara. **

XXX

Ikuto's words from the last day on the roof echoed in my head. This wasn't some TV show. It was stupid for me to act as bait for the police. The feeling in my stomach told me that the police weren't going for the idea anyways. The look of Detective Aizawa's face said as much.

He stood across the table from me. He'd stood up in anger as soon I told him my idea. "Absolutely not!"

"It could work! The police could be there hiding." I was hellbent on making this idea work. "You haven't found them yet. The police officers I spoke to told me that there are no leads. There's nothing to go on."

"That doesn't mean we're going to let you waltz into that! It's like suicide!"

"Not if you do your job right." I'd apologize for the jab later. I'd come close to death three times now and I was willing to take the count to four if this could work. "I know that you want to keep me safe." My voice grew softer. "But my friends are dead because of them. I want them going to prison where they can rot. They're out on the street right now, and it makes me sick! I'm scared for myself and I'm scared they'll do this to someone else!"

"We think they have." Detective Aizawa's brother spoke. His brother sent him a glare. "We shouldn't be hiding anything from her with this. She's right, even if it is crazy. As long as we do our job right, she will be fine."

Aizawa slammed his hand down on the table, making me jump. "This isn't a game. How do we know they won't have a gun and shoot her from a distance?"

"We can put snipers on the roofs. We can give Amu a gun as well." A smile came across my face as I saw his look wavering. He looked like he would give in.

"I can't believe you!" He said loudly, looking at me. "You're not going to leave until this can work, are you?" I shook my head. "I'm not going to promise you anything. I will talk to my boss. It's up to him when it comes to anything like this. Does the Tsukiyomi family know what you're trying to do?" I shook my head again.

"I'll tell them if I can do this. I don't want to cause uproar when it may not happen."

"You're sure there's no changing your mind?" I nodded. "Go home for now. I'll call you a week from today to let you know what's happening."

XXX

"It's like she read our minds." Chief Nagasaki said. "We'd already run through this scenario. You shot it down for her safety." He looked towards Aizawa. "Then Amu comes here and tells us to make her bait. She's right. It will work, but it makes me nervous to decide this."

The people in the room stared at him, waiting. "I approve." He said after a long silence. "We'll start on a plan immediately.

XXX

Her punishment from the 'fight' with Tadase was a week of morning detentions. Kukai was suspended for a few days and her parents were in a hate rage over it. She didn't have to ask who they put the blame on.

"Hey," Ikuto leaned up against her locker. "Ready to go to the roof?" He'd already brought her Gardettos. After taking her food and drink from him they headed towards the roof. "What did you talk to the police about a few days ago?"

He'd been waiting for her to mention it. Ikuto was expecting her to be open about it, but she never brought it up. It became clear he wouldn't know unless he brought it up.

"Nothing important." She answered before she started eating. His look was wary. "Nothing to worry about."

He was going to let it go for now, but a sick feeling settled in his stomach. "Did they find anything new?"

"No."

"Are you okay? You seem a little off." By a little, he meant a lot. It was like she wasn't even here. She nodded. In the time they'd been around each other, Amu had never been so far away from him. She spun her ring absently and took a drink of her soda.

"I'm fine, really. I'm just thinking." She smiled, but it was obviously faked.

"About?" He fished for answers, something concrete.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her eyes had narrowed now, annoyed with him. Couldn't he leave it alone? She was keeping things in for a reason. If she told him what she was really thinking and what she'd gone to the police for, it would cause a fight. She didn't want to have a fight over if it might not even happen. "I was at the police station because I'm trying to help."

They sat in uncomfortable silence until the bell rang. "Bye, see you later." He kissed the top of her head.

"Bye," She said quietly and hurried to the next class.

XXX

It was like that for the rest of the week. There was awkward, uncomfortable silence. Utau and Kukai believed she was hiding something. Ikuto was beginning to believe that. It made him nervous. Why couldn't she tell him what she'd done at the police station? That same feeling knotted in his stomach again.

"Whatever it is, we'll find out soon. Don't lose your head over it now." Kukai said. "She'll tell us. It's probably already killing her on the inside to hide stuff from us. I don't think my sister would hide stuff from us without reason. I'm not saying it's a good reason, but she has a reason."

"I'm still worried about her though," Utau voiced over the table in the ramen shop. "In the whole time I've known her; she's never avoided me or kept at arm's length. I think she's up to something she knows we won't like." Her boyfriend nodded.

"There are a lot of things we wouldn't like. Doesn't narrow it down any." Kukai looked down as he talked.

"Maybe we could go visit her at work." It'd been a week or two since she'd gone to work with her best friend. "It might cheer her up." He shook his head.

"She'll treat us like any other customer that's a stranger and that's only going to make you more upset." She frowned. "I think its best we leave her be for now."

She sighed and looked down at her ramen. Her appetite was gone.

XXX

The café was quiet. She and the manager were there, but he was in his office, leaving her to man the counter. No one was coming in though, so she started homework. Every fifteen minutes or so, her manager would come out to check on her. After her being attacked again, she'd never work alone again.

It was nearly eight when a customer actually came in. She was getting off of the stool when she actually looked at who it was. Her eyes widened. "Detective Aizawa," She greeted. "Are you here to get anything, or to talk?"

"I'll take two cinnamon rolls." She nodded and got them ready. "I came by to tell you that I will be coming to your house tomorrow and you should tell Souko and Aruto tonight. Have you told anyone what you want to do?" She shook her head. He sighed. "We'll talk tomorrow about what's going to actually happen." She nodded and handed him his bag. "Thank you, have a safe night."

"I'll try." After he left she settled into her homework again, waiting for nine. The last week had been terrible. She hated keeping something to herself and she really hated avoiding everyone. But she kept doing it. Amu imagined everyone's reaction if the police used her as bait. None of them were pleasant.

Especially Ikuto's. His reaction was she wished she could just avoid all together.

XXX

The next day Ikuto came home to find angry people, Amu, and a detective in his living room. Kukai looked so red in the face. "What's going on?" He asked, staring at Amu. Her fists were clenched.

"I'll tell you what's going on! My sister is fucking crazy!"

"Can someone just explain?" He asked, and that sick feeling came back.

"I'm Detective Aizawa. Amu came to the police because she wanted to help and her idea was to lure the men to the memorial." His breath caught in his throat. Amu looked away from his when she saw his look of fear. "She chose to do this and argued over it. The chief of police has approved it." Silence settled over the room.

"What are you thinking?" Kukai yelled. He'd keep losing her temper they all knew.

"They killed other girls." She stood and looked around. "I didn't want to tell you until I knew if it was going to happen. But I'm not going to back out because you want me to. My friends are dead. Three other girls are dead. I'm going to be dead too if they aren't caught and they can do this to other people."

"Explain to me what the police are going to be doing." Aruto said. He looked tired and stressed.

"Okay. There will be snipers on the roofs, ready to shoot if anything happens. The police and I won't be too close to that street. They can't see us. If they do, then this doesn't work. Those three will definitely show up if she's there. She was right about that from the beginning. We will be watching though. And we'll surround them."

"Sounds too much like a movie to work." Kukai said.

"I know, but it will work."

"Will she have anything to defend herself with?" Ikuto asked.

"Yes, Amu will have a gun and she's been taught how to use it."

"I don't like this." Kukai said angrily. "You're using my little sister as bait."

"I wanted to do this. He told me no in the first place."

"He should've kept by that answer."

"When?" Ikuto's voice was dead and flat. He wouldn't even look at Amu.

"Tomorrow night."

**So...hopefully that was good and you liked it. This chapter got me going, so I think the next one will be a lot better**.

-Kelsey.


	20. Chapter 20

**I felt really iffy about the last chapter. I thought about taking it down and rewriting it, but I'm not. Someone said they had to log out to review because it said they'd already reviewed. There were two notes that I deleted because they weren't chapters. If you have that problem, message me the review.**

**I don't own Shugo Chara.**

* * *

There was a knock on my door, interrupting my writing. My door opened a bit and Ikuto stuck his head in. "Hey, can I come in?" I nodded dumbly; surprised he'd even talk to me. After the news I delivered a few hours ago everyone was avoiding me. Well, Aruto was working and Souko wasn't really avoiding me.

He knocked my notebook out of my hands as soon as he reached me. The words I were about to say vanished as soon as I saw the anger in his eyes. My throat seemed dry. "We're going somewhere. Get ready." Then he was gone as fast as he appeared.

I just looked around my room feeling confused. I felt a little scared. He'd never been mad at me before, but this time I'd given him something to be pissed over. I didn't tell him this because I was afraid of a fight, but it looked like I'd only made it worse.

I'd worried about him being mad enough to break up after I saw his reaction to what he was told. Maybe that was what he wanted to talk about. A ball of anxiety formed in my stomach over everything going on around me. It felt like I'd throw up any minute. After resting my head between my knees for a few minutes, I moved to find clothes and change.

Ikuto was waiting downstairs, leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. His expression didn't give anything away of how he was feelings. The anxiety worsened and I thought I'd be sick. "Where are we going?" He ignored my question and walked out the door. I followed him as he passed his car. Maybe we were going on a walk.

Several minutes passed as we walked down his road. Silence was brutal. I'd rather he yell at me then stay silent beside me. I wasn't sure what to expect.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I flinched a little when he spoke.

My reason seemed very stupid now and I didn't want to say it out loud. "I didn't know if they were going to choose to do this. I told them that I thought it would work and I'd do it. I didn't want to tell you and then cause a fight and it not happen in the end."

He stopped walking and looked at me. I swallowed the lump in throat and tried to not look away. Ikuto looked so pissed and the guilt I felt right then was crushing. "So you decided it was better to lie and hide something from me? Even when I specifically asked what you'd gone to the police for."

"I'm sorry." My voice was tiny and I realized how stupid I'd been to not tell him from the beginning.

"I thought you said you could trust me." No one could have missed that accusation in his tone. When I started to say that I did trust him he cut me off. "Amu, I've been there for you. I saw you try to kill yourself. I saw you try to slash your arm open. I saw all those slashes on your arms and legs. Compared to seeing you hurt yourself, this is nothing. You lied to me. Now you're putting yourself in more danger."

I said nothing. What was there to say? I wasn't going to back out of it, even though they had given me the option. Sorry wouldn't fix this. I didn't know how to fix this. The look he was giving me was killing me on the inside.

"I know now I should've told you then. That won't fix it though. I don't know what you want me to do." I looked at him, while tears formed in my eyes.

"I want you to not be bait. They can catch them eventually."

"Eventually, Ikuto? You mean after they kill again. Three more girls are dead and it sure looks like they did it. You mean after they try and attack me _again_? The police don't have anything to go on anymore. There are no leads."

"I don't want you too!" He yelled.

"Well, I'm sorry. I'm not going to back out no matter how mad you get. I think I'm doing the right thing and I trust the police to make sure I'm safe." He didn't reply. "I can't sit around, and try to be happy while they're out there. It makes me sick every day because I know the kind of monsters they are."

"You don't have to be the fucking hero."

"I'm not going to stay here just to argue. I'm doing it and you're not changing my mind." He just looked at me. "Is there anything else you want to say?" I wanted to hug him and almost gave into that. "I'm sorry for not telling you. I'll see you later." I turned and walked away. My heart felt heavier with every step I took. It hurt even more when I looked back and he was walking away too.

I found myself at a small park probably six blocks from the house. I sat on the swing and swung back and forth. It'd be my luck for those guys to show up right now and kill me. I wouldn't exactly feel the urge to fight right now. I was feeling pretty dead. They didn't though.

"So, I heard you guys had a fight." It was my brother. I nodded. "Are you okay?" I shook my head while wiping away tears. He sat in the swing beside me. "I figured it out when he came into Utau's room and was pissed."

"So you came to find me." I smiled a little. My brother was just the person I needed right now. A smile came across my face while remembering all the times I went to him with my problems from a better time.

"You can't expect me to let my little sister run around at two in the morning when people want to kill you." I laughed at that, even though it was nothing to laugh at. "Start talking."

A sigh came out before the words did. "I realize how stupid it was to not tell all of you. I'm really sorry. At the time, the reasoning made sense in my head. He told me he wanted me to not do it."

"That's how all of us feel about it."

"I told him I wasn't going to. It made him angrier and there was nothing to do. It was pointless to stay and fight. I wanted to stay and try to fix the damage, but I don't think there's anything I can do to just fix that. I broke trust. I really feel like shit right now."

"You look like shit too."

"Thanks," I replied dryly. "He told me I didn't have to be the fucking hero. I'm not trying to be a hero, but I think it's the right thing and I want them in prison. I don't want to be attacked again. I don't want them to kill again. And it must sound like I'm saying me, me, me, but,"

"Stop. You don't have to explain anything to me. I love you anyways, no matter what you do. You're definitely crazy, but I understand. I'm more than a little worried and I was really angry earlier."

"I caught that when you said 'my sister's fucking crazy'".

"I wasn't wrong." I smiled at him.

"I really did think about how it would affect everyone. I feel terrible, but I think if I back out, this cycle will keep going and my mind can't take that. This year and a half has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, and loops that make me sick. I just want that to be over."

"Alright. Clearly, I can't change your mind. You're very stubborn over things." I nodded. "I want you to be safe and do what you want, but I have a really bad feeling about this, Amu. It won't go as smoothly as you think. Anything can happen."

"I'll shoot them." I said with dead seriousness.

"Amu, I think they could take the gun from you." My eyes fell. He was probably right. They were strong. "Look, if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill."

"Detective Aizawa told me that, but I'm hoping I won't have to shoot. I want to leave that to police."

"I don't think you have the heart to kill anyone, but just be as safe as you can."

"I will."

"Come here." He stood up in front me and pulled me into a close hug. A few tears escaped my eyes. "Are you going to come to school tomorrow?" I shook my head. "Is it because you want to avoid Ikuto?" I nodded. "Avoiding him won't fix anything either."

"He's really angry and I want to leave him alone until he wants to talk."

XXX

The next day she stayed home in bed. Souko brought breakfast to her and that was her interaction for the day. She watched TV for most of the day. It was around noon when Aizawa came by.

"Amu, can you come down? Detective Aizawa is here." Souko called up the stairs and returned to the kitchen. She baked when she was unhappy and from the looks of it, she was very unhappy.

She came down the stairs, clad in her pajamas. Her expression was miserable. "Hi."

"Hello. I came by to give you this." He pulled a handgun out of his suitcase and handed it to her. It felt heavy and foreign in her hand. "You remember how to use it?" She nodded. He'd already taught her how and now it was up to her if it came to using it.

Her arm fell to her side while she held it. "Okay. I go to the memorial at eight tonight, right."

"Yeah, get there at eight. Everything will be ready when you get there." She nodded. Her eyes were red and he wondered why she'd been crying. "Amu, you can still back out of it. You don't have to do it if you've changed your mind."

"I haven't. I just had a bad night. Thank you for bringing it to me."

"Alright. You're sure you still want to do this." She nodded. Her eyes looked lifeless. "Okay." He didn't want to leave her feeling so terrible, but she looked ready to show him to the door. "Have a good day, Amu."

"I'll try."

Holding a gun made everything feel so much more real. She'd be lying if she said it wasn't terrifying. Amu walked to the doorway of the kitchen.

"Souko, I wanted to say sorry. I know that all of you hate this, but I'll be okay. I'm sorry." Souko gave her the same warm smile she always had. "Thank you for taking me in after that night." Guilt was written all over her face. The woman's dropped to the gun in her hand.

"As long as you're sure about this, I'll be on your side. But you better come home in one piece."

"I will. I was thinking a lot and I decided to write my speech for school over everything that happened. It made me realize how lucky I was to have your family's support."

"You don't have to thank me. You're family here and always welcome. Go sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up. I know you've been awake all night crying." She nodded and turned for the stairs.

XXX

Hours later, Ikuto came home and headed straight for her room. He couldn't stay mad at her past his third class. Last night he had been pissed, but the anger had faded away. Now it was worry. He opened her door slowly without knocking. Her lamp was on, but she was asleep. A notebook was open, but he didn't read it. Not after last time.

Her eyes were closed, but he could see how they were a little swollen from crying. The urge to slam his head into a wall was strong. Then he finally saw the gun on the bedside table. Just like for Amu, it made it more real, made it more concrete. She wasn't going to change her mind, even if he begged.

"Let her sleep. She's exhausted." His mother said from behind him.

A police officer came by again later for Amu an hour before eight. "I need to put your ear piece in." She nodded and sat down on the couch. "You'll be able to hear us and talk back. Don't talk loud or you'll draw attention to yourself. When they're getting close, don't talk, and just listen." She nodded.

XXX

She left at eight. Souko, Utau, and Kukai were downstairs. "Be careful." He hugged her tightly. "Do you want to wake Ikuto before you leave."

"I'm going to talk to him when I get home. I don't want to be emotional all over again before I walk into this." Utau nodded.

"Just be as careful as you can be." She nodded, hugging each of them, and then leaving.

XXX

I was more terrified than I wanted to admit. It would so easy to turn tail and run away. A little part of me really wanted to. Running wasn't going to be an option for me anymore. I didn't want to be a coward, always running. No one would blame me if I ran now, but I felt pulled to lead them to a trap. I wanted them to be caught now, not eventually.

My converse tapped against the sidewalk as I made my way down the street.

"Pay attention to your surroundings. Do not let your guard down. Be ready to pull out your gun." Detective Aizawa's voice sounded in my ear. The gun was tucked in the waist band of my jeans against my back.

"Okay." I said lowly.

My heart was hammering in my chest as I got closer to that alley. The gun pushed against my back felt more terrifying than reassuring. The closer my feet took me, the more the urge to run grew. This felt like my purpose in life right now. I survived not only one attack but three. I had to be alive for a reason and I couldn't give up till they were behind bars.

It can't bring them back, but it can bring closure to families and friends. They would never hurt anyone else. After this, maybe I'd be able to talk to their mom and dad. They had called me so many times after the funeral, but I ignored them.

I turned the corner, feeling stronger from my inner talk with myself. The memorial was down the sidewalk. A sharp breath escaped me.

"We don't see anyone besides you yet. Still keep your guard up." I didn't respond, with my being so close, even if they didn't see anyone. Anything can happen.

I reached the memorial and stood in front of it. The crosses had been replaced and they were surrounded by flowers. A smile came across my face.

_If you are really somewhere better like everyone says, I hope you can see me right now. I feel so much better and I've realized how lucky I am for knowing you and everyone who supports me. I wish I didn't have to lose so much to learn what I know now. I hope you three are watching me now, because this is all for you. _

"We're seeing two figures." I swear my heart stopped right then. There are three of them, not two. Where's the last one? "We don't see the third man." It felt like my world was spinning. My first thought was that one of them was hiding. My breaths were shallow. "Do exactly as I say."

I nearly turned my back then and drew the gun. Terror consumed me. Kukai's words came back to me. He'd had a bad feeling about it to begin with. I wasn't expecting this to happen. I wanted the police to corner them right then. My head kept telling me to be calm.

I stared at the crosses, waiting to know what to do next. "Amu, draw your gun now." My breathing stopped when I pulled it out and spun to face them, finger on the trigger. "We're coming in now."

I stared at them, waiting for one of them to run at me. My eyes met a third figure who'd crept in. Police cars blocked both ends of the street, with the headlights lighting up the street. My lip quivered as one took a step towards me. I stepped back keeping my gun aimed at his chest.

"You little bitch." He said gruffly. He was blonde and tall. He looked like muscular.

"Get in the alley now!" Aizawa screamed in my ear. I dove into the alley, snapping a cross when I met the ground. I ripped my gun through the air and aimed again. I heard shots then. My stomach twisted into a knot. Two of them were hit and fell. Both had been shot in the legs. My eyes had been drawn to them when they fell. I let my guard down and didn't have time to aim when I saw the last man come at me.

He grabbed me by the hair. I tried to hit him. He slung me into the street and kicked my gun away as I desperately grabbed for it. Within the few minutes since I drew my gun, news channel vans had appeared, recording. I saw a camera when I landed. He kicked my side and there was this terrible crack. Pain shot through me. I swiped at his legs. He just jumped backwards. I started to stand. He let me get up just to hit me as hard as he could. He kept getting so close to me so that they couldn't get a clear shot. I knew exactly was he was doing.

My anger was reaching a whole new level. "You aren't getting away from me."

"Fuck you. I'm not dying here tonight." He grabbed the gun I dropped and picked me up by my throat. He was too strong for me to get out of his grip. He held the gun with his other hand, aimed for my face. Tears came down, but I kept staring at him.

"Yes, you are." I watched him put his finger on the trigger.

* * *

**...And cliffy. So, you should review. I think this one was great and if you have a problem reviewing, send it to me in a message. Thanks.**

**-Kelsey.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Last chapter I made a mistake... Only one of them has been shot, not two. Sorry! Also, Amu's parts are first person because I think it's better. **

I stared at him with my eyes narrowed and fists clenched at my sides. Like they'd do me any good now. I felt light headed from his grip. The gun was pointed at my face and his finger was on the trigger. From the corner of my eye I saw police officers getting closer. The other man fired his own gun. I flinched and didn't look to see if a bullet had hit someone.

My ear piece had grown silent. What could anyone tell me? There wasn't a smart option with a gun pointed at my head. There was so much hate that I felt right then though. I wanted to beat the hell out of this guy and make him feel the pain I'd felt. I probably shouldn't have done it, since he was on the verge of shooting me. The end of the gun slamming into my jaw was what really made me do it. I kicked him as hard as I fucking could in the balls.

As I fell, someone finally shot him. Red spread across his stomach. I looked up to see someone on the roof, holding a rifle. A smile spread across my face, and then I remembered that the other man was coming towards me right then. I clutched the gun tightly that had been dropped and aimed.

"Don't come near me." I stammered over my words.

He smiled at me, fueling my anger. "Or what?"

"I'll blow your fucking head off!" I screamed. I took some satisfaction in seeing his eyes widen. "You killed my friends."

Everything happened too fast. Right then as he came barreling towards me, pulling a knife from his pocket, my only thought was that I wasn't going to go home tonight. He tackled me. It had to have been obvious. I couldn't kill someone. I was too afraid. A scream escaped me when he cut my arm open.

"Look at all those scars." He mused as he hovered. My mind left that moment and buried into memories of that night. There was blood everywhere. I couldn't take seeing it, not if they caused it. Vaguely, I heard my screams ripping through the air. There was more pain, more cuts. The blood was going to make me sick. It looked like my body would just collapse.

My mind was spinning as I started to hyperventilate. There was a reason for me to have a panic attack now, but I had to get over that and get the hell out of there.

"Amu, just run!" My eyes snapped open and I tilted my head. There was no way to see who yelled at me, but I'd know that voice anywhere. It was Ikuto. He must've come here because I didn't say goodbye. This wasn't supposed to be some spectacle for the media to twist and play with.

There was no weapon for me to hurt him with. My gun was out of my hands, and he'd only take it from me. Getting him off and running like hell was the only option. Now that I was thinking, that person on the roof will shoot if he tries to kill me.

I brought my knee up sharply. He grunted with pain, but that didn't get him off. A blade was shoved in my side. I blocked my face as he got angrier. My hands were started to be bloody all over. I shoved my hand into his nose and took advantage of the opening and shoved him off. I crawled to my feet and went ahead and grabbed the gun.

He lunged at me. "Don't fuck with me!" My voice was loud as it echoed and I cracked my gun across his face. Then I ran as fast as I could. I saw Ikuto while I was running. He stood beside a police officer and my friends.

"Hurry!" Aizawa yelled, motioning for me to run faster. I was going to have to jump over a squad car to get to the other side. I looked down and saw my bloody hands. My side was killing me. How much blood had I lost? That wasn't the thing to focus on. My injuries were slowing me down. I cast a look over my shoulder and saw him chasing me. Really? I'm running towards a line of cops and you're chasing me. Idiot.

"Move it!" I yelled and flung my arm out to motion them to get the hell out of my way. I threw the gun down and slammed my hands down, leaving bloody handprints, on the hood to help me jump up on the hood and then I jumped off of it. I looked to my right side and saw a reporter with a camera pointed right at me. They're like leeches. They're anywhere blood appears.

The landing was going to hurt. There was no way my legs would hold me up. Ikuto raced up to me and caught me in time. I breathe out heavy and slumped to the ground. The police officers had swarmed them as soon as I got across the line.

"You scared me so much." He held me tight. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly and didn't let go.

"Sorry about the blood."

"Forget the blood. Amu, I have something to tell you. I should've told you sooner, but seeing you almost die made me realize life is too short." I was confused. "I love you."

For the second time that night, my heart stopped.

"I love you too." He kissed me deeply and held me close against him. His hand cradled my face as on slid into my hair. When we broke apart he just leaned his forehead against mine.

A team of paramedics rushed in to get the two men who were shot. In the back of my head I hoped they wouldn't die, because I really wanted them in prison where they could rot for the rest of their miserable lives. Then a paramedic came up behind me and picked me up, setting me on a gurney. I watched through the crowd, and saw the last man put in the squad car, handcuffed.

And let me to you, doing this was the best thing I'd ever done. It's over.

XXX

I woke up in a hospital room at the same hospital for the fifth time in the past fifteen months, if you count the original attack. The staff was on a first name basis with me now. "Are you sure you're alright?" My boyfriend asked. I nodded.

"How are your stitches?" Utau asked, handing me a box of strawberry pocky. "There's more of that too." I grinned.

"They hurt like hell." I said dryly. "But I was unconscious, so I don't even remember it."

"Well that's good. You hate stitches so much you bit the doctor when you were eight." Kukai said. I glared at him, taking a bite of one of the sticks.

The door swung open to reveal my little sister and she looked pissed. "You are absolutely crazy."

"I've been told that a few times in the past few days, mainly by our brother." I opened my arms for a hug. "I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm fine."

"How about I punch you in your side and you say you're still fine." Sarcasm ran in our family for sure.

"I'll decapitate you so fast." I mumbled. "Are mom and dad here?" She shook her head. "Thank god. Are they angry?"

"Kind of. Reporters are harassing them since they can't talk to you."

"That's good. Let them leeches bother them instead of me."

They all snickered. "So, when do you get to leave the hospital?" She asked as she sat down on the bed.

"In a week or two. I can't leave until the wounds are looking a lot better. They think I'll tear them open."

"They're probably right."

"School ends in three weeks." Utau said. I nodded sadly. "What are you going to do next year?"

"I'm joining track again." Kukai flat out stared at me. "What?"

"You quit because you were depressed." He said slowly.

"Yeah, well I'm not depressed anymore. I realize that I'll be sad some days with whatever life throws at me. But I was depressed for over a year. I felt guilty and cut myself and tried to kill myself. Now I know that being sad is a waste."

"Do you regret everything?" Utau asked.

I shook my head. "Not even for a second. If all of that hadn't happened, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I wouldn't be the same person. I don't mind having scars because they're a story. It's not like it happened over night. Ever since I jumped off that bridge, I've felt different. I made new friends, I stopped cutting myself. I don't regret any of it, but I'll never go back to that. Life goes on and I have to go on too."

They stared at me, and I felt really uncomfortable. Utau started to cry and she hugged me tight. "I didn't think you were ever going to really be okay again. It makes me so happy to see you really wanting to get up and move on."

"I don't want to be weak, or run away from the hard stuff. They're going to prison. I'm not scared now and I have people who are they for me even though I make some really stupid decisions sometimes."

"_Really_ stupid." Kukai mumbled and smiled at me.

A nurse stuck her head in the doorway. "Sorry guys, visitinghours are over."

XXX

Two weeks later the reporters still wanted to talk to me, and I just wasn't interested. It'd be great if my name just left the news actually, but apparently people were calling me a hero and everyone wanted to talk.

"Amu," I peeked around my locker door to see Rima standing there. Inwardly groaning, I decided to listen to her. "I know since you came here I've been a total bitch."

"I'm sorry. You don't have to believe that, but I watched the news live as it happened. You were incredible. I'm sorry for everything I said and how I said it was your fault. It was bitchy and I'm regretting it now."

"It's not okay, but it means a lot that you would say it." I told her.

"I saw you fighting back and you really are a hero."

"I didn't do it to be a hero. I did it bring closure to all the people who were hurt by those monsters. I have to say I'd been waiting a really long time to hit them though."

She smiled. "I won't talk bad about you anymore. I can't say the same for Saaya and Tadase might follow you around for a while, just to warn you, but I was really glad you were okay."

"Thanks, Rima." I watched her walk away and grinned to myself. The day might not be so terrible.

XXX

"This is an incredible speech, Amu." The principal said. "I want you to read it at our last ceremony of the year."

"Okay," I stumbled over the words. I felt honored and really surprised.

"Amu, would you mind if reporters were there, just to watch and listen?"

"Will they be recording?" He nodded. I thought about it and shrugged. "I don't care as long as they don't ask me questions afterwards."

"That's not a problem." He shook my hand and I hurried down the hall and front steps to see Ikuto smiling at me.

**So...how was that. I hope it's very good. There's only one chapter left, maybe two. But it's almost over. This will be the first real story I finish on here. Review and let me know how it was. **

**-Kelsey**


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